Procrastination tips.

Y'know. In case you run out of ideas on your own.

1. Pluck your eyebrows.
2. Eat one of the four tomatoes that have been sitting on your desk all week.
3. Slather your heels in lotion.
4. Visit Hot Chicks with Douchebags.
5. Send a HORRIBLE story to Josh via IM and then spend 20 minutes discussing.
6. File your nails.
7. Talk to your co-worker who brought you in the tomatoes about how good they are. Yum-o.


8. Search for photos of Procrastination for a blog post.
9. Post a blog post.

Nature Gone Wild!

After three frickin' months, we finally have one scraggly, scrawny hummingbird. Also, I thought hummingbirds never stopped flying ... is this some bird in drag trying to freeload off our feeder?

You Know It's Not Going to Be a Good Day ...

"That's right! Watch me f*ck up your morning
and walk away with this gold statue in my hand!"

... when you wake up, take a shower and flip on your newly acquired HBO channel to find the intense rape scene in "Boys Don't Cry." Jesus -- who thought putting all that in a movie was a good idea? And playing it at 6:f*cking45 in the morning? I need to burn my eyeballs out.

Josh says I'm not ready for HBO. I think I should just stick to CBS.

Boo wants me to get a minivan.

Guess who I saw on Friday?

Hairy Back Biker again with his shirt off. Seriously, dude. There's a salon like 25 feet from you. Please park that bike and get a weave for that backhair because that? Is some scraggly shit.

My readership is down.

Stupid gas prices.

Scenes from a Boring Sunday.

The Littlest Pet Shop pets had a play, with the Webkinz as audience members. We're really bored around here. It's a zillion degrees outside and we're all a little punch drunk on boredom.


Isn't this the saddest picture? I let Doodles out, but didn't go out with her on account of the zillion-degree heat, and when I remembered to go get her, THIS is what I found.

September 7, 2008 - 9 p.m. - HBO

Where will I be? FINALLY watching the first ep of Alan Ball's TRUE BLOOD series based on Charlaine Harris' Southern Vampires books (8 in all to date).

Vampires are not normally my genre, but I LOVE this series -- it's funny, charming, romantic and exciting all at once and if Eric were a real man I'd want to drink his bath water.

Here's a viral marketing campaign for the show with short-order cook Lafayette:



Also, an interview with a fangbanger:



And here's one with SAM!! OMG I HEART SAM!!



Styx River Motel:



My thoughts? EXCELLENT. I can't wait for the show.

I just made Bill swallow it and buy me HBO tonight. And to think -- I've never seen a "Sex and the City" episode because Bill wouldn't let me have HBO...

When kids have to get shots at the doctor's office ...

... I think doctors should automatically give parents a 'script for Xanax.

Sexually harassed cat grows angel wings.

A Chinese woman claims her cat has grown wings.

Granny Feng's tom cat has sprouted two hairy 4ins long wings, reports the Huashang News.

"At first, they were just two bumps, but they started to grow quickly, and after a month there were two wings," she said.

Feng, of Xianyang city, Shaanxi province, says the wings, which contain bones, make her pet look like a 'cat angel'. Her explanation is that the cat sprouted the wings after being sexually harassed.

"A month ago, many female cats in heat came to harass him, and then the wings started to grow," she said.

However, experts say the phenomenon is more likely down to a gene mutation, and say it shouldn't prevent the cat living a normal life.


***********************

In my two month stint between college and my first professional job, I worked two months at a Sears call center. I was sexually harassed and got an ulcer, but I didn't grow f*cking wings...

Cleo got a new shirt.

My dog ...

Somebody should tell her she's a dog, not a cat. WTF?

This is what ...

$800 at Pier 1 buys you:




Hey, random Motorcycle Man in a 1993 Wilson's Leather U.S.A. bomber jacket* and work boots who zipped up my cul-de-sac only to realize you can't get out of my subdivision that way, look at my new front porch set!







* Bomber jacket? No.

Chuck E. Cheese's.

Where a kid can be a kid. Except I totally rocked the new "Deal or No Deal" game -- Boo's BFF's mom and I kept switching off and playing despite the stupid-assed sign telling kids to "share" (sharing is shit. Grade School Lesson #4). We figured CEC's numbering system of stamping kids' hands would protect us from child abductors as our kids ran like wild hyenas while we picked briefcases and dealt with The Banker.

Headache.

Anybody have any good headache remedies? I can't seem to shake this one... although a picture of a bulldog helps. Who doesn't love bulldogs?

Happy REAL birthday, BooBerry!!

Five years ago at this very minute I was in the hospital jacked up on some seriously bitchin' painkiller, having some minor contractions and watching TV while I waited for the as-yet-unknown baby to come.

