The Haul.

Bit O' Honey? That house was LAME.

The girls totally got the haul tonight. One house handed out homemade fudge to the parents. And that? Kicked ass.


Unless it's made of Exlax. Which would suck.

Happy Halloween!

Anybody who does this to a dog is an a-hole.

BooBerry woke up and was pissed because it wasn't going to stay dark all day. Apparently, on Halloween, it's supposed to stay dark all day so the kids can trick-or-treat. WTF? She argued with me for several minutes about this until she ultimately figured out that you really can't argue with Mommy since Mommy is always right.

She's going to be Belle (from Beauty and the Beast), and her BFF Anna & family are coming over for pizza and trick-or-treating.

You've never seen trick-or-treating until you've been in MY Children of the Corn/ Desperate Housewives neighborhood. I think they truck the kids in in busloads. I KNOW most of those kids don't live there. I'm like "Go away, family with six kids who belong in the broke neighborhood behind us. Go trick-or-treat in your own shitty 'hood."

I remember growing up there was always that one man who gave away 10 pennies to each kid. WTF? WE WANT CANDY, DUDE, not shitty coins. And I remember going with Amy Kustes (who had the Barbie Dream House, but I'm not bitter) to the hospital to have our candy X-rayed to make sure there weren't needles in it. Creepy. Those were the days when people still handed out homemade brownies and such.

I have nearly 5 pounds of premium chocolate to ensure I'm not that house. We have a dental hygenist who lives across from us and she gives out toothpaste and brushes. Nice.

Vote for an MSU grad!

I proudly went to Murray State University, recent grad Casie Janet (at least I think she's a 2007 grad) is a contestant in CMT's Music City Madness contest. She's cute, even if she is an Alpha Gam (bitches) and, more importantly, girl can sing!

Vote HERE -- she's on the left-hand side in the middle of the page.

The guy she's again in the bracket? Yeahhh... the first line in his song is "I Googled you today..." So fucked up in a country song.

What two things DON'T go together?

A. Construction and my patience.
B. Construction and me going completely apeshit on construction men.
C. All of the above.

They're doing construction in our building to get ready for some new tenants. Unfortunately, they look like this:


Instead of this:


Either way, the hammering has wrapped around my brain like bad images of Britney's VMA performance. I can't shake it. And I'm hearing hammers in my sleep.

The bad news is that the new tenants aren't moving in until JANUARY. Oh, joy.

More Callie LOLcats.

More Colbie Caillat.

I cannot tell you how much I'm up in her shit right now. So glad she's being played on the radio.

Dear Trader Joe's:

Who do I have to sleep with to get a Trader Joe's here in Louisville? Because having to drive two hours North to Indianapolis for wasabi mayonnaise and Two Buck Chuck really sucks.

And is it really fair that effing Missouri has four stores? No. No, it is not.

Junior Mars vs. Venus

Tonight, I'm sitting here watching Pushing Daisies (seriously, the best show you're not watching) on the DVR, and there's a knock at the door. It's Nash, the ultra blond, ultra cool seven-year-old up the cul-de-sac. Hell, even I'm half-in-luv with the kid. I can see him in 8 years being that boy in high school ...

He wants to know if BooBerry can come out and play.

I yell up the stairs for her, and she runs to the landing ... in her Belle dress, complete with glitter, sequins, etc...

Boo then hollers (yes, apparently even Disney princesses holler): "Wait! I want to come downstairs to show Nash my dress!!"

I tried to explain that six-year-old boys couldn't give a rat's damn about Disney princess dresses, but it fell on deaf ears and she came downstairs and curtsied in the door at him. She then tried to lure him to come upstairs and watch "Barbie as the Island Princess."


Clearly, we need more girls in this cul-de-sac.

WARNING: RAUNCHY.

... but funny. I laughed myself into an asthma attack.

Mastercard needs to use this ...

