Sunday, September 30, 2007

Ten Things I Learned From BooBerry...

...on our trip to Walt Disney World:

10. Two pieces of bacon and a bit of muffin is a breakfast, Mommy.

9. Singing the "I Will Not Wallow the Josh" song while wallowing Josh negates said wallowing.

8. When a child says "Mommy, everybody's calling me a princess ... and I LOVE IT!" ... it might be time to examine the overabundance of her self-esteem.

7. One roll with butter and a bite of salad is a dinner, Mommy.

6. Sour apple slushies are yum. And small children should not drink them, as they are like a free hit to a crack fiend. And it takes hours for the sugar to wear off (walls are not forgiving when kids smack into them while running in circles, either).

5. Wearing a princess dress gets you more attention than not wearing a princess dress. (And they don't friggin' make princess dresses in adult sizes in WDW. I know. I checked.) And curtesying while ensconsed in said dress results in double the attention.

4. Being blonde is better. It just is.

3. If I look cute, people will give me free shit. (This statement is supported by the rolls of free stickers she received, the pin some nice old man gave her on the Monorail, and the free chocolate-covered marshmallows she got at the Main Street Confectionery just for watching the girls make caramel apples through the window.)

2. That whole "Use your inside voice" thing? Ummm, yeah... BooBerry has no inside voice. In fact, her outside voice borders on "screeching."

1. Naps are good. Veeerrryyy good. And some Mommies still need them, too.

I'll post some pictures tomorrow. For now, I have a kid to thow into bed and a chilled bottle of chardonnay and the "Desperate Housewives" premiere to watch. *Sigh* It is good to be home...

Friday, September 21, 2007

Countdown to Gorging Myself Sick on Carbs.

Circa September 2006

Currently, BooBerry is in a Snow White dress prancing around the living room as she's watching Mickey Mouse's version of "The Three Musketeers."

The reason?

We're preparing for our 9 day, 8 night stay at Walt Disney World. I seriously don't know who's more excited, BooBerry or myself. We both keep randoming yelling out "DISNEY WORLD" like we have Tourette's. (OK, Bill just walked in the back door and shouted "DISNEY WORLD" upon entry. Must be a family thing.)

This is not her first trip. We've been three other times, and each trip is different. When she was 2.5, everything was magical. Wonderful.

At 3 (last year), she was fearful of everything. The dark. Loud noises. Even the big kids in the playroom at Chick-Fil-A.

She's grown out of that stage, but it's still all about the princesses. Even though they have enough pancake makeup troweled on to even make Britney look sober and pretty, she loves them. (How funny was it to see dads having their pictures taken with a half-naked Jasmine at the Princess Storybook lunch at Akershus in Epcot? There's something slightly Ew about that.)

Me? I'm most looking forward to three things: a steak and Inniskillin martini at Le Cellier, meeting my friend, Claire, for dinner at Primetime Cafe at Disney's MGM Studios, and riding The Haunted Mansion.

Until then, however, we've got a lot to do. The dog is still struggling with kennel cough (prompting yet another visit tonight to the vet to ensure she doesn't pass it on to my mom's dog, Ginger, even though Bill and the vet both think it's just allergies), setting up the DVR to record the plethora of shows premiering next week (no, Josh, you will NOT be spending next Thursday night watching the premiere of "The Office" when we have dinner at the Whispering Canyon Cafe:

We're using Disney's free dining offer, which gives us a counter service meal, a sitdown meal and a snack FREE. Every day.

Carbs... Oh glorious carbs... Because there's nothig better than free carbs.

More Amazon WTF

It's Friday, which means Amazon has posted more random shit to its weekly sale. This week's crap is a pretty tame bunch o' stuff you don't need, but much of it seems to have a Halloween theme:

Circular saw: $109.99. Because chainsaws are so last season.

Stethescope: $9.99. For those of you who fancy yourselves a McDreamy, here's your chance to actually look like a doctor instead a chemistry class TA trying to hide his McStiffy behind a labcoat.

Leg Ave Women's Haunted House Mistress Costume: $21.99. This one's for the boys. And if I looked like that in that costume, I would totally wear it every day. Stupid ho.

Fred Personality Beer Bands: $4.99. OK, I don't know who Fred is, but if he has enough friends that they all need to use one of these, he needs to invite me to his swinging parties. How 'bout that, Fred? Also, one of the sets just uses the word "mine" on all the bands, but drinkers can distinguish their bottles by color. How many of you drunks can remember your own name after a night of slamming Amstel Lights? Hm... how 'bout remembering a color? Because, ew. There's nothing worse than chugging down some mookie guy's nasty back wash.

