Um.

SOCKS? Do not go with sandals. EVER.

So sayeth me in the mall this afternoon. I should print up business cards and surreptitiously slip them into handbags and pockets as needed.

Boo's portrait sitting!!

In case you don't read Comments sections.

Here's a gem from one of Bill's co-workers about Boo's trip to the office yesterday:

"Bella had me draw a prince and princess on the dry erase board in the conference room where the kids were playing Wii. She told me to write "Do not erase" by it and add "immediably because sometimes people don't read words." By which she meant, of course, add some exclamation points.

I asked if she wanted me to write "Property of Bella". She said, "YES!.....What's 'property of' mean?" She then took the eraser and hid it behind the video unit and pushed chairs all around it so no one could see it because, as she said, "They might have a meeting in here and need this board."

So Mandy and Bill, if you've inexplicably lost something around the house, you might want to ask Miss B. She's a doll and one of a kind!"

Oh. Wow. She totally gets that from her dad, editorgb. (insert innocent whistling smilie here.) Thanks for the story!

Boo's difficult choice.

Choice 1: to go on the Belle of Louisville with her summer camp program or

Choice 2: Got to "Bring Your Kid to Work Day" at Bill's office. Now, if your version of Bring Your Kid to Work Day is a vision of NBC's The Office, you're WRONG. They have giveaways and a balloon guy and an animal guy and pizza... it's super fun.

She decided to go to work with Daddy, and got to hold a real snake:

And drink an exciting cup of water, which Bill was compelled to photograph:


And eat pizza:


The following is our conversation about the Jack Hanna-wanna-be above:

BOO: Mommy! I got to hold a snake! A real snake! And it was HUGE! And the animal guy -- he knew my name, Mommy!

ME: He did!?! How did he know your name?

BOO: He sat by me in HIGH SCHOOL!

WTF???

A-Z MEME

A-Z Tag

Here's a really girly MEME but if you're feeling secure in your masculinity, boys, feel free to copy.

Attached or Single: attached
Best Friend: Bill
Cake or Pie: Cake
Day of Choice: Friday night
Essential Item: A book. Can't live without them.
Favorite Color: Yellow. Just makes me feel happy.
Greatest Accomplishment: Booberry
Hometown: Louisville, KY
Indulgences: wine
January or July: January. I hate heat.
Kids: 1: BooBerry
Life is incomplete without: Books, wine, pizza, reality television, my family
Marriage Date: October 6, 2001
Number of Siblings: 1 brother
Oranges or Apples: Apples. I miss them with these dang braces.
Phobias or Fears: tornados; buttons (STFU. It's a real phobia.); spiders
Quotes: "Monica, dear, that was a precious little story. Now, be a sweetheart and fix mommy another martini." -- Mik Wright
Reason to Smile: picking Boo up from school
Season: Fall. Just the right temp for jeans and a hoodie
Tag Five Friends: eh. Tag yourselves.
Unknown Fact About Me: I have my own Webkinz account. Shhh--don't tell Boo.
Very Favorite Store: Trader Joe's
Worst Habit: Short temper
X-ray or Ultrasound: Dumb question, but I'll say x-ray.
Your Favorite Food: Jelly Belly jelly beans
Zodiac Sign: Pisces.

So wrong...

... and yet somehow, so right.

Did you just see that?

Yeah, that was me. Doing a happy dance of joy* in my cubicle, for I just bought tickets to WICKED in Lousiville in January!

Oh, sure, I had to buy tickets for "Mama Mia!" (ABBA music? Who's that?) and "Spring Awakening" (which I actually DO want to see). But the result is FOURTH ROW CENTER for Wicked. Ye haw!!


* It involves the cabbage patch, Arsenio Hall's fist pump and the Roger Rabbit. Got the picture? Great. Read on.

This just in!

We're adorable. Thanks for the pic, Josh.

Ha

Josh and I Saturday night.

more cat pictures

I suck.

Me + Guitar Hero for the Wii = EPIC FAIL.

