Scenes from a Hoe-Down.

Howdy, partners. Bill's on a plane coming in from the West Coast, so Boo and I headed to her elementary school's annual Hoe-Down PTA fundraiser. In case you ever wondered what a Hoe-Down looks like, here are some scenes:

Jumpy thingy.

Slidey thingy.

Navigating the cake walk. She didn't win, but she didn't know it.
In fact, she really didn't get the whole cakewalk thing. She looks pretty nervous.

I am exhausted. Plus, I spilled baked beans down my gingham shirt and my feet and back hurt from wearing my fabulous brown and turquoise boots.

(And yes, I wore a hat. It was a REAL cowboy hat. Not those pieces of shit from Target. I spent two years + two summers in college working in a real live Western store. Good times.)

Just one more, Mom.

I told my mom I'd lay off the LOLcats, but seriously. You know you LOLed at this one.

Since I'm having a bad blog week ...

I blatantly stole this from SUZANNE:

Crazy Eights!

8 Things I’m passionate about:
1. My family
2. My iPod
3. Books
4. Walt Disney World
5. My new nephew, Conor
6. Big Brother 9 (best season since Season 5: Whattup, Kaysarrrrrr?)
7. MIKA
8. Anything UGGS. I'm a lemming. Albeit a late lemming. But, hey. I'm Kentucky. We're behind a LOT.

8 Things I want to do before I die:
1. Stay in a castle in Scotland
2. Second child
3. Go-deep sea fishing
4. Visit Napa Valley
5. Get a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
6. Freelance (I'm too lazy)
7. Get on "Wheel of Fortune." Would totally kick ass.
8. See a ghost (watch too much Ghost Hunters!)

8 Things I often say:
1. Shit the fuck.
2. OMG.
3. Totally.
4. Seriously. Seriously. (God, I'm such a Valley girl)
5. "Shut up. You are such a liar." (Usually applies to Keown.)
6. "I'm going to put my foot up your ass." (Usually applies to Bill.)
7. Chicken nugget! (Applies to Bella)
8. nuh-uh

8 Books I’ve recently or currently reading:
1. Beauty by Robin McKinley. My very favorite book, ever. I think I've read it 20 times. It's a retelling of Beauty and the Beast.
2. Water for Elephants. One of the best books I've ever read. Both disturbing and beautiful. Amazing for a debut novelist.
3. Candy Girl by Diable Cody. My New Year's resolution last year was to read more non-fiction. This account of a stripper in Minneapolis didn't fail. And she won a FRIGGIN' OSCAR for her screenplay, JUNO.
4. Marley and Me. I have never laughed so hard or cried so hard or read so many passages aloud. LOVED it.
5. CURRENTLY READING: Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
6. CURRENTLY READING: Murder Game by Beverley Barton
7. ON THE DOCKET: Kingdom Keepers by Ridley Pearson
8. JUST IN FROM THE LIBRARY: Killing Fear by Allison Brennan (need to go pick it up, actually...)

8 Songs I could listen to over and over:
1. "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira. I hit my first 300 on Wii Bowling to this song. Holds a special place in my heart since it brought me to my knees.
2. "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush. I dunno. Just like it.
3. "Wake Up Call" by Maroon 5. Always catchy.
5. "Walkin' in Memphis" by Marc Cohn Favorite song, ever.
6. "I Don't Want to Be" by Gavin DeGraw.
7. "Jessie's Girl" by Rick Springfield. Takes me back to the sorority house (even though it was old back then!).
8. "Brown Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison. Fun fun fun.

(Suzanne, I'm changing your last category...)

8 Foodstuffs I Can't Get Enough Of:
1. Jelly Belly jelly beans
2. Baked Cheetos
3. Taco soup (my grandma's recipe)
4. Chocolate cake w/ chocolate icing
5. Samoa
6. Wine
7. Buffalo chicken
8. Starbucks lattes

Well, shit the fuck. +79460893

I cannot wrap my brain around tonight's episode of Lost. PLUS, if Desmond dies, there will be a serious lack of hotties on the island. I hate this show. I hate this fucking show. What the QuantumfuckingLeap...