KITTEN CHOW: $13.49
NEW TOYS: $10.75
VET VISIT: $97
LEARNING YOUR NEW KITTEN HAS BEEN SHATTING
REPEATEDLY UNDER YOUR DAUGHTER'S DRESSER: Priceless

DRINK COKE!

And give me your My Coke Rewards points.

I need 138 more points to get the hellacool red fleece logo jacket. So if anyone has any points they're not using, send 'em on over! I'm sure you want me to get that hoodie, right?

Before Hermione...

There was Mildred Hubble. I LOVED "The Worst Witch" growing up, and for some reason, thought of it today. I wondered what the girl who played Mildred is doing now, and if you're wondering, too –– well, she's still acting, just not in much I've ever heard of. Oh wait -- she was that chick in "The Craft!" I knew I recognized her from somewhere ...

HUG IT OUT.

Tonight, Porkfat jumped on me while I was watching "Kid Nation" (shut up) and Callie had already claimed my lap. After much hissing and smacking (on my lap), I found myself saying out loud to them, "Hug it out, bitches! Hug it out."

Damn. Mars wins this round.

Found this quiz on another blog. Bill hates it when I blog about him, so I thought I'd add fuel to the fire:

1. Who is your man?...... William F.

2. How long have you been married?....... 6 years as of 10/6

3. How long dated?...... We dated for 14 months, then were engaged for another 18 months

4. How old is your man?...... 33

5. Who eats more? ..... Him, but I'm the bigger snacker

6. Who said "I love you" first? ...... Him. It was an accident, and he was mortified the moment it came out of his mouth.

7. Who is taller?...... Him.

8. Who sings better?...... I pretend I do, but he has a fabulous voice.

9. Who is smarter? .......Book smarts: Him. Common sense: Me.

10. Whose temper is worse?...... Oh, my lord, mine is. I have Irish in me somewhere.

11. Who does the laundry?...... Probably 50/50. He usually puts it away, though!

12. Who takes out the garbage?...... Him. It's usually heavy!

13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?..... If you're looking at it? Me.

14. Who pays the bills?...... He does. I kept the checkbook once for a couple of years, and we ended up with an $800 surplus (thanks to my keen arithmetic.)

15. Who is better with the computer?...... But it's his JOB, you know.

16. Who mows the lawn?..... (Damn. Who wrote this quiz, some dude hoping to make his wife feel like shit?) He does. I don't even know how to turn the lawnmower on.

7. Who cooks dinner?..... Probably 70% him. I suck at cooking. Or he grills and I do side dishes. But I usually clean up.

18. Who drives when you are together?...... 50/50. If it's a long drive, him. But I'm the WORST SIDESEAT DRIVER EVER. (At least I admit it.)

19. Who pays when you go out?..... Whoever gets the debit card out faster.

20. Who is most stubborn?...... Both, but probably me.

21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong?...... Usually him. Because I am never wrong.

22. Whose parents do you see the most?...... Mine. They're just closer, and they watcch BooBerry often.

23. Who kissed who first?....... He kissed me first. It was in Barbados, and "A Fish Called Wanda" was on TV.

24. Who asked who out?...... He asked me. We were in Barbados on a trip for our graduate studies. I thought he meant when we got home, but he meant right there!

25. Who proposed?..... He did. We were at Slugger Field or whatever they call it. It was on the big scoreboard.

26. Who is more sensitive?....... Me. I get my feelings hurt very easily.

27. Who has more friends?...... I'm not sure about that one. Probably him.

28. Who has more siblings?...... He has a brother and a sister. I have a brother. Again, Bill wins.

29. Who wears the pants in the family?...... Him. But I pretend I do.

It's not even Halloween ...

