Cheaters...

is an effing great show.

Carry on.

Dinner tonight...

I've been perusing the menu, and pending whatever specials they may have come up with, I think I'm going for:

7-ounce Filet: Napa's signature center cut filet, roasted garlic mashers, house vegetables
House-Made Tomato Soup: Creamy tomato soup covered in puff pastry baked golden brown
Chocolate Tres Leches: Rich chocolate cake soaked with a blend of "three milks" topped with milk chocolate mousse

I figure since life as I know it ends tomorrow (also known as The Big Diet before Las Vegas in April), I might as well go out with a bang.

Goodbye, 2007. Hellooooo 2008.

Bill and I will be ringing in the New Year at home, as usual, but we're sans kid, and she's staying with her Wee (aka my mom) tonight. We have dinner reservations Napa River Grill :

This time last year we walked in there with no reservations but managed to get an early table in the bar and it was GREAT. After that, we'll probably head home to a couple bottles of champagne and Dick Clark on the tele because we are old. Or we might get crazy and rent a movie from the RedBox.

2007 has been bittersweet -- I had hoped we'd have a new addition to tbe family, and while that didn't happen, we did get Callie. My grandfather died, my Mom got sick, my brother got married and his wife is expecting a baby. It's amazing what can happen in 365 days.

Happy New Year to all of you! Here's to hoping 2008 doesn't suck.

OK, I disagree.

With VH1's Top 100 Greatest Teens. Because Debbie/Deborah Gibson is at #20. Wrong, I say. So very wrong. "Electric Youth" personified my early days. Seriously. I wore a Debbie felt hat (and a satin vest) to Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation concert at Freedom Hall. How cute was I?

The rest of the list:

19. Scott Baio/Happy Days: I? Was too young. I hear he's single and has a reality show now.
18. Sarah Michelle Gellar / Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Seriously? Two "Scooby Doo" movies really, really cancel out, like 157 Buffy eps.
17. Donny Osmond: Didn't he have a sister on "Dancing with the Stars?"
16. Kirk Cameron/Growing Pains: OK, dude has, like 6 kids. So he's right up there with that Pentecostal family with, like 18 kids. Just you wait, Kirk...
15. Brooke Shields: Oh, I heart her. Anyone who's had PPD wants to shove something sharp up Tom Cruise's ass. Oh, wait. Katie already did...
14. Michael J. Fox/Family Ties: Ohhh, sure. "Family Ties" was cute. But "The Frighteners?" Freakin' awesome. And, he has four kids with his "Family Ties" co-star. Such a freakin' rock star.
13. Alicia Silverstone/Clueless: "Clueless" was a pivotal movie for me, and "cakeboy" is still one of my favorite gay descripts. I still watch it every time it is on.
12. N'Sync: OK, in 1998, I had 24 credit hours in my last senior semester, plus I was a serious sorority girl. I? Couldn't care less about these fuckers.
11. Matt Dillon: Who? Didn't his BFF date JLo, or something?
10. River Phoenix: Hippie who died young. Was in "Stand By Me"? Johnny Depp was a friend, or something?
8. Corey Haim: He'd be my #1. Anyone who knows me, knows I had ONE WHOLE WALL devoted to the Haim. I LOVED his reality show, even if his girlfriend was a buck-toothed, knocked-kneed beeyotch.
7. Winona Ryder / Heathers : Loved her. Loved this movie to Death. Do not love the department-store thievery. How's the career now, klepto? "Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up."
6. David Cassidy/Partridge Family: Too young. Don't know him. Rode a bus or something?
5. Shannen Doherty/Beverly Hills, 90210: My only thought about her is she started smoking to lose weight, which I read in a magazine. And it gave her that sexy voice. Also, that she's a she-devil who would kick your ass as soon as look at you.
4. Anthony Michael Hall/Sixteen Candles: Cute. Brian Ralph Johnson would've been all I could get circa 1990. Hottie that I was back then. -- Yeah, I know "The Breakfast Club" was before my time.
3. Britney Spears. Oh. Hell. No. I have to VH1 some credit -- they produced this show in 2006. Before the whole head-shaving, child-abusing, Starbucks loving, crazy-assed phase. And we all know how that turned out.
2. Rob Lowe. Meh. I had a thing for his little bro, Chad Lowe, circa "Life Goes On."
1. Molly Ringwald / Sixteen Candles. Totally agree. I was about 5 years too young, but I still think of her when I think of pink.