Finally, I'm including this:

Bill bought me this super sexy coffee pot at Target about three weeks ago because my Starbucks receipts were piling up like LiLo's rehab stints. It's a great bargain at $29.99. FINALLY. Something at Amazon's Friday Sale I would actually use.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Dear Bill:

Camoflauge Michael Kors flip-flops are a need. Not a want.

And yes, I do have my priorities straight. Obviously, cuteness isn't one of yours.

Love you,

P.S. Both pairs of Sketchers were "needs," too.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

All's Fair ...

So, today I went to Toys R Us to buy Barbie as The Island Princess -- they had the movie and the doll:

for $22.98. Bonus.

So I go in, grab the movie, which was released today, and walk back to the pink-infused (yum) Barbie aisle. There's a woman there about my mom's age digging through the "Barbie as the Island Princess" dolls. She's holding an African-American (WTF?) Princess Rosella doll, and muttering about how she didn't think Princess Rosella was "that dark" in the movie (OK, an aside here, but the movie JUST CAME OUT today. I know for a fact she hasn't seen it unless she's been watching bootleg copies from Japan. And somehow I don't think this film is HOT HOT JAPAN HOT).

She and I got to talking about the movie as she stood there and debated over the African-American Barbie. Meanwhile, I'm diggin', and spot one Caucasian Princess Rosella. Three Barbies back. Right there on the shelf. And promptly shove it behind another toy as I'm discussing the merits of Disney's latest direct-to-video release. We lament over the lack of Princess Rosellas, and she sets off to find help.

Meanwhile, I shove aside Barbies like an ugly bridesmaid trying to catch the bouquet at a wedding and snatch up the one remaining doll. I'm hoping Grandma has checked out when I make it to the front. But no. She sees me. Clutching the only white Princess Rosella doll left in the store.

HER: You found one?
ME: Yeah -- I found it on an endcap. I think somebody decided not to get it. It was in the skateboards. (I lie.)
HER: Was there only one.?
ME: Yeah ...

(I walk off. I feel bad.)

(But not bad enough to give up the Barbie.)

OK, now I do feel slightly bad. I go back to the Barbie aisle, and spot a similar box at the very tip-top of the dislay. I jump jump jump to reach it. It is the Holy Grail. Unfortunately, the box looks like it has been chewed by a pit bull.

I grab it, determined to be the hero and to do my one good deed for the day (month) and run to the register. Grandma is pleased. And I even gave her the doll with the perfect box (because I am nice. What? I am.), since I knew it wouldn't last the night with BooBerry anyway.

When I go to pay for mine, the cashier thanked me. And told me the lady was "mad at me" because I found one and didn't give it to her.

Hey, GRANDMA! I WANT THAT DOLL BACK! Because you? Do not deserve it. There were TWO right in front of you and you didn't even see them.

All's fair in love and Barbies.

I. Need. To. Pack.

...for Disney World. Instead, I'm watching Beauty & the Geek, giving myself a pedi and drinking Ale 8 Ones laced with Bill's expensive bourbon.


Kitten Watch '07

So, I just about have Bill talked into getting a new kitten. If I'm not going to get pregnant anytime soon, I need something to do besides lusting after Wentworth Miller (*sigh* So dreamy.) and consuming my weight in wine as I watch television or read.

A woman at work has a litter of three kittens that will need homes in a couple of weeks. Bill said no, but eventually having a 31-year-old woman saying, "Please? Can I? Please? Please? Bill, please can we get a kitten? Please? Huh? Yeah? Please? Please can we?..." for three weeks straight, at least four hours a day eventually wears a man down.

I'm using the "Porkfat needs a friend" routine as well. She's taken to attacking one's feet as either of us attempts to climb the stairs –– often with bloodied results. She's only started doing that since our other cat, Daily, died last March.

And since Josh and his wife, Jennie, just got a new kitten, I'm all about keeping up with the Keowns. I have a long way to go: Josh says they're the "Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt" of cats, and I have to agree. They're just one cat and a bathrobe away from becoming crazy cat lady, throwing cats at the kids who cut through their lawn on their way to school:

So, hey, Bill -- Can we? Please? Can we?

Monday, September 17, 2007

Prison Break = WTF?