10 hours and one surgery later, the doctor announced that we had a beautiful baby daughter.

Hah, Bill*!! Suck it! I totally won. Happy 5th birthday, BooBerry!!




* Poor Bill. Even the cats and the dog are girls. He's surrounded by estrogen.

You Know I ...

... never pass up an opportunity to talk about myself. Thanks for the MEME, Charmed!

Answer these in ONE WORD ONLY...

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Your significant other? Bill
3. Your hair? Short
4. Your mother? Friend
5. Your father? Harley-Davidson
6. Your favorite thing? wine
7. Your dream last night? none
8. Your favorite drink? Martini
9. Your dream/goal? Thin
10. The room you’re in? Office
11. Your friends? Awesome
12. Your fear? Spiders
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
14. Where were you last night? Home
15. What you’re not? Hypocritical
16. Muffins? Chocolate
17. One of your wish list items? Baby
18. Where you grew up? Louisville
19. The last thing you did? Eat
20. What are you wishing? Health
21. Your TV? HUGE
22. Your pets? Sweet
23. Your computer? SLOW
24. Your life? Sick
25. Your mood? Stressed
26. Missing someone? Lori
27. Your car? White
28. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes
29. Favorite store? Trader Joe's (technically two words. I buck the system.)
30. Your summer? Long
31. Loves? Books
32. Your favorite word? "nuh-uh"
33. Last time you laughed? Yesterday
34. Last time you cried? Dunno
35. Your kids? BIG
36. Favorite green veggie? Broccoli

Gross ... or Brilliant?

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia (AP) -- Ready for the latest in spa pampering? Prepare to dunk your tootsies in a tank of water and let tiny carp nibble away.

Fish pedicures are creating something of a splash in the D.C. area, where a northern Virginia spa has been offering them for the past four months. John Ho, who runs the Yvonne Hair and Nails salon with his wife, Yvonne Le, said 5,000 people have taken the plunge so far.

"This is a good treatment for everyone who likes to have nice feet," Ho said.

He said he wanted to come up with something unique while finding a replacement for pedicures that use razors to scrape off dead skin. The razors have fallen out of favor with state regulators because of concerns about whether they're sanitary.

Ho was skeptical at first about the fish, which are called garra rufa but typically known as doctor fish. They were first used in Turkey and have become popular in some Asian countries.

Read the rest of the story HERE and let me know what you think...

So then.

I was supposed to have surgery on mah lady parts on Tuesday, but during my pre-op meeting, my doctor said he wants me to have my gallbladder tested. I've have pain in my chest every time I eat -- really, off and on ... last week I subsisted on vanilla Ensure and Chicken Noodle O's. Yum. -- and my GP thinks I have a bum gallbladder (thanks, Mom & Dad).

So, bottom line is I have more tests to come and my endo surgery has been postponed because if I can have my gallbladder out and my lady parts Roto-Rootered at the same time with a whole team of doctors, that would be awesome.

Actually, not so awesome, because I? Am so not a "Grey's Anatomy" episode.

Aloha!!

Decorations = $200

Food and drink = $200

Hawaiian luau party for your daughter's fifth birthday? Priceless.

The cake Bella made.

The cake I did not make.
(Thank you, Homemade Pie & Ice Cream Kitchen!)

New bike!!

The big gift: a Pleo!

Here's Cleo checking out a can.

Here's Bill checking out Cleo.
He does NOT like to be on his back, BTW.

Old people can drink.

Last night, Bill & I attended a six-course wine dinner at Limestone with Bill's aunt. Apparently no one told us that this was essentially a private dinner for the American Institute of Food & Wine - Kentucky Chapter, but they seemed to embrace the only two people in the room who clearly do not need a daily dose of Viagra or Ensure. We were the youngest two in the room, and we sat with the most pretentious woman in Louisville (yes, lady, we've all heard about your thousand-bottle wine room in your bazillion-dollar home).

Here was the menu:

Reception
Parade of Churrascarias in the tradition of Argentina to include:
Chicken kebabs, swordfish kebabs, and alligator kebabs
Wine pairing:CJR Blanc de Blanc, Argentina

Dinner
Brazilian roast leg of suckling pig with passionfruit glaze (heh. I said suck.)
Wine: DeMartino Legado Carmenere, Chile

Hearts of palm and tomato salad
Wine: Crios Torrontes, Argentina

Argentine ceviche: Fresh scallops and shrimp marinated in lime and Spanish olives with tomato
Wine: Luca Chardonnay, Argentina (at this point, things started to get a little hazy and I encountered four old ladies gossiping about one of the men in the ladies room, but they wouldn't tell me who they were talking about)

Steak grilled Gaucho style chimichurri sauce and Argentine vegetables
Wine: Mendel Unus Malbec/Cabernet Sauvignon, Argentina

Quindim custard fruit syrup and creme fraiche
Wine: Errazuriz Late Harvest Sauvignon Blanc, Chile


The overall thought for the evening? Wow. Old people can really hold their booze.

