Thank you, ABC.

Hell, yeah.

(Perfect) LOLcat of the Day.

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I GOT PUNK'D.

There's a message board that I frequent -- love it, love the people there. I had my blog linked to it from back in the day when I started it (like, over a year ago)... didn't really think anything about it.

So today I get a warning from one of the "moderators" (read: power hungry assholes who spends waaaayyy too much time on the computer. Sad, really. He probably just needs a girlfriend to love him. Or a cat.) about my "innappropriate link." Took me a minute or two to figure out that it was my blog (*sigh. No one gets me.*), and I removed it immediately.

Hours after I'd already removed it, he posts this delightful little nugget on my blog post about the boots I've been lusting after:

"Those are adorable. I wants those. They will keep me warm while I give you warnings."

Before I actually KNEW THE TRUTH, I typed out this typical Mandyland response:

"A) These boots are clearly for women. I don't think think they make them large enough to fit your ego. But, judging by your penis size, I'm pretty sure you could get these, in like a kids size 5, so you'll probably be ok. I have the Web site if you'd like it!

B) I don't taunt you on your board, so don't taunt me on mine. Because, sweetie, I have girls. And my girls have girls. And everybody knows when you piss off one, you piss off them all.

Now I'll let you get back to your hand and bottle of lotion now. Hope your Everquest raid is swell."

________________________________________________________________

OK, the truth is my stupid ass friend Mo (you suck) actually left the remark with the dude's name. The moral* of the story is


pissed blogging is waaaay more fun than drunk blogging.




* Bill adds two other morals: make sure your target of your ire actually committed the offense and secondly, if you're punking -- 'fess up before somebody goes apeshit. But Bill's morals are stronger than my morals, obviously.

LOLcat of the Day.

Irony bites me in the ass.

THE ORIGINAL PAIR OF UGGS I ORDERED JUST SHIPPED DIRECTLY FROM THE FREAKIN' COMPANY!!

I had originally ordered them from the Ugg Web site in December, but they were backordered until April. I found them through a Canadian company last week, so I went ahead and bought those. Then got a shipping notice this morning that the ones from the Ugg site had also shipped. How's that for irony on a rainy Tuesday morning?

So there'll be an extra pair of Uggs Cardy black size 8 boots on eBay next week if anybody cares.

LOLcat of the Day.

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Yeah, I been there.

Funny.

Black imitation leather? Surely
that doesn't breathe well...

"They shrunk in the cool sea?"
That's a nice way of saying "Dude, you have a small one."

Reason #47 why kitchen sex is bad, m'kay?

I have found nirvana ...

Behold, it is Stouffer's chipped beef gravy. I can't make gravy for shit, and Bill's dad gave us a bunch of frozen food (the man has a serious grocery habit. He shops the meat department like I shop the mall). Amongst the bag was a small box of chipped beef gravy. We tossed it in the microwave and slathered it on English muffins for breakfast this morning and I about died.

This week just keeps getting more awesome.

Bill booked us for a week in Walt Disney World yesterday after a month of telling me that we couldn't go. The kicker is that he has a conference there and got a fantastic at the Animal Kingdom Lodge, which is one of the conference hotels. So we're getting a week at the Animal Kingdom Lodge for LESS than the price of one of the Cheapy McCheap budget hotels. So he'll have to work three days, and Boo and I will do some girly-type stuff like a tea party at the Grand Floridian
which we've never done before, and lunch with the princesses at Akershus in Epcot (he hates the food there, but it's worth for Boo to get to see all of them at once) while he works.

I'm so excited.

Apparently, she cannot hold her Versed

Mandyland reader and friend of mine, Mal, had an endoscomy today under heavy sedation.

She writes:

"According to my husband, here is what I had to say while coming out of it:

1. I sang the entire Wonder Pets theme song.

2. I told DH in a stage whisper all about the esophogus issues of the guy in the curtain next to me.

3. I announced my doctor was cute."

And, she adds, her doctor *is* "wicked cute." So this is a total "Moment of Truth."

Goaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllll!

Replace that soccer ball with the BLACK UGG CARDY BOOTS I've been lusting after for three months. If they actually come from the obscure Web site I just ordered them from, I will die with happiness since they're backordered on the Ugg Web site until 4/15/08 and selling for $200+ on eBay. (Note to Bill: Be sure to bury me in my Uggs.)

The following is an instant message conversation with my mother (who's cool like that).

MOM: congratulations
do they fit?
do u like them?