Seriously. Can't it be like "Men in Trees?" Or even "Gossip Girl"? At least I know what I'm getting there. Jeezus. I cried like a friggin' baby...

Why haven't I heard of them?

A friend just told me about this band and I love them! Just realized I've heard one of their songs on my slammin' new Sirius radio. So I'm branching out beyond Top 40s. I'm so proud...

The Silence of the Peeps.

I'm sitting here at my desk with a small box of marshmallow Peeps in my desk. Since I've been on Weight Watchers (down 5.8 thankyouverymuch), I've been trying to track all my intake.

Well, 5 peeps = 3 Weight Watcher points. 3 points = 1 glass of wine. I'd rather drink the wine, but I'm at work and the peeps were sitting here bitch-slapping me in the face and calling me a dirty whore.

So I ate them to shut them up.

For once, a serious post.

There are times when we look back on our lives and think about "what could have been ..." I imagine I'll be doing that in the future, and it'll be this time in my life that I'll be thinking about.

I never thought infertility could happen to me. After all, I've had a child –– actually got pregnant the very first month (second try!). So imagine my frustration and discord and watching nearly two years go by with nary a fertilized egg.

We officially began trying in June 2006. That was a great summer. We went to the beach with our friends and neighbors, BooBerry turned three ... life was good. We weren't serious about it –– after all, we just knew it would happen the first month or two.

Fast forward a year. Stress had finally begun to take its toll. Every day we weren't pregnant was a day BooBerry grew older and, in essence, further away from her potential sibling. Bill's sister is 11 years older than him; they're not close, mainly because she left for college when he was 7 and rarely came home. Now she lives up North; time and distance have taken their toll.

My doctor put me on Clomid last summer, and I took it for 8 months. It was absolutely awful. I had violent mood swings, night terrors, hot flashes... it was enough to make me wonder if that baby was really worth it. I took myself off Clomid last month, and things have gotten better. My skin doesn't feel like it's on too tight; I don't cry at the drop of a hat.

But still, no baby.

Today, my OBGYN is taking the last step before we're officially written off as infertile and sent to infertility specialists. I get the pleasure of enduring a hysterosalpingogram and from everything I've read (bad mistake #1), it would be less painful to swallow -- and pass -- broken glass. That should be sometime next week, so expect a whiny rant about my painful ovaries (sorry, boys).

FAIL.

The ONE category I cared about ... and the THREE songs that "Enchanted" was nominated for all lost. Fucking asshole voters. "That's How You Know" is classic Disney. I'm still pissed...

German Style

We're eating at Biergarten when in Walt Disney World next month. Found this fabulous editorial on the Germany pavilion in Epcot:

MY DREAM IS ON eBAY!

I've always said that if I were a Make-a-Wish kid, my dream would NOT be to meet Michael Jordan or go to Walt Disney World. It would be to sing on Broadway in RENT. Well guess WTF is up FOR AUCTION ON eBAY? A walk-on role in RENT! OMG! I mean, really! OMG! Are you serious? If Bill loved me, he would totally bid on this for me for my St. Amanda's Day* gift...

I can't believe it. I just can't. *insert single tear here*


* Also known as my birthday. It is an event.

Wait, what?

This is a dress? Seriously? Apparently
ERIN FETHERSTON for TARGET thinks so. Which probably explains why this Britney-Spears-on-a-Good-Day dress is on clearance* for $12.49.



* *Sneer.*

For me, because I'm worth it.

Here are the Ugg flip-flops I bought today. See? See the fur that makes my feet smile?

Aren't they adorable?


(BTW: I just spent two hours following Bill around Dillards while he shopped for shirts and dark jeans.