OK, so clearly I should have re-watched the last couple of reruns of "Prison Break" on FOX, because I CLEARLY have no idea WTF is going on on this show. Despite the fact that Wentworth Miller is my (gay. Shut up, Josh) boyfriend, I kain't for the life of me remember whut happn'd (in the immortal speak of T-Bag) las' season.

And WTF happened to Sarah Tancredi? They just showed her BACK tonight, and she isn't listed in the she a gonner?

'cause that? Will PISS ME OFF.

And this prison? IS HELL. I'm actually feeling SORRY for Bellick. Ew.

Am I the only chick watching this? (Wentworth Miller stalkers notwithstanding ... and you bitches better back off because I WILL TOTALLY CUT YOU.) Y'all weigh in on what you thought of tonight's season premiere...

It's all in the Name...

I just talked to BooBerry, who's on her way to her first appointment at the eye doctor's. She took her little stuffed dalmatian with her, and when I asked his name, she said it's "Opthamologist the Dalmatian."

Go figure.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

SECRETS: REVEALED! Why I am like I am.

Here's an IM between my mom and myself tonight.

ME (10:29:26 PM): emmys are so funny
ME (10:29:53 PM): Rainn Wilson (The Office) + Kanye West (totally bitchy black guy who cries when he doesn't win) presenting
MOM (10:29:56 PM): here's a quote for ya "bowls should be licked till your tongue is tired."
ME (10:30:03 PM): what
ME (10:30:04 PM): the
ME(10:30:05 PM): f***
ME(10:30:08 PM): is
ME(10:30:10 PM): that?
MOM(10:30:18 PM): just heard that on a commercial for those little microwave brownie bowls
MOM(10:30:19 PM): lol

Seriously. That explains so much. As if a discussion of The Emmys couldn't get any more frou-frou.


And, it gets better. I sent her to this blog...

ME (10:57:22 PM): (posted to my blog)
MOM (10:58:08 PM): I just don't know what to say to that
ME (10:58:10 PM): lol
MOM(10:58:17 PM): lol
ME (10:58:32 PM): laughed until I about peed my pants. by myself.
ME (10:58:36 PM): Bill didn't see the humor
MOM (10:58:39 PM): I getting the blame? or the credit?
ME (10:58:41 PM): oh no
ME (10:58:48 PM): you lost your street cred on that
MOM (10:58:55 PM): lol
MOM(10:59:06 PM): I dunno what street cred is
ME (10:59:10 PM): oh jesus
MOM (10:59:14 PM): no wonder it's lost
ME (10:59:13 PM): you are so white

File Under: WTF @ Target?

While wandering aimlessly around Target tonight, I found myself staring idly at two products that completely blew my mind:

CRAYOLA WINDOW MARKERS. It's not enough that we let our kids color on paper, coloring books, the walls, the carpet and various toys. We now must create an item that allows them to mar the ONLY REMAINING HOUSEHOLD AREA that has yet remained unscathed.


High School Musical Tattoo Bandages. Further proof that Zach Efron is a Disney-lab-created 'bot hell bent on taking over America's tweens and soccer moms. And we all know I'm all about the Disney. But I'm not trying to cover Neosporin-infused scabs with him.

IN OTHER NEWS: Bill's mad at me for buying the dog a box of Frosty Paws. Apparently, it's OK if I spend $8 on beef jerkey or gourmet coffee for him, but Gypsy gets nothing. And she's SICK. Heartless, I tell you. Simply heartless.


BOOBERRY: Mommy, I'm pretending I have a prince.

ME: Oh, yeah? What's his name? Prince Daddy?

BOOBERRY: No! Prince Charming. (gives me a "duh" look.)


BOOBERRY: Cinderella is out of town.


This is just not right.

Pissed Pluto Chases Brat - Watch more free videos

Now see, that's at DISNEYLAND. Would never happen at Disney WORLD.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

If you ...

laid down plywood shanks, then covered them with nails and a fine, fine layer of goosedown and rocks...

... that is what our new KING SIZE, SUPER EXPENSIVE (except I had a ninja-W Hotels-employee-discount-of-which-I-am-not code and that made it marginally cheaper) MATTRESS FEELS LIKE.

The plus? I can sleep in my own HEMISPHERE without Bill and the dog strewn across me like ribbons at a county fair.

The cons? It's like sleeping on stone. The Flintstones had it better that this.

Friday, September 14, 2007

My Top 5 Bitches.

