Hey, Here's a Swell Diet Tip.

They're jar-packed for freshness, too. Win win.

Thanks, Brenda, for the grossness of tape worms...

Sled Disaster.

Everybody is fine. The kids ended up in about two feet of rushing water and Boo has an ice burn on her cheek. I got left at the top of the hill with a neighbor's two-year-old while three other adults ran down there. The whole thing took about 30 seconds but it was a lifetime to me.

How To Get the Ladies ...

ZOMG WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

We have a storm coming through with getting 3-5 inches of snow expected and you would think it's all Hiroshima up in the bitch. People are hunkering down with 45 gallons of milk and 28 loaves of bread. I think the local meteorolgists are whacking it to the Dopplar Radar... They are having WAY too much fun with this...

Google Street View is AWESOME.

But these guys aren't...

Back from San Jose.

It was nice for about 6 hours and then the shit storm that is rain moved in. The one thing I learned about San Jose is that it is in the Silicon Valley, which entirely populated by assholes. You know, the convention-type assholes who think they are more important than you are. Yeah, THOSE assholes. You can't toss a pebble in downtown San Jose without hitting an asshole.


The highlight of the trip was the evening Josh and I discovered the Mac in the lobby of our hotel and took stupid Photobooth pictures of ourselves:



Of course, we erased ours, but I can't say the same for the poor asshole who left his picture on the computer before us... it is now the computer's wallpaper. Lesson learned, asshole. Lesson learned.

TONIGHT TONIGHT TOOOONIIIIIGHHHHTT!!

Fourth row, center BAY-BE! I'm going to (try to) refrain myself from standing up and yelling "SUCK IT, LOSERS!!!" to any and all people sitting behind us.

I am stuck in a hotel in San Jose ...

... and we have a new president.


I will admit that I spent the inauguration speech in Chicago's Midway Airport ... and Josh and I were eating lunch at the Harry Caraylameassedrestaurant ... but we got to watch President Barack Obama's oath and speech.


And people clapped in the restaurant.


And I got way teary eyed...


OK, serious post done. Josh and I just got back from dinner and a wine/ dessert bar and he is suuuuuuuuch a lightweight*.








* Don't tell him I said that.

A very good day.

Bill and BooBerry gone.

A ham and cheese Hot Pocket.

Two eps of "Desperate Housewives" on the DVR.

A bottle of Hard Candy Frigid to paint mah toes and fingers with.

Not working? PRICELESS.

HA HA!

I'm headed to San Jose. San Jose as in CALIFORNIA, bitches.



And if one more person sings that"Do You Know the Way to San Jose" song ... well, I'm going to have to bring them into at least the 1990s. Because that song? Is not even old skool.

My animals are ungrateful.

We have more than 2,000 sq. feet in this house and they find the two feet of sunlight and pile it on. Ungrafeul asses.

Oh, Tooth Fairy?

What's the going rate these days? I may need change for a $100...

You know how...

... shit sometimes rolls downhill? Well, the shit, it is aflowin'. They say bad news travels in threes. Well, my three is here and hopefully it'll pass soon like a bad fish taco.

1. A very, very good friend filed for divorce today. It needed to happen, but it still hurts and I'm not sure how to help.

2. A co-worker of Bill's was arrested for a Very Bad Thing. Imagine the worst thing a man can be arrested for short of murder, and you've probably got the picture. Kinda throws your world upside down to know it can happen so close to home.

3. Our food stylist here at the magazine got fired from his day job (not us). The economy sucks and it has finally hit closer to home.

So the new year is off to TEH SUCK, but it can only go uphill from here, right?

With that said, here are THREE good things:

1. I bought a $600 wedding dress for $33 shipped from Ann Taylor. Yes, I'm already married, and no, I didn't need it. But I have a special someone who is getting married this year and it is her size, so if it works out it'll be THE BEST BARGAIN E-V-E-R. If not, off to the consignment shop. (I'd post a picture, but her fiancé reads the shit I call my blog, so I won't.)

