A riddle.

IF you eat a carb, and nobody's around to see it, does it still count?

FWIW, I spit it out into the trashcan*. It was a piece of caramel popcorn.



(*Not because I shouldn't eat it. Because I can't with these damn braces.)

Sweet Mother of God.

Corey Haim is back.

For those of you who don't remember the love of my 13-year-old self, Corey Haim is this one:



I had an ENTIRE WALL of Bop and TigerBeat pictures of him. I used to trade Joy Whiteside my pictures of New Kids on the Block for her shots of Corey. I drew his name on my Trapper Keeper in INK. It HAD to be love, right?

Now, apparently following his downward spiral of shame into drugs and alcohol (and subsequently gaining about 150 lbs.), he pairing with his former bad-boy BFF, Corey Feldman, in a new reality show. Feldman was this one:



They're sharing a house, including Feldman's wife, Susie (the pair were married during his stint on The Surreal Life in a ceremony officiated by ... are you ready for it... MC Hammer. HAMMERTIME!).



Catch the show on Sunday nights (I missed the premiere last night, but it's A&E, which means hella-reruns).

Lunch.

BooBerry invited Porkfat for lunch today. On the menu? Alphabet soup and tea. Porkfat was only faintly annoyed when I stopped them to snap this picture.



(Porkfat is our domestic short-haired cat. She has a "slight" weight problem.)

Revenge of the White Trash.

I can see how road rage happens.

Today, I was returning from the mall with my BFF and we stopped at a red light. As our light turned green and I hit the gas, this Ford pick-up truck comes blazing from our right and turns right in front of us (despite his red light). He never even hit his brakes.

I honked my horn.

His girlfriend rolled down her window. And stuck her head ALL THE WAY out. And flipped me off with her HUGE fake nail. I swear to God it was a TALON.

Oh, no you did not...

Then, her tobacco-spittin' boyfriend rolled down HIS window and did the same thing.

I saluted them in double (classy, I know. I was so MAD.), then blew them a kiss. He proceeded to go about 15 miles an hour until he made another righthand turn and she flipped us off AGAIN.

My BFF wanted to follow them to key their truck, but I was pretty sure the kiss I blew them was insulting enough...

Hey, South Beach!

(C'mon. LOL cats are still funny.)

10 Things You Don't Know About Me.

I don't have much to blog about, so I'm posting 10 random things you don't know about me.

10) Jelly Bellys are my favorite food. And, yes, they do belong as a food group.
9) I have a full set of braces and mostly want to rip them out with pliers on a daily basis. They suck my will to live.
8) If I had a Patronus, it would be a wolf. (Since that's my maiden name, I'm sure that's what it'd be.)
7) I have a cat named Porkfat and a dog named Little Gypsy Lay-Dee-Dot. We call her Doodlebug.
6) Favorite song: Walkin' in Memphis.
5) When I was in college, people likened me to Meg Ryan pre-lip job. I even pretended to be her cousin in an airport once when two women were serving me my Cinnabon and commented on it. Got me extra icing for it, too.
4) I saw Muhammad Ali in the airport a couple of months ago. I think he was going to see his daughter on Dancing With the Stars. (He was flying Delta, in case you were wondering.)
3) I've never seen "Steel Magnolias." (Shut up. I know the end. Why would I want to watch ugly ol' Julia Roberts die?)
2) I loathe being in the car. I have to be sedated for any rides beyond three hours.
1) I have an irational fear of ... buttons on clothing. Bet you didn't know THAT.

WWDD?

So I'm sitting here, and I have a sudden thought.

"What's Debbie Gibson up to these days?"



Doesn't she look GREAT?! My favorite former pop star has her own Web site (www.deborah-gibson.com) now, and she actually HAS NEWS! Posted! On it! And it's current!

Seems Debbie –– now called "Deborah" in an attempt I suppose to age her Electric Youth –– was featured in a recent issue of OK! Magazine. Um, I'm a subscriber, and I must've missed it. There's also a "garage sale" section on her site where you can buy velvet jackets! From her tour! Such as this green Karl Lagerfeld jacket worn by Deborah in the "Shock Your Mama" video!



(Yeah, I don't remember that song either.)