And by bitches, I mean idols:


The honorable Judge Milian of The People's Court. Every time she says something in Spanish holding up that perfect, sculptured, laquered nail, at a litigant, my heart sings.


Janelle Pierzina of Big Brother 6 and All-Stars fame. What's even more fun than Janelle? Drunk Janelle. Miss you, Jedi Janie.


Perez Hilton. Even though he outted my TV boyfriend, Wentworth Miller, I still think he's the one of the meanest bitches out there and has the cojones to prove it.

2. Jen Lancaster. See the gush in my Atlantic City post below. Because I? Am all about the sarcasm, boxed wine and Kate Spade.


Kathy Griffin. While I most assuredly wouldn't tell Jesus to "suck it" in an acceptance speech*, I begrudge no one the ability to do so.

* Only because I would have wet my pant like Fergie Ferg and wouldn't be able to contain myself on stage. I'd be like the white Kanye West.

Forgot to add...

... my plane was delayed again last night. I swear to God if I were on "Heroes," weather would TOTALLY be my power.

At least I didn't shut down an airport this time as I have done THREE TIMES IN THE PAST. Argh. The little gate dude came on the speaker at 9:05 p.m. and said the plane had just left San Antonio and would arrive in Chicago for approximate departure at 9:50. No freaking way. What was it? The fucking Concorde? A little while later he said he had "received some bad information" (ya think?) and our plane was actually almost to Chicago. WTF, man? Pulled into my driveway at about 12:45 a.m., took a shower to wash off the stink of other people's burps and farts (planes are nasty) and promptly fell face-first into bed. Yum.

Atlantic City ...

... was actually not too bad this year. We staffed our company's trade show there, and although we didn't exactly have the turnout we wanted, I did get two pairs of jeans, a houndstooth and denim jacket, an embroidered skort, a LS t-shirt and a pair of cargo pants at The Children's Place outlet for $39. So Atlantic City has THAT going for it.

I also started and finished Catcher in the Rye on the plane up there, and that is quite possibly three hours of my life I can never get back. Seriously. I don't get the whole teenage angst in the 1940s thing. WTF? Did Holden Caulfield have al Queda on his ass? Um, no. Did he have to worry about whether or not "old Sally" had an STD before they "horsed around" in the back of a cab on their way to see a show in friggin' NYC? Um, no. Apparently, he didn't even have to worry about money, since his parents were "quite loaded." If I had to read the phrase, "That killed me. It really did." one more time, I think I might have taken something sharp and proceeded to poke myself in the eye.

Am now halfway through Bright Lights, Big Ass (which has be out for a couple of months, but I've been hoarding it for the right time to read, and apparently following a shitty novel masquerading as a classic is, indeed, the right time) by my BFF, Jen Lancaster. (OK, we've never met, but I'm sure she'd like me if we did. I subscribe to all her tenets whole-heartedly and we both share an obsession for Trader Joe's and Target. Must remember to go buy sheets at Target today.) If you haven't already read her first book, Bitter is the New Black -- and quite frankly, I did tell you to when I started this blog -- then you need to go to Amazon. Right now. And buy both. I laughed out loud so much on the plane the lady next to me probably thought I had a Tourette's. Seriously. It's that funny. I wanted to stand up and read passages from the book.

Attention now turns to Walt Disney World, where Bill, BooBerry and I will spend 9 days, 8 nights. BooBerry's counting down the days on a calendar. She's been hoarding money from the grandparents for the past year, and when we cleaned out her Winnie the Pooh bank, she had a whopping $220 in there. She's four, remember. That's a lot of princess stuff. Or a hot dog and bag of chips at Walt Disney World prices...

Monday, September 10, 2007

Decide for yourselves.

... I think it's a shitty thing to do where there are kids involved, but rules is rules.

Apparently, 10 kids were awarded a prize from Nestle that would take them on a trip to California through their "Secret" flavor lab, allowing them to be a "Flavorologist" for a day. THIS MOM'S BLOG spells it out. Nestle is giving the kids prizes OTHER than the trip to California as stated in the contest's rules.