... and the WANT has started thanks to the myriad of commercials on Nickelodeon that tell BooBerry that she has has has has has has has to have X toy. So let's examine today's list of stupid shit she wants:

Barbie My Size Throne: MSRP: $79.99
Who doesn't want a throne? Hell, I want one. I'd just rather it be made by Lay-Z-Boy than Mattel1, because there's less of a chance that I'll die from flesh-eating lead or whatever else they're recalling this shit for these days. By the way, this girl looks like she's about 12 (at 12, I had pictures of Corey Haim and Christian Slater on my walls and was more concerned with tight-rolling and Eastlands than dressing my Barbies). She's waaay to old to sit in this throne, let alone play with it.


Chou Chou Mommy Make Me Better: MSRP: $49.99

Apparently, the Fisher-Price doctor's kit and embroidered lab coat she got for Christmas last year2 can't make her own dolls better. She needs a $50 one. Also, my mom told me Boo wanted this one –– I've never even heard her mention it.


Hasbro Baby Alive: MSRP: $49.99

DO NOT WANT. Because this doll? Gives me hella-nightmares just from the commercials. Most definitely DO NOT WANT in the house.


Fur Berries: MSRP: $14.99.

OK, these? Are actually kinda cute. And sold out (dammit).


Disney Princess Tea Time With Me Little Belle: MSRP: ? (too stupid to even consider)

She sings, like, four lines. I'm thinking the Belle she already has (who looks just like this one) will work just fine with the plastic tea set she already has, thank you very much. Also, this is sad because it means you have no friends with whom to have a tea party.



1. Confession: I've actually already gotten this. What? I found it on sale at Kohl's for $39.99.
2. Pieces were lost about three days after Christmas. Ho Ho Ho.

I bet this kid had fun ...

... making this commercial. I would've.

Oops.

Bill and BooBerry went to play the Wii this weekend, and it wouldn't work. It seems Callie had chewed through the wire connecting the sensor bar to the console. Cost to replace: $10, thankfully. Bill was about ready to kick the cat to the curb.

"Whassup..."

(Wonder if I can get her to chew the cables to his computer so he can't play World of Warcraft...)

Really, JK?

He doesn't look so gay to me. Actually, with this pose, he looks like he has more in common with this guy:

Peace out.

Girls R Jealous

Bill and I spent last night catching up on our shows, including two eps of "Ghost Hunters." The team has a new chick-with-good-hair, Kris. I tried Googling her to she where the hell she came from and lo and behold found an imdb listing for her. That's definitely a step DOWN for the TAPS team, in my opinion.

We know that Donna and Jason have chemistry (notice the body language below. BTW, nice socks, Jason).


If his wife hasn't noticed, she is an idiot. I suspect she ran Donna off the TAPS trips, which led to the "hiring" of Kris to fill the role of resident chick.

I have a mad crush on Steve, and he's mackin' hard on Kris. So somebody should warn Kris that Steve is no catch -- he, the King of Phobias, the man who cannot fly or climb stairz.

Steve, I heart u, but man up.

I'm super excited about the Halloween ep, as once again the TAPS team goes live. This year, however, they're returning to WAVERLY HILLS right here in Louisville.

I was there for a guided ghost tour on Halloween morning in 2002. The place was FREAKY. All the windows at the back of the building were busted out and glass crunched under your feet. There was a definite feeling of sadness around the old TB hospital. TAPS visited in Season Two and caught some great footage. I can't wait for the live version!

Sorry for...

... all the Callie posts. There's just so much material here.

Genius...

... comes in many forms.

Am I the only one...

...who thinks Posh always looks like she has something sharp stuck up her ass?



Look how all the other spices smile. Yet our homegirl doesn't even crack a grin. Perhaps she's still pissed at America for not giving a rat's ass about her in a reality show (although I might have watched had Dave walked around shirtless for the entire 42 minutes). She might be royalty in England, but here, she's just seems to be a royal bitch.

I'm not sure...

...whose bright idea it was to overcompensate in the taste department, but there is absolutely no reason for Ragu Light pasta sauce to taste sweeter than a candy bar. Because there is no comparison. Ragu Light = nasty. Candy bar = tasty.