He bought a HOT Ralph Lauren blazer and a pair of distressed jeans and I am jealous. But my new flip-flops make up for it.)

NOTE TO SELF:

Put electronic voice recorder used for work in the HOLD position if I'm going to carry it in my bag.

The nearly two-hour accidental recording I just found of a phone conversation I had with my best friend? Yeaaaah... not pretty. I? Am a bitch.

Icy cool.

Yesterday, we were buried under a 1/2-inch of ice and freezing rain. Of course, I woke up an hour late this morning, but luckily the roads were just slushy by the time I headed in to work.

A big day of FAIL.

Woke up to a 59-degree house. The (three-year-old) furnace was out this morning. So Bill stayed home and called a repair guy while I went to my 8:15 a.m. asthma doctor appointment.

I was the first appt. of the day. Sat in the empty waiting room for 30 minutes. Got called back, put in a room and waited again. The door opens ... and it's a 4th year med student. WTF? Where the fuck is the real doctor? Sat with him poking at me for 5 minutes, then he said the doctor would be in. 10 minutes later, the doctor finally arrives -- at 9:08 a.m. -- opening the door with a FLOURISH that would make Carson Kressley blush. I'd been there almost an hour at this point, so the glitter and glam was completely wasted on me.

Leave the doctor, get my reward latte (my reward for going to any doctor is a latte) and head in to work. Get there at 9:45 a.m. 15 min. later, my mom calls and says they're dismissing school at 11:20 for the impending ice storm that I knew nothing about because I live under a rock and was watching American Idol on DVR instead of the nightly news last night. At this point, you have GOT to be kidding me. So I get my lunch back out of the fridge, get BACK in the car and head to school.

All of a sudden, I hear a DING DING DING and I look down and I am COMPLETELY out of gas. I'm on the fucking interstate, passing an exit with NO gas stations. My little indicator thingy that tells me how many miles I have left until I need gas? Yeah, it says - - - and is blinking. I panic and slide down the ramp and go about a mile to the nearest Thornton's. Spend $46.66 on gas, then head for the school.

Pick Boo up, car's sliding around a bit and finally, finally make it home. My co-worker called to say they'd closed the office. So I basically went down there for a half-hour for nothing.




Oh, and I'd left the bright yellow size sticker on my new jeans I bought last night. So I totally wore that at the doctor's office and at work. Excellent.

BooBerry Sez...

Quotes from BooBerry during the 30 minutes we were in the supermarket last night:

BOO (setting, in the bathroom because, of course, we have to check out every bathroom in Jefferson County): Mommy, just calm down.

ME: Boo, I am calm why do you want me to calm down?

BOO: So you don't freak out. Because sometimes you freak out, Mommy.

********************************

BOO: Mommy, can I have candy corns?

ME: No, you cannot have candy corn. You got popsicles.

BOO: But, mooooommy, you always let me have candy corns.

ME: Since when?

BOO: Since never. But you can start...

********************************

ME: Boo, we need to go get some hard salami.

BOO: YAY! Hard salami is so awesome!

********************************

CASHIER: You sure are pretty with your blond hair and big blue eyes!

BOO (irritated; she hears this a lot): I know.


Kids? Good times. (And apparently we need to work on humility...) I should have written down what she said because I laughed throughout the entire shopping run.

My morning was exactly like this.

I ran out of English muffins and swiped some of Bella's Barbie cereal. (Don't hate. It's some tasty stuff.) When I took the first bite, this happened:

My New Movie Boyfriend (and this one is straight).

Bella and I watched "Sky High" on the Disney Channel yesterday -- I'm old enough to be his ... big sister but I'm crushin' hard on Steven Strait.

Old Skool.

Bill got me Sirius satellite radio for my car for Christmas. It has opened my eyes to music beyond the top 40 hits. For instance, THE PULSE, which plays 90s and today, went all old skool on me this morning, forcing me to dance and sing in my car, prompting looks from other drivers*:

Some Linkin Park song I didn't know.