OK, so on a message board I frequent, she's getting slammed, as the posters on there are telling her to teach her kid to be humble, to learn from disappointment and to enjoy the substitute prizes he (might) receive, including:

* $2,000.00 U.S. Savings Bond
* $600.00 Toys R' Us Gift Certificate
* $500.00 Target Gift Certificate
* $500.00 Gift Certificate
* A two (2) year's supply of NESTLÉ Ice Cream Frozen Snacks (via 52 FREE frozen snacks gift certificates) ($200.00 ARV)
* A two (2) year's supply of Dreyer's/Edy's Ice Cream (via 52 FREE icecream gift certificates) ($312.00 ARV)
* A frozen snacks party for all of the students at each winner's school on a mutually agreed-upon date between winner and sponsor ($200.00 ARV)
* Assorted NESTLÉ and/or Dreyer's/Edy's promotional items ($300.00 ARV)

Now, while those are all great prizes, it's not the PRIZE THIS POOR KID WAS EXPECTING. I mean, how do you make the concept of a savings bond tangible to a seven year old?? I don't think my kid can go online and shop $500's worth.

But a trip to a TOP SECRET FLAVOR LAB? Who hasn't seen Willy Wonka and wanted to be Charlie? Sure, the contest's rules say Nestle can substitute prizes, but is there a real substitution for something your kid really, really wants?

Sucks for the kid, and I totally understand Mama Bear's grassroots attempts at invoking a boycott.

I'm not eating sugar, anyway. So you guys decide for yourselves.

Saturday, September 8, 2007


About 6 weeks ago, I repotted my waning Christmas cactus. When I dumped out the old dirt, it was FILLED with ants (and ant eggs). Oh, man, it was so freakin' nasty. Whoops. Repotted it in a bigger pot with some potting soil, and nearly the next day had some shoots. Yay for me, I thought.

Except, I later learned that what started to grow is PURSLANE, an edible weed being cultivated as an herb/vegetable or something. I just know that is prolific, and has some pretty pink flowers that bloom early in the morning and shrivel by mid afternoon.

The Christmas cactus has, of course, bit the bullet, although I can't really pull it out of there. There's a bit left in the bottom right of the picture.

Anyone want some purslane? I'm really kinda afraid to try it, being that there is that whole death thing that comes with being adventurous...

Friday, September 7, 2007

Baby mullet.

Party on top, business in the back.

Is it me ...

... or does this princess look like she's jacked up on speed?

I'm especially lovin' the Mother Teresa pose with her hands.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

More Mandyland Road Rage.

You people need to start pooling your money. Because I am totally going to need to be bailed out of jail when I start SNIPER RIFFLING COMMUTERS GOING DOWNTOWN.

Seriously. It should not take me 55 minutes to go 14 freakin' miles. Ridiculous.

This shitty town needs to do something about I-64 and quit fighting over an East End bridge that's never gonna be built.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

"What Can Brown Do for You."

I'll tell you what Brown can do for me. They can drive that big-ass brown UPS truck over to Sam's Club and pick up my new comforter I ordered that they accidentally delivered there. Like they're really gonna find one box and FREAKIN' SAM'S CLUB. It's a WAREHOUSE. I tracked the box and found it had been left there.

What really pisses me off is that I bought the comforter (for the new king size bed Bill and I ordered) because it belongs to the queen-sized set I already have –– and matches my expensive throw pillows, shams and drapes. I had to order it from a dude on eBay because it's been discontinued.

It's pretty, right? Dammit.

UPDATE: Brown came through by locating my box. The bad news is that I HAVE TO GO PICK IT UP. Lame.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Oh, please.

If you're going to off your boss, don't do it in a cliché B-movie way.

Employee Accused of Poisoning Boss' Coffee.

I'm all for stickin' it to the man, but dude, that's so 9 to 5.

Monday, September 3, 2007

If I...

...get all liquored up tonight and rip out all my teeth (including these rancid braces) with dirty pliers from Bill's tool box, will he still love me all haggled and toothless?

Because the insides of my cheek would feel soooooo much better.

Explain how random bracket can suddenly start to rub again my cheeks. Random. Haven't had an adjustment, haven't broken anything (a modern day miracle, to say the least) ... so why the friggin' irritation now?

It's the devil's work, I tell you ...

Now where are those pliers? ...

Sunday, September 2, 2007

A PSA About Birth Control.

Hey... If you're gonna get knocked up, then go to Wal-Mart and steal a home pregnancy test, don't leave the wrapper on the bathroom floor. A) It's evidence and B) I will laugh at you.

By the way, this is the second time I've seen this at Wal-Mart. Obviously, someone needs to get on the pill.

P.S. I was not trolling for gay sex. I really, really had to pee.