Music Video of the Day.

My little bro has the amazing ability to find new artists he just knows I'll love.

If Anyone From Bill's Work ...

"Buy me, Bill."

... still reads this, please tell him I want an eee pc so I can blog and play Webkinz while I'm in Minneapolis next week. He won't listen to me.

The Value of Old People.

My friend, Bridget, recently lucked into some old stuff given to her by an elderly neighbor who was just going to toss it out. She just wanted it gone. Some of that "junk" turned out to be eBay-able, and Bridget and I have been discussing the merits of old people who keep their possessions in pristine condition (I'm not talking about the hoarders here, the ones with newspapers dating back to the Kennedy regime and boxes full of shit from QVC).

With all my grandparents gone, perhaps I should audition for the role of a grandmotherly figure in my life. It could be like "Big Brother." I'd let a slew of grandmas move in with me and let them go all Blanche and Rose on each other like on "The Golden Girls" and do challenges like baking me cookies and knitting me sweaters and shit and then evict the shitty grandmas until I have one kickass grandma*.

Also, don't put pictures of your grandma up on the internets, people. I just googled "Grandma" and got a whole lot of images I could have stolen for this blog post**.


* And when she can't bake or knit anymore I'd put her ass in a nursing home. But a nice one where they turn you twice a day so you don't get bedsores and get your hair done once a week (with hairspray to freeze it so it will look the same all week) and give you ice cream when all your teeth fall out. And then I could do Season Two and get a new grandma and forget about the first one just like Reuben Studdard, Taylor Hicks. and whoever won Survivor: Micronesia.

** See. I do have ethics. And some semblance of morality. You can thank my grandma.

Don't you hate it...

...when you miss while you're spraying your hairspray? And it totally gets on your eye? And then your eyelash gets all gooey and sticky and feels really weird for the rest of the day? And you can't wash it off because you're at work with nothing to fix your face with?

True story, that one.

I'm not MIA...

Come. Drink the Kool-Aid, my friend.

... I made the mistake of buying BooBerry a Webkinz. I have gotten completely sucked into playing the games because, of course, that's how you make KinzCash and Boo wants to buy shit we don't have enough KinzCash for so I'm ferverently playing until my fingers bleed to get enough dough to build her a kitchen and my eyes are blurring and ... well... you get the picture.

And, it doesn't help that my friend, Paige, invited Boo's character, Kitty Katty, over to her "house" last night and her house? IS BITCHIN'. It's totally "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." I cannot invite her over to our house because Boo has decorated it and it looks like brothel/tiki room.

Oh, and I've bought six more Webkinz in the past week. They haven't gotten here yet.

NOTE TO SELF: Identify the similarities between Beanie Babies, The Sims & Webkinz. Recognize inner inability to control oneself when collectibles are involved. BACK. AWAY.

Please.

Somebody hold him down so I can kick him in his teeth.

In my e-mail IN BOX: read first, then watch.

These people were always finding water all over their pool deck and furniture, every time they came home, after being away for a few hours. They thought the neighborhood kids were watching for them to leave, and using the pool. However, they could never catch them doing it. So, they set up their video cam and left. This is what they found:

I voted at 6:58 a.m. this morning...

... based solely on this picture.

Or maybe it was this one that did the trick:



I also pick my Derby horses based on the jockeys' silks. That's how I roll.

Twilight Trailer!!

Bill, my bro, sis-in-law and I went to see "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian" this weekend, but the highlight of my day was seeing the trailer for Stephenie Meyer's Twilight.



I'm not a HUGE fan, but the books are very good.

Yeah, I licked the plate clean.

Last week, Bill fixed the most amazingly awesome supper. It's from the How To Boil Water: Life Beyond Takeout cookbook we received for Christmas from his big sis.