We finally found and bought a copy today. I played one song and got boo'd off the stage and got my feelings hurt by an imaginary audience and said "F*ck this, man." I'll never play again. Stupid game. I'm going back to Webkinz.

(Also, Bill's inner guitar hero is apparently a black man with a fro who looks like a gay Jimmy Hendrix.)

About last night...

Last night was all about random. Random, as in Bill and I tried out a new sushi place, Hiko-a-mon, and as we're sitting there enjoying sake and salad, in walks Charmed and Dunnski in the flesh. In random sushi restaurant that none of us had ever been to. (Also, Charmed totally wins the Best Hair award for her long blonde locks.) So they joined us for dinner since we were all headed for the HOT HOT JAPAN HOT 9ONE ANNIVERSARY PARTY anyway. (Also, Dunnski and Bill? Like peas 'n carrots.)

So we headed to the 9ONE preparty and met the entire 9ONE gang, and then all headed to random bar, Woody's, for the party. The evening involved yelling over rap music, bad karaoke*, a female truck driver attempting to get anyone to come out and look at her rig (in both the figurative and literal senses -- Charmed, you so missed this is was right after you left. I seriously messed with her. SO FUN.), some random dude trying to mack on me** in front of my husband, and some watered down vodka tonics.


Also, the highlight of the evening had absolutely nothing to do with drunken debauchery or truck drivers. It has to do with this:

HEATED TOILET SEATS. At Hiko-A-Mon, Charmed and I went potty together as girls are oft to do, and we sat down in separate stalls and both went "Oooooooo!" Then we made Bill go into the men's room to see if they had one in there, too but HA! You boys get a COLD SEAT so it sucks to be you!

* Some stupid bitches stole my ONE karaoke song, Summer Nights from "Grease". And Ryan the Intern was going to sing with me.

** Hey. Free drink, though.

Nom.

Today is not my day.

It started off bad when I woke up slightly late and realized it was WATERPARK day for Boo's school, which meant hunting all over the house for a clean towel, swimsuit, goggles, sunscreen –– and where the HELL are those swim shoes.

I rolled out of the garage 10 minutes late –– and got about 5 miles from home when I realized I'd forgotten a very necessary box of ladies' items in the bathroom.

That prompted an emergency stop at Walgreen's (no, Bill, I don't know how that Webkinz jumped into my bag. That seems to happen a lot to me. Doesn't it happen to you, too? No? Hmm... that's weird.). As I was cruising down Bardstown Road, I nearly came to a halt when I realized that I'd left my library book on the back of Bill's bumper. I'd planned on reading outside last night and ended up talking to the neighbors instead.

So I frantically attempted to reach my husband via cellphone but he was dropping Boo off and didn't get the call. He called me back and said he hadn't seen my book when he put her in the car this morning, but he ran back home and sure enough, it was in the middle of the street -- luckily unscathed.

I just got a call from a reader disputing something we published in the magazine more than a year ago and he wanted us to print a retraction. Step off, sweet cheeks. It ain't gonna happen.

Also, here are some truly random WTF? images when I googled "Today is not my day":

If you look closely, there is a man behind this cow.
And whatever he's doing back there cannot be good.

No, really. It totally does. You don't get it, either?

Wanna know what it must be like to have a
chance with this woman? Yeah, so does he.

I had a dream about this guy once. He made me lay on a couch and tell him all my secrets and then he went online and published them all on something called a blog. And then he had sex with the cow above. It was not a good dream.

I'm so gonna rock this one out at the 9One HOT HOT JAPAN HOT ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY PARTY this weekend. Watch me.

Indeed, fellas. Whip it real good.

Callie could do this.

BEVERAGE NIRVANA.

Yeah, the picture is stolen from Amazon. I just put this in my water and it DID NOT taste like liquid ass. 30 calories, 5 g of fiber and 3 g of protein. Holy shit. Beverage nirvana.

Dis is ...

...mah nephew, Conor. He's cool like that.

Guess who's having surgery?

Me! July 22! Boo's 5th birthday! To have my blocked fallopian tube repaired or removed!

