Sunday, August 31, 2008

Facebook.

I just spent the last hour talking to my summer BFF growing up. Her parents own the property next to ours on an island in northern Minnesota. I hate to get all squishy, but I adored her then, and apparently still do.

You know how there are some people with whom you'll always click, regardless of time/ age? Yeah, Angela is it.

Facebook is awesome.

Like walking in a dream...


I'm having one of those weird out-of-body weekends where I'm fuzzy, stressed and out of focus. I've slept a lot and the rest of the time I just feel disoriented and out of it...

I'm worried that Tuesday's surgeries aren't going to happen; our Lay-Z-Boy broke, with a spring popping though; Boo's singing at the top of her lungs since I turned Spongebob Squarepants off (really, I don't know which is worse); it's 837 degrees outside and worst of all -- I'm PMFUCKINGSing, which means if I start, cannot have my surgeries as planned. I have Jello-O and broth ready for tomorrow's liquid diet, but if I go on a liquid diet and cannot have surgery as planned, I? Will effing lose it.

I need a stiff drink and a pizza, both of which I smell in my immediate future...
HAPPYFUCKINGLABORDAY to me...

Thursday, August 28, 2008

PHOTO SHOOT DAY!!


We're having a big photo shoot today for the magazine. I've decided that since I'm having my gall bladder out next Tuesday and will be limited this weekend on what I can eat (read: magnesium citrate and broth. Woot.), I'm going to go hog wild today like a fat kid at a candy buffet.

ETA: Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. I think my gall bladder is trying to digest itself...

Do YOU Twitter?

Add me. Gypsydoodlebug. I don't have a MySpace or Facebook page because I'm completely lost when it comes to setting them up, but this Twitter thing is pretty easy. Also, Bill says I'm going to end up going to "Tweetups" and when I asked him what that was, he told me. And no, I don't think I'll be going.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Tonight.

My dog.


My kid.

Two brackets gone!!

I broke two brackets on my braces (sangria + Buffalo hot wing Doritos = FAIL) and my ortho just removed them!!

Looks like there's the potential that I might get them off before we leave for Walt Disney World on 10/11. image

CAN I GET AN

image????

Monday, August 25, 2008

OK, IF ...


... "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (the original. Not that Sarah Michelle Gellar shit) is really a ONEFUCKINGSTAR movie, Dish Satellite, then tell me why the following people were in it:

* Donald Sutherland. DONALDFUCKINGSUTHERLAND.

* Hilary Swank. (OK, Hil, I still haven't forgiven you for "Boys Don't Cry", but your performance here was stellar. If by "stellar" I mean "forgettable." Really. I had no idea that was you.)

* David Arquette. Um. Ok... you're the one married to Courteney Cox, right?

* Paul Reubens. Whack it.

* Luke Perry. Oh, Dylan. How I miss your 48-year-old high schooler.

* Ben Affleck. Basketball Player #10. Says it all about this movie. I love Wikipedia.

"What's the sitch?" This movie was ground-breaking.

I really dig this song ...



And then I watched the video and realize I am old.

Why I love Amazon.com.


1 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars I'ts ok, I guess, June 17, 2008
Durability:5.0 out of 5 stars Fun:3.0 out of 5 stars Educational:2.0 out of 5 stars
I got one of these for my birthday, which isn't as lame a gift as it sounds. I like having my Jesus command my plastic army men into battle against the unbelievers. After all, the Scriptures do say that the Messiah will be a warrior as well as a teacher.

I do have some quibbles, though. First, my Jesus isn't circumcised. Yeah, I know -- it's a toy for kids, and people would freak out if it was anatomically correct. But the covenant that God made with Abraham isn't just something to be disregarded just because it's cheaper or easier to do it that way. Man is so weak and God is so strong that, when God asks us for some small show of faith, like circumcision, it's important that we do take pride in doing it. Not showing that Jesus lived the covenant like any other man sends a terrible message to other kids.

This does get 5 stars for durability though. I've accidentally scratched or poked some holes in my Jesus, and within a couple of days, the plastic seals right up again. I don't know what they used to make this, but it's great!

Finally, I'm a little upset that the voice they use doesn't really *sound* like Jesus did. Oh well, it's still fun to play with, and I can take my Jesus with me to social events and dates and things, where I might otherwise be tempted to sin. Whenever I feel the presence of the Evil One, I can look at Jesus' stern-but-loving face and know just what I should do!