She's also appearing at "Changed for Good," a musical tribute to Mr. Stephen Schwartz next week in Hollywood. (He's the musician and lyricist who wrote, among other shows, Wicked. Which we all know is BooBerry's current obsession.) I would totally kill to see that show, as it not not only features Ms. Gibson, but also: Wilson Cruz, Eden Espinosa, Megan Hilty, Mark Indelicato, Jai Rodriguez, Erika Amato, the Greater Los Angeles Cathedral Choir, Meloney Collins, Kim Huber, Kevin Earley, Danny Calvert, Misty Cotton, Brooke Wilkes & Ryan Black, Bruce Vilanch, Ava Gaudet Levi Kreis, William Katt, Jeffrey Landman and Chad Doreck. With Musical Direction by Brent Crayon.

Of those, I only recognize Debbie –– I mean, Deborah –– and Jai Rodriguez, he of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" fame. I'm assuming the rest are Broadway stars. (Noticeably absent is my hero, Idina Menzel, who originated the role of Elphaba in "Wicked.")




Oh, and Uran Outfitters sells bitchin' Debbie, er, Deborah, merchandise. She posted that on her Web site. So she's either flattered, or taking the high road.



Personally, I think it's the latter, as this t-shirt is already on sale. So from now on, I'll follow her lead, and ask myself "What Would Debbie Do?" when faced with obstacles.



Edited to Add: Here's some Debbie trivia. On her IMDB.com page, it has a uncredited listing for the 1984 blockbuster, "Ghostbusters" as the "Birthday Girl in Tavern on the Green." Who knew?

Justification, bay-be.

If I see something I want, and I DON'T buy it (let's say –– hypothetically speaking, of course–– that we're talking about the Kate Spade san miguel jocelyn bag that's currently at their Friends and Family sale)



then that means I can technically take the money that I WOULD spend on that item and add it to the money I would spend on another item of higher value, right?

Because that's how I roll...

Finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Ya know when you just had a big meal, and you finish of that last bite of rich, gooey chocolate cake for dessert, push your plate away and proclaim yourself "stuffed?"

That's me after finishing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows last night at approximately 8:40 p.m. Holy freaking crap.

But that doesn't mean I don't want another slice of cake as a snack later. Please, JK, don't let your world die!! This girl wants more. I wish I could see her on the Today show this morning...I'm sure I can find the transcripts somewhere...

Wow.

Apparently, I AM the only person still watching Pirate Master, as the show has been removed from CBS' remaining summer line-up and vanquished to the network's Web site. I was waiting for it after Big Brother, and it wasn't there. If that isn't a spank to Mark Burnett, I don't know what is.

Still, I'm rootin' for Louie to win.

Just... wrong.

While surfing Amazon's toy sale, I saw several WWE figurines. That set my brain into action (could you see the smoke?) and I wondered...



Yes. Amazon has MANY Chris Benoit action figures still for sale. For a man who murdered his family and then killed himself, I think this is a little bit insensitive.Granted most of these are from third-party sellers, but still... you don't see Jeffrey Dahmer action figures.

Oh, wait. Yes you do...



Holy crap.

Priorities.

vs.

Tough call. Big Brother won. Only because the damn show will be on again on Tuesday.

P.S. Feelin' bad for Dani tonight. HOTNESS/GAY Nick vs. Chris, boyfriend at home. BAH (boyfriend-at-home) isn't here to keep you warm at night, is he? That makes it hard. But then again, with < 100 lbs. of skin on you, sweetie, I doubt there's much keeping you warm at night.

Giddyup.

This is what I wanted to do all weekend:



(I'm about 300 pages in. I have sit in the driveway in a camping chair for some peace and quiet to actually do it.)

Instead, it was BooBerry's birthday weekend. In case you wondered what a "cowboy/ Arizona" party looks like, this is it:



And here's a picture I told Bill I was going to blog about when I took it. He looks so fussy as he arranged the shrimp in an artistic display:



Finally, here's a rare portrait of the two of us.



Notice my adorable gingham shirt. An hour after this was taken, the shirt was covered in sweet & sour sauce from the meatball that strangely jumped off my plate and rolled down my shirt. Accio meatball!


