For Shelly...

... use this next time somebody brags about something!

Happy Halloween.

Shortest Post Ever...

Braces.

Off.

(I'll post a pic next week after $2,000 in bonding. I betta have a JuliafuckingRoberts horse smile when all this is done.)

Spotted.

Little B modeling the latest fashions from power designer Gymboree. Is she trying to out prep Blair Waldorf? Watch out, Queen B ... Looks like there's some baby B competition on the Upper East Side.

XOXO,
Gossip Girl*




* This post is for you, Claire!

Sorry, Mom.

Just call me Crazy Cat Lady with a video camera.

I'm still trying to learn how to use this thing.

Oh, and I'm using your laptop, kthxbai.

Reason #347 Why I Should Not Have a New Video Camera & Internet Access.

Family Fun Day!

We headed to a local farm and winery for Family Sunday Funday and this was the first weekend that I have wanted to kill people en mass. This place was a freakin' MADHOUSE. It's a U-Pick kinda place, and the middle class yuppies were out in droves with their Halloween sweaters* and high priced strollers (we had my nephew, Conor, along and really needed a ORV-type stroller to cut through the ruts).

Here are some highlights:

It's a wonder I didn't spew going up this windy road ...
maybe because I was driving and it was a little like playing Super Mario Kart (which I suck at, but I managed to keep THIS car going the right direction...)

Lunch. I am a douchbaggette for making
this face, but it made Conor smile. Babies
tolerate so much...

My newphew, Conor, sucking on a chicken drumstick bone.
(PSI: He wears this Speed Racer helmet to reshape his head. It's OK to ask parents WTF it is ... He only has to wear it for about 4 months.)

Happy goat gets corn (25 Cents for about 8 kernels.)

Happy goat is now mildly annoyed goat
who only tolerates this for 8 more kernels of corn.

This guy has big horns.

Pretty cow.

Scary Third-World alpaca.

Big slide made of some PVC pipe stuff.

Happy kid is now pissed kid because
she cannot go down the slide again.

Family photo. What you can't see are the two women
drinking wine straight from the bottles behind us. Awesome.

Self-explanatory. At least I used a cup.

Conor gets the best seat in the house...

... and straws full of cold water ...

... which we later discovered was actually Boo's Sprite.
This is him saying, "hey! That shit was good! Gimme some more!"

Family photo II. Insert baby.

* Just say "no" to themed sweaters.

Hey, Pizza Hut!!

Dear Pizza Hut:

mac 'N cheese? No. Even sticking some bacon in it does not make it a meal on the worst of my cooking days. (OK, a handful of chips and two Twix bars can be a dinner, but that doesn't mean it should be a dinner.)

Also, the fact that you're delivering pasta? No.

XOXO,
Mandyland

One day...

... all the cats in the world will rise up and revolt for this.

Sorry, Callie*. Really. I'm sorry. Don't kill me in my sleep.

* Boo cracks herself up.

Testing Out the Flip Mino!

Today was our co-worker Rick's birthday and he chose a new Japanese restaurant for his birthday lunch. Our boss, Jeremy, doesn't dig sushi, but Josh gave it a go. I took along my new FLIP MINO for a test run:


(It was a California roll, which is like the Winger of the sushi world, but hey, he tried it.)

Friday funnies.

Click to read the small print.

Hey, Suzanne!!

I was just reading your blog and look what popped up!!??

Coming Soon to MANDYLAND ...

... video! I bought a custom Flip Mino today. It'll look like this:

It's Peanut Butter and Jelly Time!

I have a group of girlfriends who think it's OK to bastardize the time-honored tradition known as the Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. It seems they like to add:
• chips
• Doritos
• Bacon
• Thin slices of onions

Chips? Doritos? Bacon? Onions? OK, that? That right there? That is some f*cked up shit. Like, if that were a challenge on Survivor not only would my team go to Tribal Council, but they'd probably kick my ass and send me to medic before we even f*cking made it to tribal. Y'all need some serious help. It's peanut butter & f*cking JELLY. Not peanut butter, jelly and let's spin a f*cking Wheel of Fortune wheel to see what the f*ck else should go on it.

Wrong. Just wrong.

Jeez. Why don't you guys go find a puppy and kick it in the face? Wrong.


Oh, and Bridget? Here's a picture for you:

The best video you'll see all day.

Oh, hell. Now I'm crying.

Acid Rain.

When I think of acid rain, I think of this. Please, won't you think of the air?*


* I wore a dress just like that on my first date with Bill. We parked and he got to second base all because of that dress.

Multiple choice...

Who do you feel worse for:

a) the mama kitteh who went through this
b) the poor kitteh who's face is barely showing between this guy's first and second fingers on his left hand (look hard. Yeah, bet you didn't see that kitteh)
c) the douchebag who agreed to take this picture.

Thanks, Shelly, for the picture!

19 Things -- Yet another Meme.

Since I'm trying not to think about food, I'm going to talk about my other favorite subject –– me –– by stealing this meme from Suzanne.

1. Do you like blue cheese? Love, love, love it. I would roll in it and lick myself clean.

2. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Nah. Between orthodontist appointments, the fertility doctor and the general surgeons I've seen lately, I'm an open book.