Yeah, sucks bad, doesn't it.

It's laproscopic, so I'll only be off my feet for about four days, but I plan to:

1) milk it for all it's worth
2) save up a bunch of Maurys so I can find out who my baby daddy is
3) blow my low-carb diet and order a whole barbecue chicken and bacon 'za from Papa John's for lunch. (What a rebel I am.)

We're going to have Boo's birthday party (she wants a Hawaii theme. WTF?) the weekend before so it'll be knocked out of the water before I'm knocked under.

No matter how you feel on the subject ...

55 years is still 55 years!!

Why You Don't Need Drugs.

This, from my bud Ox, about whether or not he'll be chatting online* tonight with my Disney group, even though he just bombed his house for fleas:

"I'll try but I came into the house to find a lingering fog of Bengal flea bomb hanging throughout the house. I have two unicorns having sex in the den and some gray foxes drinking the beer I just bought. My stomach is also a little upset and my head is light and also heavy."

OMG, OX, and this whole time I thought martinis would take me to the light. I've been wrong the whole time. I understand now, O Great One of the Mist. I shall go forth and partake of the Bengal...

* "Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter."

Today...

...has been full o' busy. I went to work (easiest part of my day) and left at noon (we close our office at 12 on Fridays in the summer*). I dropped my car off at the Hyundai dealership for an oil change and Bill picked me up for lunch. We has some lame sushi at Sakura Blue** and Bill dropped me back off to pick up my car.

After that, I wandered through Big Lots*** where a delightful 12-year-old boy held the door open for both me and a woman with a cart exiting -- I tried to find his mama and tell her she was raising that boy right, but I didn't see them -- and bought a shitload of stuff for 50 bucks.

I then wandered down to Cracker Barrel in search of the retired Webkinz racoon I'd seen there a couple of weeks ago. They were out and I was a bit disappointed, but an industrious employee found one in the back for me. SCORE!

Then it was off to Sam's to see if they had the 6-pk of Chardonnay for $21 that I like, but sadly that deal was short-lived (Prohibition bastards...).

I went to the library and picked up my reserve copy of The House at Riverton, which I don't even remember reserving but apparently I read a review of it somewhere and thought I'd read it. (BTW, Brenda Novak's Trust Me is really good. I'm enjoying the richness of her characters. Damn. I don't usually put that much substance into my posts. Cookie for me for insight.)

Finally ended my rainy afternoon at the bank and at Boo's school, where I picked her up early. I thought she'd be happy to see me, but instead she was pissed that she didn't get to finish her science project (this week's summer camp is Wacky Science Week! And we're all about science! In this house!)

AAAAAAAAAAAnnnd, that's it. Busy afternoon, boring evening. Nothing on TV, so I'm updating my iPod. Good times.












* HA! F*ck off, Courier-Journal.
** Robin Garr, you're wrong. It sucks.
*** Shut up. A bargain is a bargain.

SQUEAL!

"So You Think You Can Dance" Top 20 performing tonight. To bad I've watched every ep every season and I have NO F*CKING CLUE WHO MOST OF THESE DANCERS ARE. Way to go, editors. You've done a great job of selective editing.

You Learn Something New Every Day.

Doodlebug won't eat

OR



but she'll scarf down several pieces of

Well, hell. My dog's a tree hugger.

Fine. Who wants your burnt hamburgers, anyway?

The owners of our building –– who just moved into a pimped out space downstairs complete with flat screen TV and artwork (!!) –– are having an open-house cookout in the parking lot and we're not invited. I hope they choke on that shit.

Gays everywhere should be offended.

While surfing Amazon this morning, a link to the right of the homepage is showcasing "Gay Pride" apparel. I thought to myself, "Wow! How progressive of Amazon!"

So I clinked the LINK to the Pride apparel.

Now, I'm not so sure how the Amazonian big-whigs sitting around a boardroom table came up with some of this shit, but if I were gay*, I would totally be offended. How presumptuous of the company to assume that these clothes are preferred by the gay community (granted, the douchebag community would love many of these pieces, but I digress...).