P.S. Who the frick gives a four-year-old a rhythm band set that includes a drum, a harmonica, maracas and a tamborine? OH, THAT'S RIGHT. Thanks, Mom and Dad. Next time you babysit, these are coming to Wee and Po-Po's house.

All-Birthday Weekend.

Pass the Xanax, please.

BooBerry went to school today CRYING (this, at 7:45 a.m.) because ... she wasn't getting a present at school today. Her birthday isn't until Sunday. She also told her teachers and her classmates she was five (not true, but she believes she's going to turn five 100%). That's her above after a COMPLETE SUGAR RUSH following the ice cream and cupcakes she ate for her birthday party at school.

She has the unusual experience of having her BFF share the SAME BIRTHDAY as she does. I even remember A in the hospital -- she was the only infant with a SHOCK of orange hair in the nursery. Who knew the girls would end up in the same daycare? They even started on the same day.

We're going to Chuck E Cheese's tomorrow (hello, South Beach Diet. Yeah, I know we're going to go off program.) with A & Co. and then having BooBerry's party on Sunday, so it's a full weekend.

Oh, sure, she COULD have had a princess party. Or a My Little Pony or a Strawberry Shortcake party. Instead she wanted a ... cowboy/Arizona party. Not a COWGIRL party.

So I have a scruffy cowboy cutout for the front door, a blow up cactus and a dozen plastic ponies among her decorations. The cowboy's pretty scary -- the 5 o'clock shadow makes him look like he should be lurking in a dark alley looking for his next crack high rather than readying himself for a shootout at the OK Corral.



P.S. Taco Tico. Taco Tico. I still like saying it.

Can I get an "Amen"?

I just saw a news report that there's a new TACO TICO that opened on Terry Road here in Louisville. That's no where near me, but it might be worth the drive for a taste of taco heaven.



I grew up on the stuff -- there was one just up the road from my childhood home. It was the place where I first tasted a Choco Taco. It was pre-Taco Bell tastiness. (Plus, I just like saying "Taco Tico." C'mon. You know it's fun to say "Taco Tico.")

According to the news report, a typical Taco Tico brings in $10,000 a week. THIS unit brought in $14,000 in the FIRST TWO DAYS.

That's a lot of tacos. I'm clearly in the wrong business.

Bittersweet.

I didn't watch the finales of "Quantum Leap," "Life Goes On" or "The X-Files" because I have a problem with closure.The release of the seventh and reportedly final Harry Potter book makes me very, very sad. Yes, I'm going to read it. And I've been dilligently avoiding any spoiler information online. I hope it lives up to everyone's standards, but it still makes me sad.

J.K. Rowling, you are an extremely stingy woman. You created a fabulous world -- let it live on! There's so much that can be done that doesn't involve Harry & his pals! Take a page from George Lucas' highly lucrative licensing book and let a group of writers continue writing if you're tired of it. Heck, you can even hand-pick 'em!

Sad.

P.S. BooBerry's birthday is this weekend. Is it wrong to sneak away from her parties to read in the bathroom??

Dear Amber:

Hi, sweetie. My mom just called. She never watches Big Brother, but she wants to know what the hell's wrong with you. She said she doesn't understand why you entered the Big Brother house in the first place since you obviously can't hack the stress. She said you wouldn't even last at summer camp. In fact, she wants to shortsheet your bed and TP your stuff.

Just thought you should know, y'know, in case you want to toughen up before you see yourself on TV and realize what a complete crybaby you are.

Best,
Mandy

P.S. You've cried more in two weeks than my four-year-old has cried all year. WTF, man?

Jedi Mind Trick.

It's not a yellow sapphire, but if you see me wearing this anytime soon, pretend it's real. That's what I'm doing.

Gettin' Beachy wit' it!

It's been one of those days. It's raining outside, which makes this two-floor house feel like a 10x10 shack -- we're all getting on each other's nerves. Even the dog is bored.



After picking up BooBerry from my parents' house (she calls them Wee and Po-Po) this morning, we went to the grocery (because we went through two dozen eggs, a gallon of milk, a container of cottage cheese, a tub of sugar-free Cool-Whip, a box of sugar-free fudgecicles and a package of individually-wrapped cheddar cheese bites this week alone), then ate lunch and Bella took a nap.