I just reheated some leftover spaghetti and determined that if it was nasty the first time, it's probably gonna taste like shit the second time.

Attacked at 5:20 this morning.

Discord.

OK, so baby kitty has a name -- Callie. Don't know how I came up with that one other than I thought of characters on TV shows I watched.

Things are not going so hot here -- Porkfat is royally pissed, and Doodlebug just wants to play with Callie, who keeps hissing and hiding. It took me 20 minutes to find her when we got home tonight ... I'm not sure she ever came out from underneath the bed this morning. She was wrapped up in the comforter underneath the foot of the bed. I'm reminded of my friend's old cat, Puff, who was the meanest thing on four legs -- and Callie looks just like her. Reincarnation does exist. Arrgh.

More Sweet Lovin' for Your iPod.

With our sales team in the office and the accompanying need to zone out today, I rediscovered several gems on my iPod. In recent weeks, the networks have begun using some Grade A tunes for their commercials and in their shows:

• "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles. This one was featured in a "Brothers & Sisters" commercial. Took over an hour to track down the song using the 5-second lyric the network used, only to find out I already had it on my iPod.

• "Silence" by Selena Cross. Really pretty. Not sure how I found this one on iTunes.

• "Apologies" by Grace Potter & the Nocturnals. I think this one was on "Grey's Anatomy" last week.

• "Pictures of You" by The Last Goodnight. This band has been compared to Maroon 5. I see it. Which is probably why I like it.

• "Belgium" by Bowling for Soup. Great acoustical bonus tune from "Drunk Enough to Dance."

• "Heroes and Thieves" by Vanessa Carlton. Title track (and the best one) from her new album. "Nolita Fairytale" is also fabulous.

• "Yeah" by Kelly Clarkson. Funkalicious. "My December" produced virtually nothing good except for this one, and maybe "Don't Waste Your Time." Bitter, party of one, your table's available.

Now accepting applications ...

for kitty names. For the kitty has landed.

(And is going to the vet to make sure she's clean before I take her home to Porkfat for what is sure to be Hissfest 2007 for the next week. Complete with refers and mosh pit.)

Around the house.

It's been an eventful day, with boys from the neighborhood swarming around BooBerry.

Perhaps it's the tiara. Perhaps it's the fact that she's not afraid to dig. Perhaps it's because she's not afraid to dig in a tiara (atta girl).

Naaaaah. They just love her for her Wii.

WWYD?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Score.

Tomorrow, BooBerry will receive a Terrific Tiger Award for Politeness and Good Use of Manners on her school's weekly telecast.

(Myself? I do not see it. She must reserve that shit for skool.)

Still, ahm a proud mommy. I'll be there tomorrow when she gets it. Am takin' off work.

*************

So, tonight, we were snuggling in bed as she was about to go to sleep.

ME: BooBerry! You're getting an award tomorrow!

BOOBERRY: (looking perturbed) I know, Mommy. I'm going to be on the telecast. My friends will all see me.

ME: BILLLLLL! C'mere! (I'm amazed at her use of the word "telecast.")

BILL: (coming into the room) What?

ME: BOO! Tell Daddy! Tell him you're getting an award tomorrow!

BOOBERRY: (sigh + eye roll) It's not a real award. It's just a piece of paper that somebody wrote on.



Tell me it gets better from here.

Ahm a winner.

Tonight, while I was standing in the kitchen, doin' dishes, I heard that little {doot doot doot doot} sound on the radio. I immediately grabbed the phone and dialed.

I had no idea what the contest was.

Turns out I won:



A four-pack of Taco Bell Steak Grilled Taquitos. Which is bittersweet because now it means I can't win again for another 30 days and this? Is a sucky prize.

Me as a cat.

Jazz Paws

Am I a bad mom if I ...

... buy BooBerry a holiday Barbie from 1997 off eBay ...



... Instead of the 2007 one?


She just said she wanted a Barbie with the red Christmas dress. And the 2007 bitch is, like, $40.