WTG, me!

I hit 600 on Wacky Zingoz on Webkinz. I haven't worked this hard since I tried to kick Josh's ass at Wii bowling. WIN WIN on both.




Here's Cruiser with his trophy.

Don't f*ck with old people.

They will jack your shit up.

Ha ha for the day.

THE BROTHEL

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you
would prefer someone els," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive But there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Ontario."

"Really?" she said "I have family in Ontario"

"I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Hot outside?

This will cool you off...



Glad I don't live on THAT street.

Music is not my forte.

I totally misheard "groupies" as "boobies." It still fits the song.

My Twinn dolls.

Boo doesn't play with dolls much, but I think she should, so I keep buying them for her. MY TWINN is having a 50%-off sale, so I perused the site. Unfortunately, the custom dolls are not on sale (they're $139 -- yikes!) but this is the custom boy doll:

This little f*cker is scarier than Chucky:


Is it his John Travolta pose? The baseball pajamas styled after a 1973 leisure suit? The Zac Efron-esque piercing blue eyes designed to hypnotize? The slight smirk that needs to be slapped off his face? The pink fabric chest peaking out (at least he doesn't have chest hair ...). Whatever it is, I'm scared. Hold me...

Poor Miss USA.

If this bitch can't stay upright, there's no hope for the rest of us schmucks.

Noone appreciates my whining.

While whining about my surgery next week (partial tubal removal -- it's laproscopic, but I do like flowers, so feel free to send them to the house) and my stomach troubles (gall bladder? gas? acid reflux? If my friggin' doctor would give me the results of my ultrasound and tell me, you would know too), a co-worker sent me this:


I get no respect, I tell ya...

Monday morning time suck.

If you've already wasted enough office time surfing MySpace and Youtube this morning, here's a great site of full-on FAILS at the FAIL BLOG.

Examples:


see more pwn and owned pictures


see more pwn and owned pictures


see more pwn and owned pictures


see more pwn and owned pictures

New stuff I've bought.

Today, class, we're going to discuss two beauty products I've recently discovered.


Bumble & Bumble Thickening Spray: use my regular mousse and blow dry my hair until it's damp and then spray this on my roots (and flip my head upside down). It is by far the BEST hair product I've found ... it adds texture to my baby-fine, soft hair and adds height to my chin-length bob. (No BJ refs to the "chin-length bob" comment, boys.)
Benefit Some Kind A Gorgeous: Because sometimes you don't feel like caking on the foundation. I wouldn't wear it every day because it's a bit too light (and I got some haggard sh*t I need to cover up), but it's great to stick in the purse for when you're looking haggard outside the home.

Mandyland Beauty Tip #34.

Do your hair and make-up first so you realize you're having a totally fabulous hair and make-up day and won't toss on a big ol' company t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops and look like a schlump who's having a good hair and make-up day.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

I'm probably the only chick in America who gets laid and doesn't play World of Warcraft who's excited about this movie. I loved Ron Perlman in "Beauty and the Beast." (squeal and sigh)

An Open Letter to The King of Pop.

Dear Mr. Jackson:

WTF?

My brother had your doll. It had a glove and black shiny pants and your signature red jacket and he loved it. Also, his friend, Dennis*, had an exact leather replica of your red jacket.

I danced to "Beat It" in my sorority's annual video. No, you can't see it. In fact, I hope somebody's burned it. 1998 was not a good year for me.

What happened, MJ? Where did we go wrong**? What has reduced you to being wheeled around in a wheelchair wearing pepaw house shoes and sleep pants in Las Vegas? Although to be honest, I have to give you props for not having bunnies or clouds or shit on your sleep bottoms.

Come on, Mr. Jackson. Get it together. I would totally pay to see your shit in Las Vegas. In fact, hire me to be your PR assistant*** and together, we'll set the world right. It doesn't matter if you're Black or White. And yes, you can call me Ms. Nasty, if you want.


Yours,

Mandyland






* Dennis, however, was a little punk I wanted to beat down 6 days out of 7. I baby sat him and his four siblings once, and his five-year-old sister grabbed a kitchen knife and crawled behind a dresser. I had to call my mom home from work and all I got was twentyfuckingdollars from their white-trash mom. True story, that one.