I should have:

Cleaned out this refrigerator. I have no idea what's in there. Frankly, I'm afraid to dig. Mostly, it's condiments. How many bottles of salad dressing do we have? 9. 9 bottles of salad dressing, of which three are South Beach Compliant.

Or, I should have forced BooBerry to clean up the office, where we've been camped out all day:



Instead, I cooked all afternoon in the kitchen trying out some South Beach recipes. First, I made these brownies:



Sure they LOOK good. Unfortunately, they are ass nasty. They're made with (are you ready for it?) black beans, cocoa, eggs, Splenda, vanilla and salt. Found the recipe online. Should have left it there.

I also made South Beach-compliant ketchup, which is tomato paste, water, vinegar, Splenda and spices. Suprisingly, it's acceptable for mocketchup:



Finally, I made these individual mini-quiches for our breakfasts this week.



Yay for me and my cooking skills. Unfortunately, I'm now to tired to fix dinner...

How to Piss Off Mandy in a Movie Theater.

This is a how-to on how to reaallllly piss off Mandy at a movie theater.

Hi, my name is Cankles. I sat next to Mandy during the hella expensive 3-D + IMAX showing of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix this afternoon. Boy, Mandy sure did look hot in her Platform 93/4 t-shirt. Wonder where she got that?

Back to our how-to guide. So Mandy and her husband, Bill, arrived 15 minutes early for the show. I, of course, had to remove my black-Reeboked, white-socked feet from the seat in front of me to let them pass.

I then proceeded to loudly discuss my knowledge of thestrels, the Aveda Kedavra curse, Ron & Hermione's relationship and straight-from-mugglenet.com news on what to expect on the final book to my partner, who closely resembles a Hobbit (shh...don't tell her I said that). Loudly. Because, of course, I had to show my knowledge of all things Harry Potter. It doesn't take occlumancy to know I obviously know everything -- I looked around to make sure everyone was listening.

Once the movie started, I held my ginormous Juicy knock-off bowler bag on my lap. That way, I could better dig out the ten sacks of groceries I brought with me to snack on. I also opened each bag individually. I like to do that during quiet parts of the film so I can hear that little *whoosh* the bag of Cheetos makes as it opens. And, mmmm....boy, those pork rinds sure were good and crunchy. I brought my own soda, by the way -- I had to open it during the movie, and a little sprayed out, but it was tasty.

Finally, I like to laugh REAL LOUD at all the funny parts of the movie. No one minds my little snorts I make when I laugh. And I always talk to my Hobbit pal about parts of the book the movie was skipping. Loudly. And I'm sure no one minded my Tourette's-like outburts of "Cool!" and "Yeah!" and "OH, MAN! FREAKIN' AWESOME!", or my sporadic bursts of clapping, despite the fact that no one else was clapping. Did I mention I was loud?

And that, my friend, is how to piss off Mandy at a movie theater.

What this girl needs is ...

... a Time-Turner. Just like Hermoine used in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

Like most Americans, I've anxiously awaited the seventh and "final" book the Harry Potter series. I'm 200 pages from my second re-read of the 6th book in anticipation, and to refresh my memory. With a week to go, I knew my brain would be saturated with Horcruxes, Patronuses (Patroni?) and the ever-pressing question of Snape: Good or Evil?

So imagine my dismay when the public library sent me a notice that THREE of the books I'd reserved were finally, finally in.

After three months of waiting.

With nothing to read.*

And they can't be renewed because there are other people on the list waiting for them.

So I'm speed reading White Heat by Cherry Adair, hoping I can get it finished by this weekend. So then I can devour High Noon by Nora Roberts next week.


On the South Beach front, I've weathered FIVE DAYS on this shitty diet. FIVE. I'm craving stupid crap tonight: Fun Dip. Pop Rocks. Pina Coladas. Raw sugar cubes. Sugar-flavored dog shit. Sugar sugar sugar.

I turned down a cheap dinner at
L&N Wine Bar and Bistro because I knew the sexy allure of Cabernet would be too difficult to avoid. I'm rather proud of the restraint I've showed...

Back to reading. You people leave me alone now.