Let it Commence.

I have a bottle of Cabernet, the fifth Sookie Stackhouse novel by Charlaine Harris, and an ass load of color television to watch.

Oh, and the ebola rash is back. So I've got that going for me as well.

ETA: I ordered a whole barbeque chicken and bacon pizza, just for me. It'll be my last, since I'm going back to WW (sigh) next week.

ETA, again: Am out of wine. And bored. Sad, really ...
ETA, yet again: I'm like a 17-year-old virigin. Playin' the Wii by her-, I mean, himself. On the plus side, Deborah Gibson is hosting the Top 100 Teen Stars on VH1. #23? Tori Spelling. The only chick on 90210 not gettin' any. Because her Daddy was the creator.

I just laughed myself into an asthma attack ...

at TACKY CHRISTMAS YARDS. For example:

Holy. Shit.

PAR-TAY.

Bill's got a friend who's coming in from San Francisco to Eminence to visit his folks for Christmas, and the boys are getting together to play cards and drink beer all night. Bill's going to take Bella to his mom's, and they're going to spend the night and come home tomorrow.

So that leaves me. Alone. With no husband or kid.

Should I A) invite a few friends over and party all night?

or B) Park it on the couch with three hours of Prison Break and four eps of Journeyman, plus a bottle of Cabernet and a barbecue chicken pizza from Papa John's?

A) looks like a lot of work. And I? Am lazy. So B) it is.

It was bound to happen.

I caught BooBerry's cold. I started Zicamming about 10:30 Wednesaday, and woke up with a head full of crap, scratchy throat and painful ears and a general feeling of ickines yesterday. I downed two Benedryl and a Sudafed and felt marginally better -- I went to the mall for about an hour and a half, which was long enough to score at Bath and Body Works' big sale. (Stuff was 75% off, so if you can make it the store, do it!)

I used Zicam all yesterday and it seems to be working -- I'm just a little congested today. Hate being sick on vacation, though. Ick.

This chafes my mellow.

Since my mom bought the pots and pans for us that I was going to use our Christmas money for (I heart my mom), I can use my money for my Uggs!

That are back-ordered until April 15!

Because they're one of "Oprah's Favorite Things!"

When it'll be too warm to wear them!

grumble grumble stupid effing Oprah grumble grumble stupid $140 boots grumble stupid backorder

Why am I blogging on Christmas morning?

Because Bill's playing the Wii, BooBerry's getting ready for the Royal Ball with her new vanity and no one's paying any attention to me*. Christmas in Mandyland is a wonderful time -- for about an hour. Then everyone retreats to his or her own pile to examine the goods (in my case, sunglasses, a gorgeous aquamarine ring, gift cards and Sirius satellite radio for the Tucson!).

BooBerry sees her vanity and presents...

Using the vanity to comb her rat's nest. I mean, hair.

In the DELUXE** Cinderella dress
I hauled through Oxmoor Mall because I am a Good Mom.

The haul.
(It looks like Disney princesses threw up in this house today.)

My new aquamarine ring that you guys voted for. It's a perfect fit.

The pink Yves Saint Laurent sunglasses I've been dying for.

We've got a few more minutes before we have to get ready for dinner at Aunt Bettie's house, then it's on to my mom and dad's for appetizers and presents.

* Sniff.
** Double the price for some beads and a ceramic cameo. It is gorgeous, though. I wish they had it in my size. I would totally wear it.

I wish I were kidding.

I just said, "I'll have to ask my dad if kids really wanted a Red Ryder for Christmas tomorrow."

Bill disappeared downstairs and brought this back up, no shit:

I was floored. I never knew we had one*. Apparently, all boys had one growing up.

So that's what I get for being a girl.

* What do you think I can get for it on eBay?

Done.