Hell, even I would look.

CLICK HERE.

No words really needed.

Do yourself a favor ...



... and rent "The Spiderwick Chronicles." Bill & I rented it from satellite this weekend and it was excellent. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up. Fine holiday fun.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Lake Par-tay!

My BFF, Jen, rented a house at a local lake for her hubby, Travis's, big birthday party. OMG we had so much fun.

Travis gets a surprise.

Bill n Me. I'd already washed my face
and put on my biggie t-shirt here.

This deer head sang. Garth Brooks.
I felt kinda violated, and so should Garth.

Jen & I with our drunken "Myspace" pic. Her smile is TDF.

I completely SHREDDED a muscle in my right thigh climbing the cliff from the house down to the reservoir. And by "shredded" I mean destroyed. OMG. You should have SEEN these rocks -- seriously. Rapelling? Not my thing.

Friday, August 22, 2008

!!!!!

Nice ad, American Apparel. Took me a half-second to figure out that's two dudes. Although the androg in the wifebeater only has his pit hair to make him look like a man.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

A new meme!

Stolen from Jen's blog:

I am...
tired.
I think...constantly. Sometimes I have brain diarrhea that just won't stop.
I know...
 I can be a bitch. So do you, so don't act surprised.
I want... to be healthy again.
I have... a pulled muscle in my neck probably caused by Callie sleeping to close to my face.
I wish... to be thin again. That's why it's called wishing. Duh.
I hate...
hypocrisy. Eating only at local restaurants but shopping at Wal-Mart and Target is a prime example.
I miss...Boo being small. That mouth of hers sometimes ...
I fear...
my upcoming surgeries. I get a hangnail and whine for days.
I feel... sleepy right now.
I hear... the dirty version of Saving Abel's "Addicted" on my iPod. Sexy rock.
I smell... nothing. Meh. Overrated anyway.
I search... the Internets for shit to post on my blog.
I wonder... what happens in "Breaking Dawn" by Stephenie Meyer. I haven't been able to finish "Eclipse" yet because I have a ton of stuff to read from the library.
I regret... not taking the 9-month scholarship to study in Scotland. I was in love, though. I guess I won, right?
I love... Pinot Grigio. Actually all wine. Anybody got a funnel?
I care...
about Bill & Boo.
I always... find time for a glass of wine and a good book on the porch.
I am not...
missing prime time television yet. Having my nights free? Awesome.
I believe... in Bill. He's Cliff Claven in younger form.
I dance... with Boo in the living room and love every minute of it.
I sing...
decently.
I don't always...
flush the toilet in the middle of the night. Shut up -- it always wakes Ms. Light Sleeper up, then the dog has to go out, then Callie thinks it's partehtime and wants to play and then it all goes downhill from there.
I write... for a living. Score one for Mandy.
I win... at Trivial Pursuit only because I cheat like a son of a bitch.
I lose... my gall bladder in 13 days!
I never... liked Cold Play. I'm probably the only person on the planet who thinks they're whiny.
I listen... to Sirius 30 The Coffeehouse in the car. So I like singer/songwriters, what of it, huh?
I can usually be found... with my laptop or a book.
I'm scared of... spiders. Even itty-bitty ones. 8 legs? Not right.
I read...
everyday. I go through books like water.
I forget...birthdays. I'm HORRIBLE at it.
I just...remembered to ask Shelly when Lori's birthday is. Oops.
I am happy about...our upcoming trip to Disney World, just Bill and me!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Can You Spot the Tiny Difference?



One of these kittehs is Callie. One of these kittehs is not. Can YOU spot the tiny difference?


I have a date!

For my surgeries! September 2! Yay! I'm also high on Percocet right now!

Man Candy 2.

Holy hell!! John McCain was a bonafide hottie.

Is it really necessary?

First Barbie and Ken break up and she starts dating ├╝ber metrosexual Blaine (really, honey, he's just not that into you. Check out his matching lipstick –– I think he just wants in your pants. Literally.)
The the best board game of all time gets a makeover. Utterly ridiculous. I'm down with adding more weapons (btw my friend, Kalen, is a state champion in taekwondo weapons. She'll straight up bust your ass, yo. I call her Chuck Norris, only with boobs and less chest hair) but really, why change the names of the characters?