I would have preferred "Men in Black,"
but, yeah, I got jiggy in the Tucson this morning.

This man who needs no introduction. I had to call Josh this morning so he could see how hot Sirius radio can be. I had flames bursting our of the Tucson. (Mark my words -- he'll be in a VH1 reality show sometime soon.) [ETA: Josh just told me he has been in a VH1 reality show. Apparently I missed that.]

The Proclaimers' "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)."
Oh, shit I forgot how fun this song was.
I think it was in "Benny and Joon," wasn't it?

I also programmed a channel I liked into my presets and found out it was a Canadian top 40s channel. So apparently I dig Canadian pop. Eh?



* WTF are you looking at, lady? You're in a gray baggy sweatshirt and have your hair in a dirty ponytail. You got bigger concerns than my off-key singing and white-girl car moves.

Ah, rush.

How well I remember sorority rush. Three hours of sitting on the floor carrying on uncomfortable conversations hoping your lipstick isn't on your teeth and wondering how you're going to get that term paper done. Good times. And having 400 people traipse through my room in the house? Oh yeah, let me sign up for that right now. I did anything and everything to get out of it. I think I would have given myself mono if I could just to avoid it. So Jen Lancaster's post about sorority rush HERE made me just about wet my pants because she is totally right.

And yes, I'm still friends with several of my sisters. Three of them were in my wedding.

Laurie Berkner...

...makes me want to claw my eyeballs out. I know the kiddies love her, but I'd rather listen to Fran Drescher sing. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Idol is the BANE of the music world.

OK, some kid named Josiah introduced my curly-haired luv MIKA to the American audience (and, seriously, if you're living in a car and auditioning for American Idol you got mad skilz, boy).

I don't know why, but I've loved Mika for a while and to see people Googling/Youtubing/iTunsing Mika just for AI makes me slghtly ill. Like the time Alexis* told this kid named Raf that I liked-him/liked-him instead of just liked-him in the fifth grade. But I'm over it**.

* Her daddy's in jail for tax evasion or fraud or something. Fucking bitch. NOW who has their birthday party at the local swim club, hmmmm?

** No.

LOLcat of the Day.

moar humorous pics

Hey, Death, got a quarter?

Last night while visiting my new nephew, Conor, we were shooed out of the room so the nurses could check my sister-in-law*. We walked down to the nursery to gaze at the 8 lb. perfection through the glass (where, BTW, there was a 9 lb., 15 oz. chunk who looked like he was ready to play football for Trinity High School).

As my brother, his best friend, Tony, and his best friend's wife, Kelly, were standing there joking and laughing at the babies, a nurse wheeled through a man headed for pallative care. He had his head thrown back, his mouth agape** and a blank stare on his face. He was followed by a sobbing woman who was obviously his daughter and her somber husband.

OK, total buzz kill.

My group got very quiet and stared down at the floor as they wheeled him around the corner toward pallative care; basically he was on his way to die***.

Now, I'm not sure what hospital administrator's bright idea it was to put PALLATIVE CARE next to the MOTHER/BABY WARD, but that person really should rethink his or her career choice. It was the epitome of piss-poor planning.

(Also located next to pallative care was the sleep disorder clinic. Kelly and I like to believe the old man just needed some help with his sleep apnea. Yeah, that has to be it.)


* BTW, the quote of the day? My brother standing there looking at his baby son and (jokingly) saying to the nurses, "It's amazing what you can do in the backseat of a car..."

** Trying to steal the babies' souls?

*** I'd left my purse in the room, and I really really needed a soda, so I should've asked the Grim Reaper for that extra quarter I needed for the vending machine, but he was obviously busy helping this old man into the light.

He's Here!

Welcome, Conor James!

My new nephew was born at 10:03 p.m, and weighs 8 lbs., 3 oz. He's GORGEOUS.