We just spent the last 45 minutes looking for pieces J and K on the (yes, Ryan) Disney Princess Magical Talking Vanity. They're nowhere to be found, but they're decorative so it's not imperative (I called my mom, who was trying to see if she could make it to K-Mart by 10 o'clock, since this stupid thing is the ONLY THING she's asked Santa for). Still, Bill's pissed at the entire nation of China for omitting those two plastic jiggies from the box.

So here's the finished result (minus the curly cues on the side of the vanity):


And here's Boo before bed in her new princess jammies and bathrobe:

I came downstairs about 9 p.m. to find Gypsy on the end table eating Santa's cookies. And Callie was gnawing on a Littlest Pet Shop pet.

Bill and I have the champagne open and "A Christmas Story" on. 'tis a good night, indeed.

Merry Christmas Eve.

Spent the day out at Bill's mom's house in Eminence where I ate some weird food (WTF with the prune bread) but some spectacular turkey. Just came home and made cookies (break and bake. Thank you, Toll House) and sprinkled the reindeer food on the lawn (which I'm sure Gypsy will track into the house after using the facilities).

Now, I'm just waiting for the cough syrup I just fed to BooBerry to kick in -- she woke up with a cold, poor baby -- so she'll go to sleep sans sniffles in her new velour princess nightgown. Then it's champagne for Bill and I as we spend the evening putting decals on this:

The real question of the evening is how we're going to get all those presents past Boo's room -- I'm not sure who's Bright Idea it was* to hid them in the office closet, but she's a light sleeper. Thank you, Tylenol Cold, for the added benefit of diphenhydromine** on this fine Christmas Eve.

* OK, mine.
** Why haven't parents caught on to that in the past?

Three hours of my life I can never get back.

Again, suck it, Martha. Suck it, I say.

Cannibal Ponies.

Just walked into the great room, and BooBerry has this set up. Looks like the ponies get native when nobody's looking. (And that cat's not real, BTW. It breathes and is really freaky looking.)

Gingerbread ghetto fabulous.

This is Bill's hand.

This is Bill's hand retrieving the wall I knocked in
on the gingerbread house we're trying to make.

This is a can of peeled tomatoes,
holding up a can of of chili hot beans.
Holding up the roof of the gingerbread house
we're trying to make.

...

Yeah, I know it looks like a gingerbread housing project. I'm not Betty effing Crocker.

Laaaaazzzzyyyyy...

I so need to clean this house. It looks like one of those houses on COPS, where the police officer has to wade through the mess to get to the place where the dude has thumped up on his woman.

Instead, Boo's watching Scooby Doo, Bill's talking about Social Security while I pretend to listen, and my nose is stuck in Water for Elephants (EXCELLENT, by the way).

Last night, Bill and I went to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse with Aunt Bettie. It was really good, except they took our food to another table and our server was busy with a table of about 30 people, so his attention was not exactly on us. I had the filet, and Bill got a bone-in rib eye. Of course, there were plenty of drinks involved, including vodka tonics, wine and an awesome espresso martini. So good... and I have part of my steak left for dinner tonight. YAY!

Old Mother Hubbard.

Went to BooBerry's Christmas Pa--- Sorry, WINTER HOLIDAY PARTY (WTF, with the no-saying Christmas?) today. At 9:30 a.m. I'm not sure who's Bright Idea it was to have candy, cookies, hot chocolate (also known as luke-warm chocolate), peppermints and marshmallows at nine-freakin'-thirty in the morning. By 9:40 a.m., there were 22 preschoolers covered in glitter, glue, frosting and HIGH ON SUGAR.

Boo then proceeded to beg Mommy and Daddy to stay for lunch. At 10:30 a.m. We discovered it was a finely tuned orchestra of going to the potty, washing hands, standing on the red line outside the cafeteria and going in to get their lunch. Single file. Except, being the Hella-cool mom that I am, I had not one but FOUR little girls hanging off me (Boo and her BFF Anna, Ashtyn, and Taylor). (An aside here: Bill, bless him, walked with Kate, who has Down's Syndrome. He's such a Good Dad.)