It's not like she can read the box, anyway...

It's Monday.

That means 42 minutes of Wentworth Miller.

Thank you, Fox, for killing off Sara Tancredi.

Heard this weekend at Grandma's House ...

My mom kept BooBerry this weekend whilst Bill & I celebrated our sixth anniversary (yay, commitment!). She had crap strewn all around the house, which, of course, my parents stepped on.

WEE: (cleaning up a broken orange crayon) I'm not very happy about having to clean up this crayon.

BOOBERRY: (not turning away from the TV) Well, I'm not very happy about you stepping on my crayon ...

Cheeky.

Mandyland's Gold Star of the Day goes to ...

Kraft Light Done Right Three Cheese Ranch dressing.

Usually, I think Ranch tastes like warmed over liquid ass; however, this is some taystee stuff. I'd like to roll in it and lick myself clean. So cheesy. So buttermilky.

For the Moms.

More dumb animals.

For years, I've watched a huge, gorgeous brown and white hawk that sat on a post on the Bullitt Farm off I-64. Beautiful. He watched over morning traffic, and it was always nice to see the little slice of nature amidst the harried rat race.

Today on my way to the Mall (yay, Gymbucks time!), I saw him in a pile of feathers along side the interstate next to the farm. Feel like I lost a friend -- it looked like he'd been hit by a car. Birds r dumb.

Same thing happened to a groundhog who always nibbled on the grassy knoll outside Picadilly at the corner of Hurstbourne and Taylorsville Road. Saw him every summer day for, like, three years until I saw groundhog splatter outside Barnes N Noble. Groundhogs r dumb, too.

Think you're having a bad day?

It can always get worse.

As if life doesn't suck enough being a skunk, this little stinker got his head stuck in a salad dressing jar (a glass T. Marzetti Supreme Caesar salad dressing jar, to be exact. Yum. Caesar). To make matters worse, he wandered into a police department's parking lot. An officer shot the jar, leaving a glass necklace around his neck. Guess Stinky should be lucky the officer had good aim.

T. Marzetti sent the officer some coupons for some free salad dressing...

Disgustingly Cute.

I'm choosing one of these little guys to bring home, but just can't pick. The two grey ones are boy/ girl, and the little tuxedo kitty is a boy:






Thoughts?

Some BIll-related WTF?

I luv my husband, and usually his pix are spot on. But while perusing the disc of our vacation pictures, I found a few (questionable) gems that bear further examination in the vein of "WTF?":

Random dude working in the Living with the Land labs in Epcot (lefthand). I don't know if his job is awesome, or if he goes home and cries softly into his pillow at night. I suspect it's the latter.

Dunno what's going on here. BooBerry was probably planning on launching herself off the platform into the alligator-infected waters off Tom Sawyer's Island just as he was about to take a picture of her. I was working that day. Nice placement of the leaves near his new Asics, tho.

Not sure what BooBerry said to Snow White here, but it must have been scandalous. Maybe TMZ needs to hire BooBerry for her mad gossiping skilz, yo.

Simple WTF shot. Random pic of random computers.

The ass end of an elephant. Just in case that's the one picture you were missing from your "The Ass End of Miscellaneous Animals of Disney's Animal Kingdom" collection. I heard it was limited edition.

Finally, the crown jewel:

Me. Thoroughly pissed off at standing in the longest WDW line I've yet to encounter -- The Haunted Mansion (my fave) on the busiest Saturday I've ever seen. I did NOT want to be there. Which is obvious. Good times.

Random Shit to Talk About Today...

... in traditional outline form. Because it is a challenge and I have shit to do and am avoiding doing said shit. I think I remember how to do this right...

I. South Beach Diet Phase I, Part Due
A. Going back on my diet is a bitch.
B. My body has gotten so used to the Disney Dining Plan that it is literally craving
1. School bread from that little shop in Norway
a. It's like a coconut cream doughnut, only bigger.
b. It is heaven on Earth.
2. Fudge from the Main Street Confectionery in the Magic Kingdom
C. I have to lose the four pounds I gained in 8 days. Yum.
D. I am starving. My stomach is literally eating itself.

