This ain't right.

SON: "Well, I upgraded Mom's headstone because we saved a pretty penny buying her casket at COSTCO."

DAUGHTER: "Oh, you got expedited shipping, right? Because she's dead and starting to stink up the joint."

SON: "Yeah, it'll be here by 5 p.m. tomorrow. I also ordered the flowers from COSTCO, too. Oh, and I picked up a lobster pillow, that toner cartridge Dad needed and some diapers for the baby while I was ordering."

DAUGHTER: "Sweet!"

Got a new car!

This ride is tight, yo*. Me 'n my homegirl Barbie take this shit to the Japanime convention and get ALL the boyz, yo.


* God, I'm such a cracker.

Pearl the Cat Enjoys Yoga - The Pearl and I Episode II

Pearl the Cat Enjoys Yoga - The Pearl and I Episode II

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Wedding Weekend!

I'm headed to Dale Hollow Lake this weekend as my good friend Shelly gets married to the love of her life. I'm reading in the wedding, but I've decided that in the middle of the ceremony, I'm going to walk to the alter and say:

"Yo Shelly, I’m really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but I had one of the best weddings of all time. One of the best weddings of all time!"

I'm gonna do it.*


* OK, in my head. I'm not THAT bad.

The Pearl and I - Episode I

My buddy Josh's new Web show has dropped! If you have 9 minutes and 10 seconds to laugh, check it out.

The Pearl and I - Episode I

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At this point ...

I should mention I'm on day 2 of Weight Watchers. Again. So feel free to put any of the following in the comments:

• You're awesome. Jessica Biel is going to look like a fatty compared to you.
• Go girl! (said in your best Richard Simmons voice)
• You're hot already. Now go have an ice cream.
• LET'S GOOOOOOO!!!
• Summer 2002 was a great year! Remember that white Ralph Lauren miniskirt*? Yeah, I don't know what you were thinking, either, but you looked fabulous! (Last word said like this.)
• I wish ephedra was still on the market, too! Who cares if a bunch of baseball players died? Who plays basement in 100-degree heat, anyway!**


* I was hawt for about 12 minutes in 2002.
** Kidding. Sort of.

Found this when looking for a photo for the below post.

Yeahhhh. I got nothin'.

I got a new blogging gig!

(Not me. I wouldn't be caught
dead in a print turtleneck.)

I won't be neglecting Mandyland (still your usual dose of snark with half the fat!), but I got a paid blogging gig at Kudzu! Poignant stuff will be there, but you can still find fun stuff here, too!

I stared down death. Death won.

So Tuesday, I was heading down Taylorsville Road headed into work. I was minding my own business, talking to my Mom on my iPhone when suddenly an ambulance to my right changed lanes in front of me.

With an old guy propped up on the back. And an EMT administering drugs to an IV.

The old man had glasses on. They magnified his bug eyes. He stared at me THE WHOLE TIME I waited at a stop light. (Damn stop light was, like four hours long).

When the light turned green, I attempted to move into the right-hand lane, you know, so I didn't have to stare DEATH IN THE FRICKIN' FACE for another 10 minutes. I put my turn signal on, and no one would left me over. A**holes.

Thou shalt not change lanes.

I finally had to let my mother go on the phone. I couldn't concentrate with that Andy Rooney look-a-like watching my every move. Thank God for sunglasses.

I finally had to turn. Sh*t was freaking me out. I was all like, "Here, death. Here's my soul. Now let me change lanes."