Toldja.

OH HELL YEAH.

OK, fine.

So Bill IMs me and says that a girl he works with thinks I should update my blog more. If by "more" she means 2+ posts per day, I'm going to have a hard time with that because it will seriously cut into my online shopping time* which already cuts into my computer chess** time which cuts into my article procrastination.



* See also: Surfing TMZ, making LOLcats and reading Perez Hilton.
** Fucking cheater.

Ninja kitteh.

Who, me? No, I've been laying here the whole time...

So Callie has been trying to escape the house Shawshank-style every time the door opens. Monday, BooBerry and I opened the door briefly to look at the snow. Twenty minutes later, Boo went to look out the windows, and she yelled, "Mommy! Callie! Callie's outside!"

Stupid cat had apparently Houdinied past our legs and somehow made it to the front porch where she partied in 20-degree weather and three inches of snows until Boo noticed her. Short of electric shock, I don't know what to do to get her to realize that being a house cat DOES NOT SUCK. Not even close.

My new nephew is on the way!

Can't wait to hold him!!

You know that panicky feeling ...

... when you think you're going to die? Yeah, I had that about 8 times this morning. The roads suck.

HOLY SHIT. I completely forgot!

What's the matter with me? I've been so used to having the television turned OFF that I completely forgot that summer's biggest show is making an early debut (ONE good thing to come out of the writer's strike). Big Brother 9 premieres on CBS tonight!

I haven't even looked at the previews yet, but this group of hamsters seems to be a homely bunch. More like ferrets, judging by the cast photos. And they're all twenty-somethings except for one 45-year-old cougar. Meow.

Snowed In!

Yeah, I'm stuck at home today with a bored, cranky 41/2-year-old. Good times. We've watched every Scooby Doo on the DVR, and most of the Spongebobs. Luckily, I had the foresight yesterday to rent a couple of movies from the REDBOX at little Wal-Mart. I was able to get 10 articles edited and am about to start some research for my own article.

And wouldn't you know it, I've seen this episode of "The People's Court."

LOLcat of the Day.

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE!!!!!!!!

At least according to the local weather forecasters. I know they don't get a whole lotta play, but DAMN.

They make it seem like the 1-8 inches we're supposedly going to get is acid snow and we're all gonna die.

I bet all the milk and bread are already gone from store shelves.

What do I have to do ...

... to get Cingular to cancel my old cellphone account? I called today and the customer service lady went through about 25 spiels with me saying "No, just close the account, please. No just close the account, please."

In the time it took her to rattle off all the reasons why Cingular DOESN'T suck, I could have knitted her a sweater that says ...


... you guessed it: "Close the fucking account."

LOLcat of the Day.

I wish ...

I had something exciting to write about. Alas, Bill's playing World of Warcraft, BooBerry's watching "LazyTown" (WTF with this whacked out Icelandic show? I Googled it, and the girl who plays 8-year-old Stephanie is 16! And Robbie Rotten looks JUST LIKE BILL'S BROTHER.)



and I'm messing around on the computer. Bo-ring.

I CAN SUM UP MY TRIP TO WEST PALM BEACH ...

... in 10 wacked out statements:

10. HOT.

9. Sunburned.

8. Watched some dude named Randy CATCH A FUCKING SHARK FROM THE SHORE. Sucker was big, too. Randy's frat brothers smacked him on the ass as a crowd of onlookers cheered. All this was seen from my balcony.

7. With all the fine dining establishments in Palm Beach, Josh and I ate at this tiny little dive pub at the recommendation of the bartender at our hotel. And lo, it was awesomeness.

6. Watched some guy named Keith put away four gin & tonics and three gin martinis in the hour Josh and I were having dinner. We could not keep up with The Keith.

5. Room service is good. But one should probably complain that the yogurt she ordered was THREE DAYS OUT OF DATE. And it was probably, like, $25.