MANDYLAND: I don't have them IN yet; just ordered them from an obscure shoe website

MOM: oh

MANDYLAND: googled and found them
MANDYLAND:i n stock
MANDYLAND: they've already been located in stock according to the web site

MOM: what site?

MANDYLAND: softmoc.com

MANDYLAND: http://www.softmoc.com/us/systemshow-item_I5819%20BLK
MANDYLAND: Not only are they on sale (reg. $140 at ugg.com) but I had a code!
MANDYLAND: So I got them for $109.35 w/ free shipping
MANDYLAND: I might weep with joy

MOM: k

MANDYLAND: I want to do a victory lap around the office

MOM: Sorry. I think they might be the ugliest shoes I've ever seen.

MANDYLAND: no, wee
MANDYLAND: you are wrong
MANDYLAND: They're one of Oprah's Favorite Things for 2007

MOM: So is Barrack Obama, but I'm not sure about him, either

MANDYLAND: wow

Remember when Babe Ruth "called" his shot?

I'm callin' Idol. Michael Lee Johns.

Dear Person in the Last Stall in the Ladies Room:

We have no water in the building today, so I'm not sure why you felt it necessary to make an oversized deposit when it has been made clear that the toilet won't flush. You are an asshole.

XOXO,
Mandyland

Want.

Behold, this is The Pink Lady, a 1959 Pontiac Catalina convertible that General Motors design chief Harley Earl had specially painted and retrofitted for his wife, Sue*. And it has been restored to its beautiful pinkness with only 60,000 miles and just sold at the Barrett-Jackson Collector Car Event in Scottsdale for $225,000.

This is henceforth the Official Vehicle of Mandyland.







* You know it's hot that I know this.

I had a blind date with this guys once...

At least, that's how I remember he looked. Might've been the fifth of liquid courage I drank beforehand...

Yeah, I don't know what this is either, but it freaks me out, too.

Mall Etiquette 101

Bill, Boo and I spent the afternoon helping his 80-year-old Aunt Bettie (who, by the way still travels out of the country and can drink me under the table) pick up a bookshelf from Bombay Company at the mall. She treated us to lunch at California Pizza Kitchen and afterward, Boo and I walked down to the Disney Store.

Now, this is conjecture, but I believe the greater American populace would concur with me that what I saw today is completely unacceptable. First, while in the Disney Store, I saw a 20-something woman in pajama bottoms, fuzzy slippers and an oversized sweatshirt. And she was buying kids clothing, I assume, for her child. Which makes one think that she is effing old enough to know that fuzzy slippers are not appropriate shoewear for Wal-Mart, let alone the mall.

Second, as we were leaving, I saw a 60-year-old woman wearing leggings and those huge fuzzy knee-height boots. The ones with the pom-poms. Clearly, no one outside of an Alaskan dog-sledder or above the age of 25 should be sporting those. I was embarassed for her. The only thing worse would have been if she were naked.

Been there, done that.

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Amazon WTF is back!!

It's been a while since we've highlighted Amazon's TRULY RANDOM FRIDAY SALE. This week's offerings were pretty tame, and if I find out any of you bought any of this stuff, I will totally ridicule you.

Wonka Nerds Rope, 24-Count: $18.99. Seriously. If you need 24 Nerd ropes, you need to move past the third grade.
The JanSport Revelation Waist Pack with Water Bottle: $99.99-$24.99 (price depends on color. And if you really care about color, you're a tool to the nth degree on this one). This thing is clearly no Beer Belly. Which is perfect for sneaking booze past the nazis manning the gates at Churchill Downs during Derby. Not that I've ever done that.
6 3/4 Carat Blue Topaz and Rhodolite Sterling Silver Ring: $38. Also known as the fugliest piece of jewelry on the planet. Maybe it's nicer on, but I'm thinking no. Guys, I know Valentine's Day is coming up, but if you give this to your girl, it is a downward spiral to no sex for, like, three weeks. So just don't. (Besides, WTF is Rhodolite?)


Master Lock 22-Inch 9-Link Street Cuffs Lock: $42.99. I think this is a bike lock. But it clearly should have been in Amazon's Personal Care section. See also: S&M; dominatrix; kink.

Over the hump.

I have no idea who the Kelly Family is, or why they have an album called "Over the Hump" but it made me LOL when I googled "over the hump" to find a picture for this post. (The guy with the mullet in the back kinda looks like a German Brad Pitt.)

It seems we're over the worst of this funk in this house -- Boo's back to playing and Bill's doing a little better. My face still feels totally swollen from the sinus pressure and my ears hurt. I'm just hoping this doesn't turn into a sinus infection. I seem to get one of those every other month...