It makes this:


...obsolete and it is one of my most favoritest movies of all time (our babysitter/nanny/other mother, Brenny, would take us to rent a movie and I always rented this one. God bless her I know she got tired of watching it). Also, this was the best scene.

Monday, August 18, 2008

"My name is Inigo Montoya ..."

My gall bladder has a name.

It's Jeff. "Gall bladder" just seems so impersonal given the intimate relationship we seem to have. (And no, I still don't have a damn date for my surgeries. Internal medicine doesn't work on a fast time table unless your guts are falling out of your body and/or on fire -- preferably both.)

So in honor of Jeff, here are some Jeff-related photographs from the Interwebs:

This is a guy named Jeff. Jeff put bacon on a turkey and somebody took a picture of it. WTG, Jeff.
Bill would like you, buddy.


Jeff does not rock. Jeff is indeed an asshole for all the pain he's caused me.

This is a cat named Jeff. Jeff the cat has an awesome Web site about WHAT HE'S KILLED.


Jeff had a saloon in Alaska. Alaska is cold, Jeff.

This Jeff (Corwin) has a lizard
on his head 'cuz he rolls like that.


Jeff makes me want to drink.
Hell, like I need a photo for THAT.

Stare into this Jeff's eyes and he will hypnotize
you and make you want to wear a camo hunting cap.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Kids have it so good these days.

When I was little, our Slip N Slide was a plain sheet of plastic that you threw a garden hose on and launched yourself from mid-yard. The result would be a faceplant in the grass, a bruised chest and the inevitable rock or stick up your ass. Good times.

We bought Boo a new one at Target, and this thing is JACKED UP. It has a freakin' POOL at the end of it and a tiny shower of sprays to caress the skin as the kids slide down it. It's not fair.

Zombie child says the water is too cold.

Check out that soft landing. WTH?
We never had it this good as kids.

Friday, August 15, 2008

In case you were wondering ...

Where you can buy a stuffed steak plushie, you can get one HERE. And who doesn't want a plush steak? Every household in America needs one. You're nothing without one. All the cool kids have one.

Today I'm meeting with the surgeon who's going to take out my gall bladder. Not sure why I have to meet with him first -- dude, just rip it out. It's only functioning at 11%. I'm sick of the pain!

Hopefully, we can get both the gall bladder and the girly surgery scheduled today -- the repoductive endocrinologist and the general surgeon are going to work together on it. Basically one doctor steps in, does his thing and then steps out and tags in the other one. See? I am a "Grey's Anatomy" episode.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

In Honor of Tomorrow's ...

MAJOR BIGFOOT PRESS CONFERENCE here's a clip from one of my two favorite South Park episodes:

Newport News ...

Bringin' back colorblock and jumpsuits all in one. They weren't cool way back when; still aren't cool now. Maybe that's why they're on clearance.

Yikes!!!

Thursday Morning Time Suck.



Best Week Ever has chronicled the TOP 10 TO CATCH A PREDATOR episodes. Did you know they canceled the show after the sister of a pervert who SHOT himself in the head after the camera dudes showed up on his front porch SUED the show and freaking WON (WTF)?

I love this shit. There's nothing better than watching Chris Hansen walk in on a naked dude eating cookies while waiting for a 13-year-old except maybe watching Judge Milian go all Latina on somebody with her head roll and pointed talon. That's good stuff, too. Why do these men sit around and freaking CHAT?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Man Candy.

This is Jake Gyllenhaal. I don't know when Jake Gyllenhaal got all hot and ripped but he's totally doing it for me in this "Prince of Persia" get up. He looks like a pirate on a smutty novel (EAT IT, Fabio!). And he seems to be holding his mom's hand since that is clearly not Reese Witherspoon (actually it is, but I prefer to pretend she's not in this picture and he's walking toward ME). Those pants are super hot. I'm totally going to get a pair for Bill.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Webkinz Fail.

Just like a real garden, if you don't water and rake it, shit dies.
I hate it when shit dies. I'm still traumatized by Jack in "Titanic."

I have a KINDERGARTENER!!

Peeking out the door.

Yelling at me to "come ON, MOMMY!" Charming.

Looking a little scared.
Probably wondering where her BFF is.

Ready to go!