* I'd resorted to reading the back of the Lysol spray when I'm using the loo. Oh, please. Like you don't take books in there when you're at home, too. Doesn't matter if they're library books or not...

Got this in an e-mail this morning...

Book Report

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton:..... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:.... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Showing Great Restraint.

I've just been flamed on a message board for the very first time. And to think I thought it was a diet support forum. Instead, I've been told my job (covering the foodservice industry) is killing me, I'm on drugs, I'm lazy, I won't succeed, I'm using my work as an excuse to not diet –– and that's all from one guy. He's a real prize, that one.

Every time I try to drop it, he tries to BAIT me. WTF do these types of people DO all day? With 8,000+ posts, I'd say not much.

And I bet he goes home alone every night. *tsk* I wonder why ...

Bottom Line ...

If you ain't goin', u r a loser. Bill and I are seeing it in Director's Hall 3-D.

I even have my Quidditch shirt on today.

Day 2 on South Beach has been completed...

with 100% compliance.

Breakfast: Two scrambled eggs with two slices of turky bacon. (Made the office smell REALLLLY good. And I didn't share.)

Snack: Low-fat mozz. string cheese stick with 2 tbs. hummus (hummus is store-bought, so I don't know if it's OK, or not, but I ate it anyway since it's on the approved food list)

Lunch: 3 oz. ahi tuna steak (leftovers. Yeah, I know. But I can pretend it's fresh), salad with sugar-free bacon dressing.

Snack: wedge of low-fat cheddar topped with 1 oz. sliced turkey and mustard; 1 tbsp. peanut butter

Dinner: 5 oz. lean pork tenderloin, low-fat cottage cheese, tomatoes and a dessert concoction of 1 sugar-free fudge pop, melted, mixed with 2 tbsp. sugar-free Cool-Whip and 1 tbsp. peanut butter. (So yum, BTW.)

Snack: wedge of low-fat cheddar topped with 1 oz. sliced turkey and mustard; One wedge of Laughing Cow Light Cheese atop cucumber slices; 1 bottle of Diet Ale-8-One.

I reeeeaaaallly want wine. Wine. I'm whining for wine. Big Brother is not the same without Cabernet.

If you're gonna make out ...

in the Big Brother 8 house, and you have a live-in boyfriend, don't expect to come home to a whole lotta lovin'.

Yes, Danielle, I'm talking to you. You're so busted, dumbass. Do you think those cameras in the corners of the rooms are for looks, sweetheart? Hmm? Like that pretty red light on them? Yeah, um, well, I don't think you're going to like them too much when you go home.

Day 1 on South Beach has been completed...

...with 100% compliance.

For breakfast, I had scrambled eggs with spinach and onion.

Lunch was a grilled buffalo chicken salad (yum) with a sugar-free Jello-O cup (freakin' nasty).

For a snack, I had two small slices of cheddar cheese wrapped in turkey and a tablespoon of peanut butter.

Dinner was the highlight of my day: Ahi tuna steaks, steamed green beans, broiled tomatoes topped with cheddar topping, cottage cheese and a green salad. We spread Laughing Cow cheese wedges on cucumber slices as an appetizer. Then I fixed some dessert I read in the SB book that included ricotta cheese, Splenda, cocoa powder, vanilla extract and five mini chocolate chips.

Even if Bill wasn't impressed with the meal, I was. Yay, me.

And the award for biggest a-holes of the day ...

...goes to anyone shopping in Kroger between 4:32 and 5:07 p.m. You guys suck.



(Thanks for not telling me my fly was down. Real nice, people. Where's the love?)

Cat fight.

So Clay Aiken and a chick got into a "spat" on a Continental flight to Tulsa. Apparently he'd been resting his foot on her armrest. I admit -- I've done it, too. Which brings me to the following two conclusions:

1) Midwestern girls are not afraid to take on guys. This was set forth in "Footloose" when Ariel Moore (played by Lori Singer) took on Chuck Cranston (Jim Youngs) behind the bleachers. Of course, she got her ass whooped, but you had to give her points for trying.

2) Clay Aiken was flying coach. Because if he had been flying first class, there's no way those itty-bitty legs could REACH the seat in front of him.

Read it for yourself HERE.

Lessons Learned.