I'm actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow!

Kids are resilient ...

... parents, not so much.

Last Saturday, Bill went to the immediate care center with a fever, horrible sore throat, aches and pains, chills, etc... He's been at home recuperating ever since.

Monday, I took BooBerry to school and went to work. Her teacher called about 10:30 and said she had a fever, sore throat, yada yada yada. So I had a sick husband at home, a sick kid I had to take to the doctor's office ...

... and wouldn't you know it, I stayed home yesterday to take care of them both -- and started getting sick myself.

Now, I have a good, old-fashioned head cold that blind-sighted me sans sore throat, so I wasn't able to start Zicamming it. I feel totally ick, Boo still has a fever and has to stay home -- and Bill has to go to work, so there's nobody to take care of me.

Being a sick Mommy sucks.

Well, at least I'm good for something.

$4165.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth.

My body is worth $4,165. Yay, me.

Apparently what the "cool kids" are saying today.

BooBerry has taken to saying "awww, tartar sauce!" whenever something doesn't go her way. For instance:

ME: Boo, it's time for nap!

BOOBERRY: Awwwww, tartar sauce!

Apparently, it's what Spongebob Squarepants says when he's frustrated. So be cool like the preschoolers and say "tartar sauce!" today.

Well, it was good while it lasted.

After three years of airing my national Zicam commercial, it seems the company has dropped it from their 2008 line-up. I filmed it in 2004 and it was by far the coolest thing I've ever done. I got treated like a star by the production company (who wouldn't love being called "the talent") and got to visit NYC three times on the company's dime. I still stand behind the product 100% and am honored to have been a part of their ad campaign for three years. *sniff*

My reward ...

... for being SuperMom:



This cable knit cashmere wrap. Because a tired, pissed Mom is a mom who knows how to reward herself.

Kia ...

has a freakin' GREAT ad agency.

Uhhh...

Lots of people coming to the blog through THIS POST today...

You people lookin' for some help from Joey or what?



So, what's your story?

This is me today.

This is me this weekend (click on it to read it. It's cute). Bill is horribly sick following his trip to CES in Las Vegas, with a raw throat and 102.8 F fever. So after being SuperMom all week, I was looking forward to a little downtime this weekend. Instead, I had a sick husband, a bored child and a house that looked like the Proffitt house in "Overboard" (you remember it -- the one with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. Yeah, it's that bad).

So of course I woke up in a bad mood, but I rolled up my proverbial sleeves and dug in. I got two loads of dishes done, started on the laundry, did Boo's poster below, packed up the rest of the holiday decorations to go into the basement, cleaned up the great room, vacuumed, sorted through the week's mail and made lunch, all before noon.

I. am. beat. We will be having pizza for dinner because Mama? Ain't cookin'.

Yeah, I'm competitive.

Each week, BooBerry's class "celebrates" one of the students. Boo's week is next week. Each kid gets a poster board that showcases them, and it's usually the moms who do it (the kiddies are supposed to help, but two things DO NOT go together -- BooBerry and glue). So guess what I spent all morning doing?


My hands are covered in super glue, we lost the "B" in her name and had to spend 20 minutes looking for it and I never did find the bottle of Tacky Glue that obviously some burglar broke into the house and stole because it is gone, but I got it done.

Wish I were going to NYC this summer.

Grumble grumble grumble...

Yum.

This is Zico Coconut Water. And it is yum. 60 calories, refreshing, super cute box. I picked it up at The Fresh Market, where I bent over and took it up the ass ONCE AGAIN. (Four containers of soup, two sandwiches, three stuffed chicken breasts, some fresh hummus, a big bottle of C-Boost for El Sicko, the coconut water and a root beer equaled $60.)

Still, if you get a chance to try this stuff, it's great. I had the original flavor.

A PSA about HIGH HEELS

Who wears high heels to the mall? Seriously.

Today, BooBerry and I went to the mall while Bill went to the immediate care center (he wanted to get a strep test because his throat is RAW and he has a fever). Since we had just dropped off my car to get my Sirius radio installed, we were down to one car.

So we got dropped off so Boo didn't have to sit in the immediate care center.

OK, so we had a great girl time, eating Cinnamon Crunch bagels at Panera Bread, hitting up the Semi-Annual Sale at Victoria's Secret (Bella was my official smeller for the morning, since she has a FABULOUS sniffer. She smelled one lotion at VS, wrinked her nost and said, "It smells like green beans." Obviously, we didn't buy that one.), and seeing what was left of the big sale at Bath and Body Works (SCORE.)