Buffalo Chicken Sub Sandwiches

Courtesy of How To Boil Water: Life Beyond Takeout

3 boneless, skin-on chicken breast halves, about 1 1/2 pounds (We use skinless)
2 teaspoons chili powder (actually, Bill just coats the breasts -- he doesn't measure)
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
6 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 to 2 ribs celery
1/2 bunch watercress
1 baguette (we have to use a soft bread because of these dumb braces)
4 tablespoons hot sauce (Frank's ORIGINAL red hot)
2 ounces creamy blue cheese
1/4 cup mayo or sour cream (We use light mayo)

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Pat chicken dry with paper towels and season with chili powder & salt and pepper. Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat; add 2 tbsp of butter. Lay the chicken skin side down and cook without moving until the skin is golden and crispy, about 4 minutes. Turn and cook until the chicken is opaque, about 4 additional minutes. Reserve the skillet. Put the chicken in a baking dish or roasting pan and bake until firm to the touch, about 10 minutes. Set chicken aside to rest for 5 minutes before slicing.

2. While the chicken bakes, thinly slice the celery. Trim and discard the tough stems from the watercress. Rinse, dry and set aside the leaves.

3. Cut the bread crosswise into 4 equal pieces; cut each piece in half for sub style sandwiches. Add 2 tbsp butter to the reserved skillet. Once butter stops foaming, toast half the bread, cut side down, pressing and moving to soak up butter, about 2 minutes. Transfer to a platter and brush with half the hot sauce. Repeat with remaining butter, bread and hot sauce.

4. Spread cheese evenly on the bottoms of the bread. Layer the celery over the cheese. Thinly slice the chicken and place on the celery. Top with watercress and finish by smearing the top pieces with mayo. Press the tops on the sandwiches and serve immediately or wrap and serve within 2 hours.

I actually brought my second sandwich for lunch the next day and just picked the watercress off before I heated it up. Next time, I'll probably just leave the watercress off until I heat it up and then add it fresh. Also, I am going to ask Bill to sauteé the celery because it was super crunchy.

When dead asleep, Doodlebug is ...

... charming.

My mother hates me.

Boo and my mother went to see "The Little Mermaid" at a local dinnerhouse yesterday. OF course, the giftshop was packed with under-the-sea themed toys, and Boo walked away with this adorable plastic fishy.

On rollers.

And sings.

Loudly.

In Japanese.

Or maybe Chinese. Perhaps Polish. (We're not real sure.)

And rolls around wildly.

Thanks, Mom. You're awesome for that.

New Picture of the Divine Miss B

... showing off the awesome bows I bought from eBAY.

It's Friday!

You know what pisses me off?

When you're reading a Web and and when scrolling down, BAM! There's a kid with a hair lip in an ad staring at you. I'm all for helping the little children, but it really makes me feel bad when all I want to do is find out who won America's Next Top Model. Sheesh.

BTW, here's a hot guy with a cleft-like scar:

Admit it.

He lights your fire, too.

As I was driving down Taylorsville Road, my eyes looked to the right, and the line at McDonald's was empty. That was a sign. A sign from above.

and lo, He sayeth to her: Get thee a free Southern Style Chicken Biscuit with the purchase of a medium or large drink. And Enjoy! For free foodth is much bettereth than paying for thee food! And it is divine.

Seal Sex ...

Now there's a reason why
"he's just not that into you."

NOT SO HOT.

AND, it was a MALE penguin. So that seal is really stupid.

Happy Mother's Day to meeeeeeeeeee ...

... and all you otha muthas out there. (The LOLdog is from my cat-hating friend, Holly. I will have nightmares about this dog. Thanks, Hol.)

Woke up to a huge breakfast of French toast, poached eggs, chipped beef gravy, toast and coffee all prepared by my wonderful husband. Boo and Bill had wrapped my gift in homemade wrapping paper with pictures of things that remind them of me (apparently for Bill it's a sweater and a corset [???He says it's because I've been into Jane Austen recently???] and hearts and flowers for Boo). Then it was present time:
I got the Dooney & Bourke Medallion Tote I've been lusting after. Cute, eh?

We also went to Home Depot and I got to pick out some hostas for the dirt space under our deck and a new faucet, towel rack and toilet paper holder just "accidentally" fell into the cart (oops) for our powder room downstairs. So now Bill's got that little project to look forward to in the future (after some wallpaper accidentally falls into the mail from the internets).