Last night, I dreamed I was a principal dancer for the American Ballet Theatre and I was dancing my last performance. As I neared the end the male lead bent me over the faux table as part of the choreography and moved to kiss me. Except it wasn't the dancer -- it was Peter Gallagher from The O.C.



He kissed me (it was goooood), then whispered in my ear: "I want my wife back."

I took my final bow, and ran off stage. I won't bore you with the rest of the details, but it involved Billy Joel, Liza Minelli and Chester Cheetah from those Cheetos commercials.



So the moral of the story is NOT to eat that last piece of pizza right before going to bed. Just walk away.

I always wondered...

...who actually eats lunch at Target. Y'know -- at that little cafe with Starbucks. I mean, there are no less than 8 fast-food restaurants within 100 yards from the place. WHO actually buys those bags of stale-looking popcorn and convenience-store hot dogs?

Now I know the answer. BooBerry and I do.

BooBerry got invited to a birthday party today and we needed a superfast gift (yay, Target clearance). It was 12:40 p.m. when we got there; I threw a few things into the cart and Bella said she wanted a Lunchables for lunch. We paid and were on our way out.

Since there was a Starbucks in-house, I wanted an iced coffee. Then she wanted a Icee, and I figured why not -- the sugar would keep her hopped up and less-than-cranky since she hasn't had her nap.

So while we were already in the cafe area, I saw Buffalo Chicken Personal Pan Pizzas at the Pizza Hut area (I'd roll in buffalo sauce and lick myself clean. I heart it that much.); I figured what the hell -- since we were already there, I'd let her eat her Lunchables and I got me a pizza.

One sip into her Icee, she promptly fell off her chair, launching her frozen concoction of goodness halfway across the cafe (seriously. It was like it was in slow-mo. I had two choices -- save her from toppling sideways off the chair onto the floor or saving the Icee which was now soaring into the air like a football).

So the Icee CRASHED on the floor and burst, oozing Cherry Icee all over the floor, setting off a crying jag from BooBerry, who'd only had one taste of it. Meanwhile, my pizza was getting cold.

So, many thanks to the little old lady in Starbucks who brought us another cup. Um, we bought a medium Icee, but the small was much appreciated anyway since BooBerry announced halfway through the meal that she didn't really like it.

And, the pizza sucked. Just in case you were wondering.

I hate you, BB8 live feeds.

I've seen approximately three minutes of the live feeds all day. Arrrggghhh!!!!!!

The Power of Veto comp is apparently going on and the feeds have been in and out all day.

Which just proves how much I need to get a life.

For Better or For Worse ...

So I'm a big fan of the comic strip "For Better or For Worse." The strip follows The Patterson family, who live in Canada, and is inked by Lynn Johnston.

So for years, we've watched character Elizabeth Patterson grow up, go to college and eventually become a teacher.

Her evolution has included several heartbreaks, and beaus have come and gone. Two cheated on her, and the rest have fizzled.

Now, Johnston has reintroduced an old high school boyfriend, Anthony Caine.



He's always carried a torch for Liz, even throughout his now-failed marriage. He even asked her to "wait" for him while he was still married. His wife, Therése, was always jealous of his past relationships (and apparently rightly so). She eventually left him a single dad raising a daughter. Ugh.

WIth all that said -- Lynn, did you really have to get them back together? I mean, I know ya shaved off his creepy moustache and cut his hair (both of which made him look like a child molester driving around a dingy ice cream truck with a sound system that blares "Jingle Bells" in August), but couldn't we have had somebody new?

Such is the case when you're retiring, I guess. Gotta wrap things up real quick.

I know, I know -- I refuse to watch soap operas and this is basically the same thing. But at least this is art.

My kind of dolphin.

BooBerry will flip when she sees this. Dolphins (and horses, of course) are one of her favs:



A boat captain spotted a rare albino dolphin in Calcasieu Lake, an estuary just north of the Gulf of Mexico in southwestern Louisiana, according to FoxNews.

I have images of BooBerry acting like Veruca Salt in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory": "Daddy, I want an albino dolphin! I want an albino dolphin NOW!"

First Impressions are a Bitch.

So basically, I'm just counting down the hours today until my guilty summer pleasure -- Big Brother 8.