4. Saw a big ol' crab on the beach. Poked it with a stick. Think it was dead.

3. If you see a store simply called "Liquors," it still gets the job done.

2. A GPS unit is a MUST. Ours is named Patty, and if she were a live chick, I would totally do her because she is HOT.

1. Didn't see Donald Trump, but DID see a transvestite hooker. Working the street at 10:15 a.m.

LOlcat of the Day.

Tomorrow.

While it is cold and raining here here, this is where I'll be:



Palm Beach. The land of the filthy rich who carry small dogs in their purses, wear Lily Pulitzer and Lacoste and smoke foul smelling cigars.

Oh, sure, it's a work trip for YESH and I, but for 48 hours, I'll feel the sun and sand, get to see my pedicure in something other than Uggs or socks and will sleep with my balcony door open.

And yeah, I'm totally rubbing it in.

Uhhhhhh......

I'm scratching my head a little at this one...

LOLcat of the Day.

moar funny pictures

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BILL!

PICTURE REMOVED BECAUSE
BILL DOESN'T LIKE IT. BAH.

Here's my favorite picture of Bill holding the ham we had last year for Father's Day. Many thanks to JOSH for the festive birthday touch.

Am I Un-American?

For not watching the Super Bowl?

And instead, eating at the Chinese buffet to celebrate Bill's birthday? (Even the Chinese servers were watching it on the flat panel.)


And then coming home and finishing up the book I was reading, without even turning on the TV?

And when the book was done, turning the TV on and watching "Legally Blonde" on Comedy Central?


Yep. That's me. Little Miss Un-American. Pass the crab rangoon, please and STFU about the Super Bowl.

More irony.

Walked into Von Maur today and they had an entire table. FULL. OF. MY. FUCKING. UGGS.

I'm a swat team, looking for my 'in.'

Bill's snoring on the couch. He has the remote snugly tucked to his chest, and he's tearin' it up. Loudly. I heart him but I do not want to wake him long enough to get the remote to turn off "Orangutan Island" on Animal Planet ...

Dear. GOD. Make. It. Stawp...

"It's not you. It's me."

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately -- my laptop at home is on the fritz. Again. (BTW, doesn't the word "Fritz" bring to mind some hottie Nordic ski instructor you meet on vaca but never get up the nerve to talk to? Not that that's ever happened to me*.)

Like this guy, y' know, except not gay.

I've started walking on the treadmill downstairs now that Bill has hooked the tv down there to satellite. "Lost" is definitely the BEST show to get lost in while you're attempting to burn calories (and, seriously, 40 minutes on a treadmill for, what, 230 calories? Pfft.) Still, I can't help but feel exercise is OVERRATED when I step on the scale after walking 2.5 miles the night before to find the needle UP. Not. Fucking. Fair.


Also, Callie? Has been in heat. WTF? We had her fixed in November! Apparently, she was going into heat when we had her spayed (we didn't know! She was, like, Jaime Lynn Spears young. A baby!). The vet said this could be A) leftover hormones or B) a piece of something that got left in. Nevertheless, it has been horrible. At first, we thought she was hurt; later, we realized (thank you, Google) that the poor thing was just lookin' for some sweet lovin' down by the fire. If I even spoke her name, she presented. Yikes. (And don't Google how to soothe a cat in heat. There's nothing "soothing" about it.)

So that's Mandyland's Week in Review. I leave you with these photos I received in an e-mail from my sorority sister, Sara. They might've been around for a while, but they bring new meaning to the phrase "right place at the right time."

What I wanted to do to Callie all week...

Replace the boat with World of Warcraft,
and that's what I'd do to Bill.

Check out the guy in the background.
Think he's checking to make sure it's still there. Yep. It is.

WTF? Was he four-wheelin'
on the way home from Home Depot?

Somebody doesn't like his new step-mommy.

* No, really. It hasn't.

LOLcat of the Day.