** Oooookay. If you guys say so.

*** Free clothing and swag from the paparazzi? Well, if you insist.

BIG BROTHER 10 starts in 4 days.

I'm already rooting for

Jerry!!!

According to his profile on CBS:

Age: 75
Hometown: Magnolia, TX via Wilkes Barre, PA
Occupation: Great Grandfather/Retired Marketing Executive
Marital Status: Married

Jerry is a diehard Big Brother fan and hasn't missed one episode in all nine seasons. He even watches Showtime After Dark and the 24/7 feed.

Jerry left high school in the 10th grade then, at age 38, returned to college. He went to Central State, Rochester Institute of Technology and Penn State and earned a Bachelor's Degree in Marketing Management ten years later. Before then, he spent four years in the United States Marine Corps and was honorably discharged in 1954. He has been a devoted husband to the same woman for 54 years, and stays physically fit so he can take care of her as she has recently been diagnosed with Parkinson's. Jerry has two children, five grandchildren and four great grandchildren. He feels he has an excellent marriage and attributes a good marriage to allowing your partner their own space.

Jerry worked for 38 years in a sales/marketing environment and retired as a general manager at a multi-million dollar sales and marketing organization. He describes himself as being very competitive and says that being number one has been a driving force in his life. He likes to play golf and shoot pool and watches basketball, baseball, tennis and golf. He volunteers at an abandoned animal rescue, serves as a property manager, enjoys playing cards and working out at the gym. His favorite movie is "The Ten Commandments" and he listens to big band music, rock and roll and Elvis Presley. The perfect day for him is one where he is in touch with his family.

The political office he'd most like to hold is that of President of the United States which he thinks of as the most challenging. His heroes are those who serve in the military and he believes they deserve credit for the fact that we live in a free society. He describes himself as liking to touch, being fair and considerate.

His birth date is March 13, 1933.


Looks like the producers are putting a conservative vs. liberals spin on it. Shit! Don't we get enough of that in the television news, magazines and newspapers? I want my Big Brother sexy and stupid. I swear if it goes all political I will totally watch "I Survived a Japanese Game Show" and old episodes of Cheaters on the DVR instead.

Because I'm into procrastination today...

What Mandy Means

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

The bolded parts are especially scary. I wonder how many names have the exact same profile as mine? It makes me sound like a paranoid Ghandi. Thanks, Suzanne, for the find.

HA!

Weekend Getaway: A study in pictures.

Bill and I packed Boo up in the car and headed north to Cincinnati for a surprise overnight trip. I'd booked a two-bedroom suite at the Embassy Suites and aside from the shocking lack of water pressure, we had a lovely time.

First, we checked in, and our room wasn't ready, so while Bill checked in the luggage with the bellhop Boo decided to treat the folks in the lobby to a full-on modeling session:

We then headed to the Newport Aquarium, which doesn't suck and was actually very very clean despite the vast amount of white trash and/or rednecks securing the premises (I'm not being mean. It's just that I've never seen so many Dale Earnhardt memorial t-shirts and General Lee hats all in one place.)




We headed to Dewey's Pizza on the second level of the AMC section of the Newport Levee for lunch, where we nommed so great 'za (in my opinion. Bill deemed it OK, but we all know who has the License to Pizza and it ain't him.), The winner was the buffalo chicken pizza:


And Boo stuffed herself:


... and then got ahold of the camera for some awesome shots of Mom and Dad:



We had some time to kill before our room was ready, so Bill took me to The Party Source, where his friend, Randy, worked for, like, an eon.


I walked in and heard angels singing. Boo took the opportunity to show off her G Money Pimp Style:


We then headed back to the hotel and our room was FINALLY ready. I have to say that a TWO-BEDROOM suite is totally the way to go with kids -- Bill figured out how to plug in the mini DVD player into the huge flat-screen TV in Boo's room and we really didn't see her for the rest of the night.

Our room:
Boo's room:
The view:
Boo being Silly:
We then headed BACK to the levee after a nap for dinner (more on the lack of choices for kids at the levee). The highlight of the evening was NOT dinner; rather, it was the HUGE biker rally. Here are some memorable shots (you may want to burn your eyes out with acid afterward):
Nice BACKLESS leather shirt.

"Dude, Where's my shirt?"

These guys were NOT a part of the motorcycle rally.

Bill took this one. Apparently he thought it was funny.

Afterward, we went back to the hotel, where Boo snuggled in to her bed (look carefully and you'll see her five stuffed animals tucked into the other bed):

And here's a random picture of a bunch of geese:


Today, we woke up and went to Trader Joe's (nom nom nom) and headed home. All in al, a great weekend getaway!