Today is not my day.

It started off bad when I woke up slightly late and realized it was WATERPARK day for Boo's school, which meant hunting all over the house for a clean towel, swimsuit, goggles, sunscreen –– and where the HELL are those swim shoes.

I rolled out of the garage 10 minutes late –– and got about 5 miles from home when I realized I'd forgotten a very necessary box of ladies' items in the bathroom.

That prompted an emergency stop at Walgreen's (no, Bill, I don't know how that Webkinz jumped into my bag. That seems to happen a lot to me. Doesn't it happen to you, too? No? Hmm... that's weird.). As I was cruising down Bardstown Road, I nearly came to a halt when I realized that I'd left my library book on the back of Bill's bumper. I'd planned on reading outside last night and ended up talking to the neighbors instead.

So I frantically attempted to reach my husband via cellphone but he was dropping Boo off and didn't get the call. He called me back and said he hadn't seen my book when he put her in the car this morning, but he ran back home and sure enough, it was in the middle of the street -- luckily unscathed.

I just got a call from a reader disputing something we published in the magazine more than a year ago and he wanted us to print a retraction. Step off, sweet cheeks. It ain't gonna happen.

Also, here are some truly random WTF? images when I googled "Today is not my day":

If you look closely, there is a man behind this cow.
And whatever he's doing back there cannot be good.

No, really. It totally does. You don't get it, either?

Wanna know what it must be like to have a
chance with this woman? Yeah, so does he.

I had a dream about this guy once. He made me lay on a couch and tell him all my secrets and then he went online and published them all on something called a blog. And then he had sex with the cow above. It was not a good dream.

I'm so gonna rock this one out at the 9One HOT HOT JAPAN HOT ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY PARTY this weekend. Watch me.

Indeed, fellas. Whip it real good.