This year's crop of hamster Houseguests are a motley crew of twenty-somethings with the requisite old guy (who's 44. Wow. Get the Alzheimer's meds and walking stick, yeah?).


"Old guy" Dick

There's one black girl (um, diversity? Hellooo?) and she's reminds me soooo much of a girl named Danielle I went to school with. They could be sisters. She's gorgeous:


Jameka

There's this guy, who's hotness but looks like trouble. He was obviously cast for his likness to past player Dr. Will Kirby:


Mike

There's this girl, who I hate on principle. Send this skinny Yvette-wannabe some Ho-Hos, some fried chicken and a pint of Ben & Jerry's, please:


Jen

Finally, we have this poor woman, who looks like she'll be eaten alive first week:


Kail

The twist this year is that there's one houseguest who has to do America's bidding -- be it hit on another houseguest, vote against someone they normally wouldn't, etc. There are also "frenemies" -- people who are coming into the house with the last person on Earth they want to see. (I'd have two of them. One grudge goes back to the fifth grade. I know I should let it go. But she had a horse and had her birthday party at Lakeside Hoity-Toity Swim Club. Well, laa dee daa. Too bad your Daddy is now in federal prison for taking bribes when he served as a judge here. )

I admit I bought the SuperPass that allows me 24/7 access to the house's four cameras. I love living vicariously through other people.

It starts at 8 p.m. tonight. Let me know what y'all think. I miss Janelle already.

BooBerry is obsessed with ...

the song, "Popular" from Wicked. So, yay, for her acceptance of musical theater (damn you, voice. I should TOTALLY be in RENT right now), but, um, I'm not sure this is the best song for her to adore. She's been going around her pre-K class singing:

POPULAR! you're gonna be popular!
I'll teach you the propper ploys,
when you talk to boys,
little ways to flirt and flounce, ooh!
I'll show you what shoes to wear!
how to fix your hair!
Everthing that really counts to be...
POPULAR!


But, well, she is my child...

(Google Wicked + Popular + lyrics. It's an adorable song.)

An open letter to the people on Taylorsville Road.

Dear drivers on Taylorsville Road:

I'm deeply sorry for almost causing a four-car wreck this morning. That large semi that turned in front of me obscured my view of the traffic light. After it turned, I realized the sun was hitting the turn light and I couldn't tell if it was red or green. You guys weren't going, so I assumed it was green.

My bad.

I just wanted my Starbucks latte. I realize now that a latte is not worth dying for.

My sincerest apologies,

MD

"Do you drink wine every day? Like, with your meals?"

... asked a neighbor this evening.

Apparently my breath gave me away. So I said, "Yes. Yes, I do."

No sense in denying the obvious. Jeesh.


On TONIGHT: Hell's Kitchen.

There are no words for what just happened...

...at Kroger this evening.

BooBerry and I stopped in for some tuna steaks, onion, buns, Smart Water (hi, Jennifer Aniston. I drink your water.) and green peppers. On our way out of the store, I'd promised BooBerry she could have a go at the fire engine and horsey rides as we left.

So as she's riding the fire engine, the electric doors slide open and this haggard ol' woman sticks her head in.

She sees me there, and says, "If I watch your little girl, will you run in and see if I left my checkbook at the counter?" (The counter was, of course, out of eyesight, I had a cartload of groceries and BooBerry was riding the horsey.)

Okaaaay. Puzzled, I shook my head no and asked, "Why can't you run in?"

She holds up ... a cigarette. (Meaning she can't enter the store.)

Okay. Here's problem #1) You want ME to leave MY child to the care of a complete stranger to go inside and #2) run an errand for you that CLEARLY you have two good legs that allow you to complete.

Which brings me to #3) PUT OUT THE EFFING CIGARETTE IF IT'S SO DAMNED IMPORTANT TO YOU! Apparently your nicotine fit was way more important than someone stealing your checkbook and spending assloads of YOUR money at Liquor Barn, Wal-Mart and God knows where else.

I said, "No I'm really not comfortable with that" and snatched a startled BooBerry off the horse and we sprinted to the car.

Even in the tobacco capital of the country, that really puts a whole new meaning to the phrase, "You need to get your priorities straight."