* Oh, Wentworth. (sigh)

I seriously wish I had something to blog about.

I've been wracking my brain for days, but it seems I'm plum out of ideas as of late.

We had chicken for dinner. I dipped it in buffalo sauce. Does that count as a topic? Hmmm... sadly, no. Because you people don't give a shit that Bill and I have started low carb. Again.

Hold the bun, plzkthxbai.

What about what I'm reading? Trust Me by Brenda Novak. I'm not far enough into it to really Roger Ebert it, so that doesn't count, either.

The cicadas are still bad. There's a carpenter bee boring a hole into my decorative shelf on the porch -- yeah, the same damn one that the doves nested in AND another dove nested in last week, but I scared it off and left the nest and one egg behind. That shelf? Is full of FAIL.

Oh, here's some news: Boo's HARDSHIP TRANSFER was approved. We got the official letter last week. She had "champagne" (sparkling grape juice. Actually FLAT sparkling grape juice left over from Derby) in a flute:

I think I'm more excited about it than she is. So she should be able to complete all 6 primary grades there, and I'll be an awesome PTA mom. I'm sooo the Lynette Scavo of the neighborhood.

TV sucks right now. And will until "Big Brother" starts in July.

Anybody else got anything good going on?

Attack of the Cicadas.

Right now, trying to walk through our backyard is like dodging bullets in Afganistan, except by bullets I mean cicadas and by Afganistan I mean Kentucky. The things are so freakin' loud we've got the volume turned up on the TV to 27. They land on you and are completely icky. I mean, I know the suckers only come around every 17 years (and really, how do they know it's been 17 years? Do they get a wake-up call from the concierge desk?) but apparently I don't remember the 1991 cycle. Ugh.

OMFG.

We're getting a LUSH counter at our Macy's. First, we got a Sephora. Now a LUSH counter. I might die from joy.

For those of you not schooled in the happiness that is LUSH, they're handmade face and body products and they feel sooooooo good. Like butterflies kissing my skin (ok, imagine me saying this in a high-pitched squeal after drink two martinis and now you get the picture).

Here are my favorite products (also known as The Ones I've Tried):

Helping Hands -- THE best hand lotion EVER. Melts into your skin, leaves no residue, doesn't feel like you just gave somebody a handjob (ew)... need I say more?

Buffy body butter. I've used sugar scrubs in the past, but holy cow. This one is AMAZING.


Angels on Bare Skin. I use this in the fall, winter and spring. Perfect year-round if you don't have combination skin, like me.


Herbalism. This is great in the summer, when the Kentucky heat & humidity screws up mah natural complexion. I know it looks like baby poop, but it is AWESOME for oily skin.


When I was in Minneapolis last week, the girls at the LUSH counter in Macy's introduced me to Coalface and some sample of a face mask which is upstairs and I'm too lazy to run up there and look it up ... but, regardless I'll let you know...

Recovering from Minneapolis in 10 Statements.

1) WTF was I thinking when I rented a convertible in f*cking Minneapolis? I did put the top down exactly twice -- after sitting in a Walgreens parking lot for 20 minutes trying to figure out how to work the damn hard top on the smokin' hot Sebring. The weather never broke 70, but that didn't stop me from going all Thelma & Louise on Mpls's ass.

2) Mall. of. America. Four hours, four floors, many dollars.
Here's the haul that I can remember off the top of my head, because ZOMG you would not believe the power shopping I did -- I was a shopping ninja (HIIIYAH, NORDSTROM!): a Betsy Johnson reversible tote; pair of Havaianas; black belted sweater; a Hanna Andersson outfit + an extra t-shirt for Boo; "My Kindergarten Year" book for Boo; Helping Hands lotion and assorted other bath products from the LUSH counter at Macy's; sugar scrub from Bath & Body Works; my dad's Father's Day gift; two Webkinz (shhh, don't tell Bill) ... My bag was stuffed to its max capacity.