I also remember square pizza when I was a kid, and it was pretty tasty (but hell, at 8, it was probably good). This was no square pizza. And being the pizza snob that I am, I have to say that I apologize for the entire Jefferson County Public School system because that? Was some nasty sheeete. Take some Betty Crocker dough, slather on some tomato paste, and pile on the cheese (except, of course, my table of little girls would not eat their pizza if a SPOT of blackened cheese was on it). Gag. Bill went back into the caf to ask for some salt, but that has been banned from the school -- unlike the mashed potatoes they had WITH their pizza as a side dish and the cookie they got for dessert.

It was Haley's birthday, so they sang "Happy Birthday" and got hopped up on yet MORE sugar in the form of cupcakes (which have to come from the grocery store since so many friggin' kids have fucked up allergies these days).

We walked back to her class (and I picked up yet another hanger-onner, Triniti, to round our FIVE girls hanging on me, including Taylor, who seemed hell-bent on licking my forearm as she clung to my hand).

By the time I got home, I was freakin' WORN OUT (and I SCRUBBED my arm with antibacterial soap. Thanks, Taylor).

More power to those of you who are teachers. In two-and-a-half hours, I pretty much decided that if I never have that second child, it might be A OK.

Let's PARTY!!

Today is our annual gift exchange in my department. I love my peeps, and they give GREAT Christmas presents (especially Rick, who is the most thoughtful man on the planet -- last year he got me Season 1 of Ghost Hunters on DVD and I LOVED it). We're going to lunch at Rocky's Italian Grill and then opening presents.

(And if anybody gave me an industrial pack of government cheese like the poor sap above, I'd properly thump them in the ass.)

ETA: My co-workers know me. Among my gifts were three bottles of wine and a plate of cookies. What's that say about me?

I wish I had something awesome ...

... to blog about. Mostly I just want to bitch about the lack of Ugg® Cardy boots at retail price (dammit) and the amount of work I need to do before my 12-day vacation. And, I have a headache and my braces are getting on my every last nerve. Good times.

Hope your day's more exciting than mine.

We're Not Gonna TAKE IT ... NO... WE AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT....

Warning, if you're offended by salty language, this one isn't for you; however, I'm pretty sure 600 lbs. of men can destroy 24 ounces of sausage, so I'm not quite sure what he's bitching about.

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Liquid Crack.

I probably don't have any Mandyland readers hailing from the fine state of New Mexico, but if any of y'all get to Albuquerque, you MUST stop at Dion's Pizza. This is not for the 'za, however, which is pretty tasty -- they have, by far, the BEST RANCH DRESSING IN THE WORLD.

They just sent me two bottles on ice with a Christmas card, and I thought I might cry. I am also not sharing with the rest of this ungrateful, unappreciative staff. (Is it bad that I just licked my plate clean?)

Somebody explain this to me ...

Track your package
Date Time Location Event Details
December 18, 2007 09:08:00 AM LEXINGTON KY US Arrival Scan
December 18, 2007 07:29:00 AM LOUISVILLE KY US Departure Scan
December 18, 2007 06:58:00 AM LOUISVILLE KY US Arrival Scan
December 17, 2007 11:13:00 PM MEMPHIS TN US Departure Scan
December 15, 2007 09:35:00 PM MEMPHIS TN US Arrival Scan
December 14, 2007 11:46:00 PM OKLAHOMA CITY OK US Departure Scan
December 14, 2007 02:39:00 PM OKLAHOMA CITY OK US Shipment picked up from seller's facility
December 14, 2007 08:23:25 AM US Carrier notified to pick up package

I've been tracking one of the 14 Amazon orders I've placed last week and this week -- and this one shows it went from Memphis here to Louisville –– then was sent on to Lexington this morning. Um, yeah...

My precious...

My Compaq laptop of 1.5 years officially bit the dust last night. All I did was set it aside to bend down and pick up the remote, but when I pulled it back into my lap, the LED screen was all green and pink. Flickering. Ugly.

Bill thinks the screen needs to be replaced, so he spent the $150 on a replacement screen on eBay. Meanwhile, it's going to be a loooooong Christmas vaca without my precious.

Underrated as a Christmas movie.

You know you loved it.

Hey, Miss Manners!

What do you do when the carolers come a knockin'?