So, as we're leaving, I see this GORGEOUS woman with cafe au lait skin, perfect blown-out hair, huge Chanel shades, an expensive black trenchcoat and scarf, and perfectly distressed jeans walking into the mall. In heels. High heels. (Aside from the velour mom track suit I'm wearing, my Sketchers were silver and totally cute.) I DO NOT GET women who wear high heels to the mall.
OK, maybe she was just stopping in for a quick lip gloss. Or maybe she had to pick up some mousse at the hair place in the mall.

Or maybe she's just a ho bag* who needs to realize that heels should only be purchased at the mall. Not worn there. Idiot.


* Yeah, I'm a hater.

File this under ...

OFFICIALLY FUCKED UP.

I mean, seriously?

Well, that sucks.

Looks like the header is going to stick around -- at least for a while. It was a dead heat in keep and its aiight, so the aiights get over-ruled. Maybe if I'm lucky Josh will remove the sweat stain...

Ms. Procrastination Says...

"Yeah, I'll get those four stories
I have due to you right away."

So Continental.

Bill called from Las Vegas last night and said his boss and his boss' boss were talking about international travel and they might be heading for conferences/vendors/tech companies outside the U.S. this year.

Now, two things can only come of that for me:
1) VACATION!
2) Frequent Flyer Miles

I have a passport, but it is dated 1998 (or 1999), is in my maiden name and has exactly three stamps in it for my three international trips –– Barbados, Paris and St. Thomas. Only one trip, our honeymoon, was post 9/11 in 2001, and I'm not even sure I got a stamp for that one since it is technically a US territory. (Although it's a funky-assd one -- I've never seen so many loose cows, goats and scary hills in my life. I swear I thought our bus was going to tumble down one of those crumbling hills at at minute. I had my inhaler in my hand the whole time.)

So now I have one of two options -- to just get a brand new one (and I'll have to wait until the cold sores clear up if I'm going to get a picture made fer sure) or to get mine renewed with my new name. The second option is cheaper (but still requires a herpes-free picture and I don't know how long it is good for). I have no idea where our original marriage license is (Bill might, though), but I do know where my old passport is. So that's a plus.

Still, I hope Bill gets to go someplace good. And not, like, Tibet or Yugoslavia, especially since my Uggs are on back order.

Callie & Porkfat

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ETA: This LOLCAT of MY cats made it to the voting page at I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER!. It was on page 28 last I checked ... thanks to my pal, Mal, for letting me know! And, go vote for Callie and Porkfat! The LOLCATs have 409 PERFECT cheezburgers!

Maybe it's the weather ...

... but I am wore out tonight. Boo and I dined magnificently on Subway sandwiches (turkey for her, veggie for me, since I was running dangerously low on WW points and wanted a glass of wine [or two] tonight. Not that that's stopped me before...) and watched "Disney's Robin Hood." It's terribly windy tonight -- enough so that it knocked my topiaries over on the front porch -- and rainy. I love the sound of wind and rain, but to be honest, you can add tornadoes to my list of irrational fears (yeah, I know everybody's scared of them, but I go into complete panic mode during tornado watches. Or if there's even a teensy tiny storm.)

Right now, though, I'm too tired to be witty and too rotten to care. So screw it; I'm going bed.

Yes, I would like cheese with my whine.

Yes I am.

I was talking to Bill tonight ...

He was sitting in the Wynn's lobby waiting for his co-worker and it was loud in the background. All of a sudden, it got real quiet.


"David Caruso just walked by with his four handlers," Bill said.


Yeah, I had to google David Caruso.

So, uh, guess who Bill interviewed today.

Danica freakin' Patrick. In person.

But I ain't skeered*.


* Liar liar, fat pants on fire.

"Bring it on."

If I could "bring it," I totally "brought it" tonight. And I? Am freaking exhausted.

We got home at about 4:45 p.m. It's now 9:30 p.m. and I. Just. Sat. Down. Here's what filled the time:
* Got the mail
* Filled the bird feeders
* Fixed supper*
* Fed the cats
* Cut out 278 effing Campbell's Labels for Education from Pepperidge Farms bread bags (I'm not kidding. My hands freakin' hurt after an hour and a half. I completely forgot I had to do this for the PTA. I'm so proud I didn't slice my hand open with the box cutter I was using.)
* Watched STRANGER SAFETY with BooBerry TWICE and tried to make the concept of a "Kinda Know" person (FYI? Your swim coach, Little League coach, Dad's friend, etc. are all "Kinda Know" people) to a four-year-old who thinks everyone is AWESOME (she now knows to kick all strangers in the balls** while yelling "NO! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM! NO! YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!")
* Cleaned the litter box
* Did the dishes
* Did one load of laundry
* Put B in the shower and dried her hair
* Packed her backpack since school starts up again tomorrow (WTF with the random Monday off)
* Medicine, toothbrushing, song & snuggle, bed

Whew. Finally. I get to settle down to "Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann" when, WAIT. Boo is missing her puppy, which is downstairs on the chair. She's hollering for it. I run it upstairs. She wants hugs. Because she is sad and missing Daddy.