II. BooBerry is sick
A. She complained about her stomach hurting this morning.
B. I sent her to school anyway because I am a bad mommy and figured she was just hungry.
C. School called and said she was just laying around complaining of her stomach aching. I picked her up. She camped out on our bed and watched Spongebob with a smug smile.
D. I think SOMEONE didn't want to go to school today...

III. We might have a new addition to the family.
A. No, I am not pregnant.
B. Yes, I talked Bill into (maybe) getting a new kitten.
C. Because kittens are good substitutions to not being pregnant.
D. And Porkfat needs a friend.
1. She reeeeeallly needs the exercise.
2. And she needs something to occupy her time, since she's taken to attacking Bill's ankles as he walks up the stairs at night.
E. Will post if it comes to fruition. Not fun.

IV. My thoughts on Britney.
A. So sad that she had to give her kids to Kevin effing Federline. He should be in jail just for wearing a wife-beater-slash-fedora outfit every day. (Dude. Mix it up a little.)
B. Where the hell were her parents when she was sliding down this shame spiral?
1. Dina, you suck. Oh, wait. That's Lindsay's mom.
2. Lynne, you suck.
3. Wait. Maybe they're the same person ...
4. Oh, I know where Lynne is ... substituting Britney's look-alike, Jamie Lynn, in the role of "perfect daughter." That is suuuch a V.C. Andrews novel...
C. If your going to drink and drug out, do it at home where there are no freaking photographers. Because, OK! and US Weekly, if I see one more glassy-eyed photo of Ms. Spears sans panties, I am going to completely lose my shit.


AWWWW MAN! ALL THAT WORK AND IT WON'T POST MY PERFECT OUTLINE FORM!



Lame.

Random Pix from the Trip!

Our 8-day trip to Walt Disney World was a blast -- and I'm glad we had so much time there, because A) it was Nairobi hot (I'm not one of those girls who "glisten." I just sweat.) and B) BooBerry still needs a nap. That took two hours out of each day, plus at least a half-hour in travel time. We stayed at Port Orleans Riverside, and were on the free dining plan. This meant a TON of food -- Bill & I each gained four pounds on the trip. And, yeah. It was totally worth it.

BooBerry was intenting listening to the opening music at Magic Kingdom...

BooBerry and Daddy wait for breakfast at Crystal Palace, which included:


Breakfast lasagna. I want to roll in this and lick myself clean.

This was my favorite picture of the whole trip. That's Bill in the orange shirt with BooBerry on Goofy's Barnstormer. I tried to be brave (it is a mini-rollercoaster, afterall), but alas, I chickened out in line...

Yargh! Two pirates battle it out following Pirates of the Caribbean.

Find the BooBerry...

Check out this goat ... he reaaaallly wanted the plastic bag in my hand. (By the way -- I've never been hotter than I was on this day. Seriously. I had to spend $6 on ponytail holders just to get my sticky hair off my neck. I love Animal Kingdom, but I swear it is the hottest place on the planet.)

We really need to work on BooBerry's hand placement while taking photos. (Bill was jealous.)

Trying Beverly, an Italian appertif, at Epcot Center. Coca-Cola sponsors an icy cool drink center with free samples of sodas from around the world. Booberry loved the little cups.

Josh of *91 fame joined us for dinner at Ohana -- I can't think of a more girly drink than a lemon drop (except maybe a cosmopolitan), but that's what he ordered (street cred, bro, street cred). I got this fruity-tooty thing because I've always wanted to drink something out of a pineapple. That's now something I can check off my to-do list...

Josh, nearly comatose after the copious amounts of food we shoveled into our mouths.


A great family shot. Now, if BooBerry and I can just work on Bill to let us go back next spring...