3) Found sushi at the Mall of America. Was aiight for Minnesota raw fish that isn't a walleye.

Tiger Sushi from my phone's camera.

4) Spongebob is a hottie. The newly opened Nickelodeon Universe looks like SO much fun if you're a 12-year-old. Or Bill.

5) O'Hare SUCKS. Seriously bad. Our flight from ORD (O'Hare) to MSP was CANCELLED on the way up there... United stuck us on a flight that was actually EARLIER than our initial flight, but our luggage didn't make it. So they told us they'd send it to the hotel.

Fair enough. IF it mde it, right?

Not only did it make it, but the fine folks at the Sofitel had already delivered it to our rooms. Excellent.

O'Hare still sucks, though, and here's why: On our flight home, we were an hour late arriving into ORD. Our photographer and I RAN to the shuttle, RAN to the gate with 5 minutes to spare before boarding started.

And we stood there.

For an hour-and-a-f*cking-half. With only 12 seats in ONE gate to accommodate FOUR outbound flights. In a terminal that had absolutely no airconditioning. My sweat was sweating. It was crawling-through-the-desert-because-your-camel-died-from-the-heat hot.

We got home just an hour or so late -- I'm not really sure, I think I blacked out somewhere in there...

6) Why has no one told me out Super Target before? I walked through the doors and I swear I heard angels singing in the distance. The big ol' Awesomeness that is Super Target sells all kinds of upscale beauty products that I have to drive all over town for (such as Bumble & Bumble hair products and select Origins skincare stuff). And I bought Boots day cream and night cream in a super cheap set. You people with Super Targets better recognize what you got and own it.

7) Our GPS unit tried to take us from Blaine, MN to MOA over the 35W bridge, which collapsed last year. And apparently if you deviate from her directions, she will school you in humility, stopping just short of calling you a "non-driving muthafucka" (Bill's favorite insult hurled at poor, unsuspecting drivers). We took a detour through an unbelievably clean downtown Minneapolis and eventually she got us on our way.

8) Black socks with white tennis shoes. It's a don't, people. I'm going to print out business cards with that phrase on it and start handing them out at airports and malls.

9) While eating at La Fougasse, we were close enough to the kitchen to experience an executive chef barking out orders exactly like Chef Ramsay on Hell's Kitchen." I actually got little butterflies in my tummy hearing out "one scallop, one fillet medium rare, two potatoes, one asparagus!!!!" and then some semblance of "YES, CHEF!" from the cooks. So aspiring chefs, that shit? Is real.

10) I hurt. I have a blister on my toe, my back is killing and I can't get cooled down no matter how many showers I take. But the shopping? So. worth. it.

A thought on Webkinz.

Porkfat is NOT a Webkinz.

You know what sucks about Webkinz*? Getting your ass kicked playing Go Fish by an 8-year-old in Nebraska.


* I've bought 11 in the last two weeks. Bill has officially cut me off.

Damn cicadas.

Bill's grandmother turned 90 today. Not only has she lived through the death of JFK, Buzz Aldrin's* moonwalk and Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video premiere, but she also totally busted a move -- with champagne -- at our wedding in 2001. We had a party at a local park for her and DAMN. I hope I look half as good as she does. Woman drinks four pots of coffee a day. She still drives in day and lives alone. Country livin'? IS UNDERRATED.

Boo totally got freaked out by the myriad of cicadas that had infested the park ... one landed on her and you would have thought she got set on fire thanks to the SCREAMING. really. Charming.

I walked down to the lake and had a slice of bread I was munching on. I saw a few geese in the lake and absentmindedly tossed in a bite of bread and BAM! GEESE FLOCK!!!! So Boo ran down with a handful of crackers and tried to throw one in and the wind blew the cracker crumbs BACK INTO HER EYE. OMG. DRAAAAAAAMMMMMZ. Screaming, crying. Damn... those poor geese.

So, Happy Birthday to Nana. I won't try to explain my blog to her since the idea of Webkinz seems to kick her ass.


** Shut up, Ryan.