It's 6:10 p.m., and Boo's eating a turkey sandwich and pretzels (I am no Martha Stewart in the kitchen). Bill's heating up some dinosaur chicken nuggets and tater tots (so yum), and I'm covered in almond bark making my annual batches of Christmas candy (added sprinkles this year. So suck it Martha).

And there's a knock at the door.

I'm in a tank top (thanks, Clomid), so I dive for my hoodie. I hear music and go running after Bill, Boo and the dog, who's barking her head off. I see this:

'cept thet were dressed in Eddie Bauer down parkas and JC Penney scarves. They were singing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen," then switched to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas". And there were, literally, 20 of them.

OK, so I'm not real sure what the caroler etiquette is. I'm fresh out of wassaile (who the hell has ever had wassail, anyway?), and I have no figgy pudding (also, WTF?).

We just clapped and said "yayyyyyy!" like we were watching a Christmas dance recital. And shut the door.

(Cute, but I'm still floored. I'm mean, WTF? What should we have done? I was waiting for them to hand us some church flyer, but they didn't...)

I don't see it...

Usually I get Meg Ryan. We have the exact same nose.



(I even pretended to be her second cousin once in the Atlanta airport on our honeymoon -- this was in my Ephedrine days and I was super skinny. Got me extra icing on my Cinnabon, too.)

BMWs = Storm Troopers.

Tonight, I saw the neighborhood asshole flying* up the cul-de-sac in his pretentious-assed white BMW.

He thinks he's so hawt, but I just keep thinking "dude, your car looks like a Storm Trooper."

* Slow down, m-fer. We got kids up in here.

Jingle Bell Rock ...

Somebody has it playing in the office and I'm running through this dance in my head...

Note to self ...

... do NOT Google image search "comatose" after the office Christmas potluck. The pictures are not pretty.

Today is the office Christmas potluck party.

Good times.

We always do this Yankee white elephant swap, and inevitably I'll end up with something stupid like the Kenny Rogers 8-track tape (wtf?) or the stupid Star Trek Tribble at last year's event.

Also, I have issues with other people's food –– ever since this one girl brought in a dog hair casserole (I think it was supposed to be broccoli and cheese, but it sure did seem a little furry), I've been a little off on the whole potluck idea.






(All references to the word w00t have been omitted from this post because Ryan says it is not longer acceptable to use it.)

Just for the Record...

These are the boots I want really really bad (Uggs CARDY size 8 in black). They're freakin' sold out everywhere. Everywhere except eBay, that is, where they're selling for $50-$100 more than retail. AAARRRGGGHH. Stupid Christmas season.

Amazon WTF continues...

Go Diego Go Diego's Animal Rescue Baby Monkey: $11.99.

See, this? This is what's wrong with American society today. This is for kids, and yet the homoerotic pose, the vacant, bland, vanilla box expression reminiscient of GHB and the collar all scream urban SEX SLAVE. And, it's ugly as sin.

So, WTG, Amazon.

This would happen to me...

Aloha, Hola, Rozhbash & howdy.

It must be International Day here at Mandyland. According to my Sitemeter, we've had visits from the Czech Republic, Spain, Belgium (send chocolate, please), Sweden and Iran all in the last two hours. If I knew how to say "hello" in your language, I sure would.

From Ryan the Intern.

This is from Ryan the Intern and deserves its own post, because it's buried in the comments section of my Chocolat post below and it made me laugh myself into an asthma attack this morning:

"I have nothing to add to this post about a movie I've never seen. I just wanted someone to know that in the two days I've worked at a toy store I've come to wish Bratz were real people so I could punch them in the face. I can go on for hours about this.

By the way, I was carrying around the 2007 Holiday Barbie tonight and knew how much it was because I remembered 'Mandy didn't want to spend that much, so she went online and bought an old one.'

I have a memory like a steel trap."

Chocolat > Johnny Depp.

"Chocolat" is like "The Shawshank Redemption," minus the anal sex and mondo fab prison break -- it's one of those movies I watch every time it's on. Every time. Jesus, Johnny Depp is a beautiful man.

But even more lovely is the chocolate.