And finally. Finally. I get to sit.


Single moms, you are freakin' awesome.



* OK, I heated up left overs. But at least I fucking did it over Taco Bell.
** Well, the ball-kicking might be MY OWN PERSONAL addition to the DVD. They seem to have left that part out.

"Global Warming Doesn't Exist," my ass.

It's going to be 72 degrees here today.

72!

In early January!

WTF?!

All those naysayers who think global warming doesn't exist are welcome to come sit on my front porch this afternoon. We're serving sweet tea and fly swatters.

Also,

THIS:

...is a waaaaaay watered-down version of this:

I know books usually are, but damn. If you're a fan of the book (which I'm not, really. It was aiight), don't even bother. I rented it on satellite last night and that's $4 I can't get back.

Is there a DREAM doctor in the house?

I had three pretty whacked out dreams last night. I'm sure it has something to do with sleeping alone. And Callie messing with me from 6:30 a.m. on since she was hungry. (She was literally digging in the pillows to find my hands so I'd pet her. And she has the loudest purr on the planet).

But I digress.

In the first dream, I was in college, and the part I remember was my room was right across the hall from Bill's (mind you, we didn't even go to the same college for undergrad) and the door to the room next to his kept opening on its own. When I left my room, I kept shutting it because I didn't want anyone to steal anything. Finally, I remember him and a friend walking down the hall holding gifts for a Secret Santa exchange. As I approached him from the opposite end, they both tried to hide the presents. In a fit of rage, I snatched them up and tore open the packages. Bill's said "TO AMY FROM BILL". Both were
Grumpy Bear. In two sizes. And Bill's was smaller. (WTFFFFFFFF?)

Then I woke up, or that's all I remember. I have no idea who "Amy" is, and I know Bill doesn't even know an "Amy." But I pity Bill and imaginary Amy for the wrath that was about the be released on them. I was even pissed when I woke up (double WTF?).

In the second dream, my family and I were swimming in the Louisiana bayou in a small, deep river (yeah, nevermind the fact that they're probably teeming with gators. I never said these dreams made sense.) And my parents' dog, Ginger (she's supposed to be part-collie, but it had to be a collie mating with a collie, cuz we don't see anything else in her) was with us. We had big floating rafts, and we didn't see Ginger for a while. I swam over to a raft, flipped it over to climb on, and Ginger was dead beneath it. I grabbed her, performed doggie mouth-to-mouth. And she was saved.

Gross.

Finally (are you still with me?), I dreamed my brother was getting married (same girl. It just hadn't happened yet). I was chatting on a deck with my sorority sisters (???) and my dad came in and started yelling at me that we had to get started (double ????). I went to get "something old" out of an old jewelry box I have ...

... and found about a dozen old pairs of earrings that match my new aquamarine ring

that you guys voted for. And then BooBerry woke me up, and it was already 8 a.m. (Bless her for sleeping in.)


So, uhhhhh, yeaaahhh, that was my night... how was yours?

She'd agree with me.

Just say "no."

"I'd rather watch 'Beautician and the Beast'. I'd rather watch FRAN DRESHER ..."

"Inconceivable."

Two good things about Bill being in Las Vegas:

and


It's nice to be able to enjoy these without his constant bitching and running freakin' commentary, respectively.

Never again.

Build-A-Bear on a Saturday morning is like a crackhouse to a crack fiend. Lots of goods but not enough money. I swear to God this is the only place on Earth where a four-year-old can leave with a $357 teddy bear in under ten minutes flat.

Boo ended up with this one:


and I have to admit, it's pretty cute in the Valentine's Day pink and red fairy dress it (she?) is wearing. But I saw about 10 eight-year-olds at some kid named Emily's birthday party there (and, really? Do we all have to sing Happy Birthday Cha Cha Cha to Emily, who I don't know and will never see again? Umm, no.) and I just kept thinking that that birthday party? Cost twice as much as the Uggs I want.