We're going to an early dinner/late lunch with my brother and his wife, her mom & stepdad and my parents at The Bristol, which should be tasty in mah belleh.

Isn't this super cute?

Too bad it tastes like liquid ass. They're little individual bottles of sake topped with a teensy sake cup.

Scenes from the Zoo...

Lorikeet landing.

White crocodile.

Boo whining turned laughing
when I took her picture...

Meerkats? Dunno. They're cute.

Leopard right by the bar.

The best thing I saw all day? Amish people getting out of a cab at the zoo. They had bonnets and aprons. They were awesome. I want a bonnet.

Field Trip Day!

Boo's class is headed for the Louisville Zoo, and I'm sporting my soccer mom/field trip Mom finest of black knit capris, a blue t-shirt and school sweatshirt. And Crocs. Because all Moms wear Crocs.

She's riding a bus for the first time today, too -- Bill will be meeting her at 10 and I'll be heading over around lunchtime.

I remember field trips downtown that inevitably ended at the old Galleria (we had a Bennetton! In the 80s! When Bennetton was still cool!). Somehow, field trips have gotten lamer in recent years, and our school system is citing explosive fuel costs as a factor that might cut them even more in coming school years. Poor Boo -- she starts kindergarten in the fall and won't get to experience the wonder of the Blue Apple Players and the galleria food court much.

From my friend, RRR:

Once, when I was in my 20's...my best friend and I went to the store and got Dove bars to eat for a treat while watching a movie we rented.

I opened my package and there was a BIG FREAKIN' TOOTHMARKED BITE off my Dove bar. I shoulda sued or something. But I was lazy. I ate the rest of it. And I'm glad to say I survived.

R3, this sooooo needed to be blogged, and I know you won't. Is brilliant.

Why I had a kid.

Me: Boo, you need to keep track of your jacket. You can't lose it. What if some kid liked it and took it home? And it wasn't theirs? Do you know what that's called?

Boo: Yeah! "Finder's Keepers!"

Me: (trying hard not to laugh. Because dayyyyum) No. It's "stealing."

Boo: No, Moooooommy. It's "Finder's Keepers."

I admit. I've pre-ordered this.

LOLcat for a boring Tuesday.

I am old and broke down.

I got a letter from my doctor last week that said my thyroid was off and I'd need to be put on Synthroid. I'm not surprised –– everyone up to and including my teenaged cousin and my uncle on my maternal side has thyroid issues. (Do not google thyroid, BTW. The pictures of goiters are gross. Also, when I think of goiters, I think of the poster of the little African kid who had a humongoid goiter on his neck that hung on the wall in my 6th grade home ec class. I am still scarred from that. Thanks, Jeff Co. Public Schools.)

But I digress, as usual.

Aside from my raging thyroid, I found out that my right fallopian tube has a major blockage and I'm being referred to a "specialist"*. That explains why we've been unsuccessful with the whole second baby thing. I won't pretend I'm not devastated, but we have one perfect child, and maybe fate says we should use the money we'd spend on IVF or other fertility treatments and buy a Disney timeshare. Or finish the basement. Oh, the possibilities.

I feel so old and broke down. The only thing I need now is a hip replacement and treatment for bunions.



* Read: expensive

Two New Books...

... drop today that I've been eagerly awaiting.

First up is

Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass LookBig, Or Why Pie is Not The Answer by Jen Lancaster. If you haven't read Jen's other two self-indulgent works, my very favorite Bitter is the New Black and Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why it Often Sucks in the City, or Who are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me? then you are completely missing out. I laughed out loud so many times on an airplane from The Ville to Atlantic City I'm sure my seatmates probably assumed I had Tourette's. Really, they're fabulous. (Jen's blog, Jennsylvania, is in my blog roll at right.)