3. Favorite Christmas Song? uhhh... Carol of the Bells, I guess.

4. Do you work with people who idolize you? Nah. The boys treat me like one of their own. We don't idolize anybody 'round these parts except our food stylist and that's only because he feeds our asses.

5. Do you have A.D.D.? I don't think so.

6. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. -
1) Hungry
2) Still groggy from the two Excedrin PMs I took last night.
3) Love my new WDW hoodie.

7. Name something you bought yesterday. Nothing!! Wow!! I went a whole day without spending a penny!

8. Current worry right now? BooBerry's reading assignments at school. Apparently, her teacher thinks all her students are MENSA material and are assigning these kindergarteners accordingly. WTF?

9. Current hate right now? Politics. Ugh! Enough already. Just freaking vote Obama and it'll be aiight.

10. Favorite place to be? Away -- on the front porch of our cabins on Lake Vermilion in Northern Minnesota. Miss it so much!! Home –– on the front porch with a book and a glass of wine.

11. Where would you like to go? Scotland. I want to stay in a castle before I die. I think it's all based on that movie "High Spirits" back in the 80s.

12. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I don't think I ever have. Since I end up taking all the covers at night anyway, Bill would probably land on the floor.

13. Favorite girl's name? Piper, Skye, Lucy and Annie. I so got shot down on the first two.

14. Favorite boy's name? Tucker, Justin and Jack.

15. Last thing that made you laugh? BooBerry singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in what she calls her "American Idol" voice. Watch out, Simon!

16. Worst injury you've ever had? Can't say, but it involved trying to jump over wooden chair back that folded. Missed school for a week and a half.

17. Does someone have a crush on you? Naw, unless you count the two-year-old next door. We're buds.

18. What is your favorite book? "Beauty" by Robin McKinley, hands down. It's a GORGEOUS retelling of "Beauty and the Beast." I must have four copies and read it more than 20 times.

19. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Fast asleep. Thank you, Excedrin PM and a hot whirlpool bath.

Me too!!

Old-School Pick-up Line...

This pumpkin...

Proves some people have too much time on their hands. Or, as my brother pointed out, some people have more talent in the foreskin he had removed at birth than the rest of us have combined.

You decide...

So.

I'm dieting. Again. Prepare for bitchy blogs about my hunger. If I don't start now, I'll be walking naked in the snow at least 5 days a week since I have two pairs of jeans and 38 pairs of knit capris that fit.

Also, I'm planning a beach trip to Tampa in July and this? Is not pretty.

LOL

more animals

Sneaky Local Restaurant Gets Pwned.

How Pissed Off Am I??

My laptop caught the computer version of chlamydia. It got a Trojan virus sometime over the weekend. My computer? Ummm, yeah... like anybody want to hack into my Webkinz account or grab pictures of Porkfat, Callie or Doodlebug. Hackers are so f*ucking stupid sometimes.

I'm baaaaack!!

... and also dirt poor. The mouse took all my money -- ALLLL of it. And also the Orlando Premium Outlet Mall (no, I have no idea how that new Coach purse jumped into my bag, Bill. Really, I don't!!)

I promise a full report with pictures tonight ... or maybe tomorrow, depending on when I claw my way out of the pile of laundry sitting on the kitchen floor. It was hot, the crowds at Walt Disney World were crazy but we ate a lot, drank a lot (EPCOT Food & Wine Festival!!) and had a fab-u-lous time. (Just don't tell BooBerry ... she thinks we went to a "conference"...)

Today's funny.

How do you know when a pumpkin has had one too many?

FOUR

I've been spending too much time on Facebook. Here. Get to know me even better with this lame-ass meme. Feel free to rip it off.

FOUR MOVIES I'VE WATCHED MORE THAN ONCE
1. The Shawshank Redemption
2. The Goonies
3. Spaceballs
4. Heartbreakers

FOUR PLACES I HAVE LIVED
1. Dorm room
2. Sorority house
3. The Little Yellow Farmhouse
4. Our cul-de-sac house

FOUR PLACES I HAVE BEEN
1. Paris
2. Barbados
3. St. Thomas
4. Hawaii

FOUR PEOPLE WHO EMAIL ME REGULARLY
1. Jeremy
2. That Nigerian lawyer who desperately needs me to contact him about a dead relative so he can give me my inheritance
3. The UK lawyer who says he needs my contact information because I won a lottery
4. People who think I need mail enhancement drugs (ooookay...)

FOUR OF MY FAVORITE FOODS
1. Jelly Bely Jelly Beans
2. Taco Soup
3. El Nopal chips & salsa
4. Cadbury Crunchy candy bar

FOUR PLACES I WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW
1. Walt Disney World
2. Front porch with a book
3. Lake Vermilion in MN
4. Shopping in SoHo!

THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS YEAR
1. Christmas
2. Next week -- Walt Disney World, here we come!!
3. Getting pregnant (?????)
4. Thanksgiving sales

FOUR TV SHOWS I WATCH
1. Survivor
2. Pushing Daisies
3. The Office
4. Big Brother

October 30, 2008...