No I didn't cry. And yes, she was the best dressed in her class, which is all that mattered on the first day, of course. Really -- shorts and a t-shirt on your first day of kindergarten? Ew.

Monday, August 11, 2008

I'm Cheating, Shel.

This came from my friend Shelly via e-mail today and I need a blog post because I am lazy, so here goes... feel free to steal and post, too:

Two names you go by:
1. Mandy, Mandisa (only Jeremy calls me that)

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. khaki capris
2. Disney t-shirt

Two longest car rides:
1. Scott Valley, Arkansas (went to a dude ranch, yes I did)
2. Tower, MN

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. read on my front porch
2. drink wine

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. my gall bladder out
2. a buffalo chicken sandwich from Buckhead's. Not that I could eat it.

Three animals you have or have had:
1. Callie – grey kitteh
2. Porkfat – mottled kitteh
3. Little Gypsy Lay-Dee-Dot aka “Doodlebug” - Lhasa apso

Three people who will fill this out:
1. Suzanne
2. Charmed
3. Dunnski

Three things you ate today:
1. a HOT Krispy Kreme (Hurt my gall bladder, but it was soooo worth it)
2. (thinking about eating some Chicken Noodle O's)
3. TBD

Two people you last talked to:
1. Josh
2. Bill

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. work
2. Watching "Big Brother 10"

Two favorite holidays:
1. Christmas
2. Thanksgiving

Two favorite beverages:
1. Wine
2. dirty martini (vodka only, please)

Friday, August 8, 2008

Cornbread WTF?

I've been sitting outside for the past two hours pouring over Stephenie Meyer's Eclipse so I can move on to what is apparently a freaking mind-blowing conclusion in Breaking Dawn (sans spoilers) and I came inside to find this:




Bill and Boo made homemade cornbread (and I mean homemade -- no Jiffy shit here). Bill had learned that cornmeal kills ants and we had an anthill in the mulch outside. So he decided to come inside at 8:30 p.m. and make HOMEMADE cornbread in our cast iron skillet.

Not that I'm arguing, because I totally ate that shit, but how RANDOM is that on a Friday night?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Dammit.

I had a HIDA scan (Google it yourself. I'm too lazy and/or wallowing-in-my misery to do it now) and a CT scan on mah gall bladder and liver respectively.

The good news is that my liver is not completely pickled by vodka and wine.

The bad news is that my gall bladder is functioning at 11 percent* so it has to come out. OMG. So I have to combine my lady surgery with my gall bladder.**

Completely. Lame. Remember that I have to have a Xanax to get the wires changed on my braces. You can get a good picture of how I'm going to handle this.



* Seriously? WTF? How am I not dead?
** My brother wants to know if he can have a piece of it. Because he has a potions spell that calls for "the organ of a bitch." And now you know why I am like I am.

THIS is what happens when I send Josh a picture over IM.

ME:
ME: poligamy is awesome

JOSH: and hot

ME: it's the dress. if I wore that dress I would be hot, too

JOSH: automatic turn on

ME: do you think they make their own butter?
like the Amish?

JOSH: i know where they make their own butter

ME: where?

JOSH: in their vagina

ME: no -- they've always got babies up there. no room

JOSH: makes for easy delivery

ME: good point

ME: this is the most inane conversation ever

JOSH: buttered poligamy vaginas are everyday talk for myself
get with the program
let's go talk about it at the water cooler

ME: we should.

ME: pass on the poligamy love

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

ONHD???? OYHD!!!!


We had a message on our home phone from a "Mr. Donnie" who was "desperately trying to get in touch with a relative" of mine. He left his stupid ass name and phone number.

These kinds of call piss me off. It's obviously a bill collector looking for somebody. We don't even have a "Martha" in the family.

Here's how it went down:

MR. DONNIE: Hello, this is Mr. Donnie with Chase Home Services Lending.

ME: Hi, you called our house today looking for someone?

MR. DONNIE: OK, who was it?

ME: A "Martha Lastname". We have no one in the family by that name.

MR. DONNIE: OK, and you're not a friend or relative of this person?

ME: (annoyed) Ummm, no, and don't call our house again.

MR. DONNIE: OK, and why don't you lose the attitude next time?

ME: Why don't you go f*ck yourself? (slams down phone.)


I'm so proud.