Second is the 8th Southern Vampire novel

From From Dead to Worse by Charlaine Harris. I have to read this one sloooooowly (and/ or save it for a trip) because she only writes one a year and I managed to devour the entire series in a couple of weeks. They're wonderfully funny and I'm so completely in love with Eric. (Everyone on Charlaine's messsage board is fully encamped in either Bill, Eric or Quinn. I'm an Eric Girl. **sigh**) The series is being turned into a show called "True Blood" on Showtime, which means Bill's gonna have to shell out the big bucks for upgraded channels come fall.

Well, I'm bored.

It seems if you take my child and my husband away, I just kinda wander aimlessly through the house looking for something to do. I watched four episodes of Cheerleader U. on WE tv (HA! UCF lost nationals to UK! GO WILDCATS!) I drove up to the nail salon for a pedi, but there were about half a dozen other bored women waiting ahead of me, so I drove up the street to see what my BFF was doing, but she was putting her daughter down for a nap. I sat outside in a lawn chair and read my extremely slow book (Killing Fear by Allison Brennan) and had a bloody Mary. I surfed The DIS and TMZ. I did a load of laundry.

Am bored.

Bored. Bored. Bored.

Scenes from Derby.

BooBerry with her Derby hat and "wine"
(Welch's sparkling grape juice).

Jenny's Sangria. OMG I have a new favorite drink.

The boys chose Woodford Reserve (any serious Kentucky bourbon conoisseur would approve) while us ladies enjoyed PAMA (ok, we mixed it with Crystal Light, but it was good).

Random shot of Doritos. Those
Chipotle Ranch ones? Were freakin' HOT.

Derby Day = Good Times.

So today is Derby Day in the Bluegrass State and that means lots of parties. We're no exception, although ours is low key. I've never been to the Derby, and I was born and raised here. (Seriously, I'm not getting in that mess. I love to watch it at home, though.) We have enough food to feed an army. Bella has her own "wine" (sparkling grape juice) and she's so excited. My BFF, Jenny, is making her famous Sangria. Good times are expected. I don't even know what horses are running this year other than Big Brown, who's the favorite but pulled the 20th post position.

Worst. Ending. Ever.

Ok, so today is my Pity Party day, and although I've spent most of it sleeping and/or tucked under a heating pad nursing my painful girly parts, I did manage to rent Stephen King's "The Mist" on satellite. I read the book on a past work trip to Baton Rouge, and it scared the shit out of me. Really, really good novella.

With that said, this movie might have the WORST FUCKING ENDING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF MOVIEKIND. Seriously. I wanted to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I want my fucking $4.99 back for the rental. I'd rather watch Jack die at the end of "Titantic." Or that whole fucked up ending of "The Village," which sent Bill into a two-day fit of rage (hey, M. Knight - you lost a fan there, dude). Hell, I'd rather watch "City of Angels" where Meg Ryan dies.

Jesus. My Pity Party just got worse. I need to go watch "Clueless" or "Mean Girls" to alleviate the pain this movie caused. I'm seriously traumatized.

Well, that sucked.

Anyone who says an HSG doesn't hurt "that bad" needs to feel how bad my foot feels up their ass because it? Was not fun. Just about the time I was screaming, it was over, though, and the Vicodin I'd taken beforehand did nothing but make me want to hurl the whole way home (really, how do people get hooked on pain pills? That vomitous feeling is nas-ty).

I'm still achy today, but at least I know what the problem is now, and we can proceed from there.

pwnd.

I have my HSG scheduled for 1:45 p.m. and am completely freaking out. We're all leaving the office at 11:30 a.m. because the Pegasus Parade takes over our parking lot (and usually leaves behind a trail of tissue paper and candy wrappers). So that means a nice half-day, right?

WRONG.

Not for me. I'm getting Roto Rootered by some mean ass radiologist checking out my lady parts and trying to figure out why I'm not knocked up yet. I hear the damn test is painful (really, I have got to stop reading shit about it on the internets), but I'm going in locked and loaded on drugs. I'd hit the Bloody Marys beforehand if I could (vodka + radiology = FAIL). Keep your fingers crossed that I don't kick the doctor in the head while he's down there. I'm sure I'm gonna want to.