The braces come off, and somewhere, angels will sing.

Also, my angels look like this:

O-o-o-okaaay...

Hey, National! You might want to note that this tool does not make me want to rent a car from you.

Hey, Bill!!

In these slumping economic times ...

Here's a retirement plan investment tip...

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.




* Thanks, Scott, for the e-mail.

In My In Box This Morning.

From: PR Newswire for Journalists
Date: Thu, 2 Oct 2008 07:31:34 +0000 (GMT)
To: xxxxxxx@xxxxx.xom
Subject: "Testicle Pizza", "Battered Testicles" Among 31 Recipes in First "Testicle Cookbook"

"Testicle Pizza", "Battered Testicles" Among 31 Recipes in First "Testicle Cookbook"

LONDON, October 2/PRNewswire/ --

"The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking With Balls" (http://www.yudu.com/testicles) is published today as a multimedia e-Book on YUDU (http://www.yudu.com), which lets anyone publish, share, buy and sell their own digital documents. It comes complete with video demonstrations of the author cooking dishes including Testicle Pizza, Testicle Pie and Testicle Goulash.

Ljubomir Erovic, the book's author, is a testicle cook and gourmet from Serbia, where testicles are a traditional delicacy. He is also the founder, organiser and driving force behind The World Testicle Cooking Championship (http://www.ballcup.com), which has been held annually in Serbia since 2004.

"This book is a small step for testicle cuisine but a giant leap for cookbooks as a genre", says Richard Stephenson, CEO of YUDU. "Multi-media cookbooks open new possibilities - such as, in this case, being able to watch the author peel and slice testicles." (The book includes a how-to video on slicing frozen testicles.)

Erovic, 45, has been cooking testicles for over 20 years. Although self-taught, he is probably by now not just Serbia's but the world's leading authority on testicle cuisine.

The ingredients for his testicle pizza recipe include cheese, onion, pepper, bacon and bull's testicles. "It's Italian pizza with Serbian balls," explains Erovic. His recipe for omelet with calf testicles starts, "Removefine veins from the testicles and put them in boiling water for 2-3 minutes."

But the book also contains more cordon bleu recipes, such as "Calf Testicles In Wine" (white or red but not sweet) and testicles with bourgignon sauce.

His book contains recipes for testicles from over a dozen different animals: from bulls and pigs to rams, stallions and ostriches. Recipes range from "Pig's Testicles With Potatoes" to "Bull Testicles With Bechamel Sauce."

The tastiest testicles, says Erovic, come from bulls, ostriches or stallions. "Sheep testicles are also delicious", he says. "But I don't like boar testicles."

"All testicles can be eaten," says Erovic, "except human, of course."

Some of the recipes, such as the one for "Pig Testicles", come with both serving suggestions and learned footnotes, such as:
1. During and after the meal, home-made dry white wine is recommended with a good song and music.
2. Note: The pig castration season is May or June.

The book has recipes for not just battered testicles but also for breaded and fried ones, plus for testicle stew and testicle pie. There are two recipes for testicle goulash, including one called "Erovic-Style Goulash With Stallion or Bull Testicles." Only testicle quiche is missing.

Most of the recipes have been devised by Erovic himself but some have been contributed by others. Most are from Serbia but there are also a few from Macedonia.

Aphrodisiac
Testicles are rich in testosterone. Everyone from the Serbians to the Chinese to Erovic himself consider them to be a powerful aphrodisiac. The Chinese believe that eating them on a regular basis can boost a man's libido and cure impotence. "The best for aphrodisiac properties are sheep and stallion testicles," says Erovic.

The World Testicle Cooking Championship has become an international culinary event attended by chefs from countries including Serbia, the Republic of Srpska, Greece, Finland, Norway, Hungary and Australia. It has also entered the Guinness Book of Records as the event where a record amount –– one metric tonne –– of testicles are prepared.

Countries other than Serbia with a tradition of testicle cuisine include USA, Australia, India, Pakistan and South Africa.

"Testicles have been a delicacy in Serbia for as long as anyone can remember," says Erovic. "And the same is true across much of the world."

- The ancient Greeks thought that eating sheep's testicles before battle made a man stronger.
- The Romans believed that eating the testicle of a healthy animal would cure health problems with a man's own testicles.

Says Erovic: "Testicles have been enjoyed for so long by so many peoples in so many places that the only strange thing is that no-one before now has ever compiled a comprehensive testicle cookbook."

Notes to Editors:
- To View the Book: http://www.yudu.com/testicles
- Top Ten Terms for Testicles

Testicles are cooked, eaten and enjoyed across the world, where they are
known by a variety of names, including the following:
- Animelles (the culinary term for testicles, especially lamb testicles)
- Bulls' Jewels
- Cowboy Caviar
- Montana Tender Groin
- Organ Meat
- Rocky Mountain Oysters
- Rognons Blancs ("White Kidneys")
- Stones (a traditional/historical name)
- Swinging Beef
- Sweetbreads
- White Kidneys

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two thoughts:
1. I couldn't MAKE this shit up.
2. Do not Google "bull testicles" to find an accompanying picture.