Because, guys? There's nothing sexier than a truffle. Sorry.

Sigh. Add thes to my lists of limitations.

OK, so I don't like fruit and food. And I hate loathe abhor buttons. And stickers freak me out, too.

But I have a list of five foods I WILL NOT TOUCH, even if they were rewards on "Survivor." I'd freakin' STARVE:

5) Beets. Wrong color and texture for a food.
4) Yams. See above. Ick.
3) White Castles. OMG, so slimy.
2) Raisins. Is grape murder. So sad.
1) Meatloaf. Because meat? Does not belong in a loaf.

Got a Recipe for Damn Cat Stew?

Callie just completely knocked over the Disney Christmas tree in the dining room and broke two ornaments plus my Minnie Mouse tree topper. She's also systematically chewed up most of the curling ribbon and bows and the already-wrapped presents and keep batting at the ornaments on the big tree as she jets by.

I? Am not happy. Remind me again why I wanted to get a psychotic kitten two months before Christmas?

Mars and Venus on Music.

A random instant message from me to Josh today while listening to my iPod:

ME: Is Timbaland black?

JOSH: Yes...Timberlake is white

ME: wtf
ME: So "Apologize"
ME: that's Timbaland, right?

JOSH: yeah
JOSH: he produced it
JOSH: he doesn't sing it

ME: oh
ME: well, who sings it?
ME: Cuz he sounds white
ME: Jesus, I'm confused

JOSH: some lame ass group sings it...but Timbaland produced it

ME: I like it.
ME: You're lame assed
ME: And....
ME: wait for it...
ME: wait...
ME: wait...
ME: it was on...
ME: GOSSIP GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stony silence on his end. So Venus gets the last word.

Dear Santa:

I want a kodkod cat for Christmas. We're watching "Planet Earth" on Discovery Channel (hot night in the Mandyland household, I know). They're half the size of a common housecat and totally cute. Like, pocket-sized.

I know they're on the endangered species list, and only found in the remote forests of Chile, and rarely seen, and no zoos in the world have any in captivity, but you're fucking Santa Claus. So make it happen.

kthanxbai,

Mandyland.

The Softer Side of Mandyland.

Took BellaBoo to see Disney Pictures' "Enchanted" today and I was completely blown away. I'm a Disneyphile (those who know me call it a sickness, but WTF do they know? My mother says I want to be a "fairy fucking princess" and, you know what, she's right. So, suck it.), and I grew up in the late 80s and 90s just when Alan Menken and Howard Ashman (RIP) were completely blowing the studio out of the water and onto the pages of history.

"Enchanted" was adorable. I loved it. I can't say enough. Stephen Schwartz teamed up with Menken on this one, and the song above, "That's How You Know"*, reintroduces Menken to a whole new generation of fans. (and I still love Schwartz for getting me tickets to see "Wicked" last June. His daughter is a friend of my cousin, who lives in NYC.)

(Boo, however, was pissed that Giselle -- whose name she keeps forgetting by calling her "Wazzelle" -- ended up with Robert instead of the prince. So apparently she's also vying for the "Fairy Fucking Princess" title.)

Guys, suck it up and take the ladies to see it. Because all girls? Secretly want to be princesses.




* Josh, I already got the soundtrack, so prepare for some princessing in the office this week.

Oh. My. Gawd.

Still More CALLIE LOLcats

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Ok, seriously. Have I missed something?

Because I'm not getting the whole Spice Girls reunion thing.

I mean, I liked them aok the first go around, but they were pretty harmless, like Bonnie Bell lip gloss or New Pepsi. But I'm not real sure why the "reunion" was necessary, other than VicBeck's aspiring reality TV career (and JEEZUS, my CAT could have a better reality TV career than this broad) was all for naught and she needed some way to make a splash in the US...

Seriously, people, WTF. Why not give Milli Vanilli* or Vanilla Ice** another shot?





* Yeah, I know one of 'em's dead, but damn.
** Still hawt. Shut up.

What's Your Who Name?

What's your "Who" name? WHO NAME?

Mine's Musician Mandy Dibble-moo-Who, which is utterly ridiculous because I can't read a note.

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