2. I am leaving with Josh for San Jose next week and leaving the ass-freezing temps we're experiencing here.

3. BARACK OBAMA will soon be our new president. 'nuff said.

Think YOU'RE underappreciated?

Jury Duty Scam

This has been verified by the FBI and Snopes. It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call. Most of us take those summonses for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of fraud has surfaced.

The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo; your identity was just stolen.

The fraud has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma, Illinois, and Colorado. This (swindle) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they are with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.

Check it out here: FBI

And here: Snopes

Please make sure and pass this on! Especially tell the elderly in your family, they are so easily confused, and they are the ones that are the easiest to pray on!! Thanks

MeMe because I am still recuperating...

The Bucket List

Place an (x) by all the things you've done and remove the (x) from the ones you have not. Then send it to your friends (including me). This is for your entire life!

(x) Been to Europe
( ) Been on a cruise
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
( ) Watched someone die
(x) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Florida
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Climbed a lighthouse
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) Seen the Cherry Blossoms in Washington, D.C.
(x) Played cops and robber
( ) Flown a plane
( ) Owned a boat
( ) Watched grandchildren grow
(x)recently colored with crayons
( ) Been to the Kentucky Derby
( ) Been to Key West
( ) Been to a rodeo
(x) Sang Karaoke
( ) Paid for a meal with coins only?
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
( ) Watched the sunrise with someone
( ) Seen the green flash at sunset
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating
(x) Gone to the movies
(x) Owned a convertible

1. Any nickname? Mandy Lou

2. Mother's name? Pat

3. Body Piercing? Ears -- I'm such a freakin' wuss

4. How much do you love your job? LOVE LOVE LOVE it with little hearts around it

5. Birthplace? Louisville, KY

6. Ever been to Hawaii ? yes! My aunt lives there

7. Ever been to Africa ? No

8. Ever eaten just cookies for dinner? Yes

9. Ever been on TV? YES!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA take your Zicam, bitches!

10. Ever steal any traffic sign? No

11. Ever been in a car accident? Yes. Stupid hobag at the mall...

12. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4-door. It's a mom car

13. Favorite number? 88

14. Favorite movie? "The Goonies"

15. Favorite holiday? Christmas

16. Favorite dessert? Red velvet cake

17. Favorite food? Jelly Belly Jelly Beans

18. Favorite day of the week? Friday night

19. Favorite brand of body wash? Bath & Body Works Oil to Cream Wash (discontinued...boo hiss)

20. Favorite smell? nada. Can't smell a thing

21. How do you relax? Read & drink wine

22. How do you see yourself in 10 years? dunno. I'll be in my 40s. Holy shit...

23. Furthest place you will send this message? Well, it depends on who clicks on this post...

24. Who will respond to this the fastest? Suzanne

I'm back!

Girls' weekend in Walt Disney World was a BLAST ... this picture says it all ... anytime there's a straw in a pineapple you know you're in for the win.

Why does...

Brendan Fraser look exactly the same in all his movies?





I just saw the preview for Inkheart and totally thought it was yet another Mummy sequel –– or another "Journey to the Center of the Earth..."

Uhhh...

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.

Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper


---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.

I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who [expletive deleted] left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one [expletive deleted] bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman
---------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,- 1 stack of 4 hotel- size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid
further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Thanks!

Sometimes, Love Hurts.

(Click if you're blind and can't read the small print.)

Just a few days left, Dubya.

Busy Week Ahead ...

I'm headed to Walt Disney World (yes, again. Shut up.), only this time sans Boo and Bill -- this is a girls' only trip!

We've rented a cabin at Ft. Wilderness:



which we've dubbed The Party Shack. It's going to be three days of unadulterated F-U-N without the menfolk!!

This is Magnus Schenving...

Magnus Scheving by *Shinjuchan on deviantART

... also known as Sporticus on Noggin's "Lazytown".

I like it when BooBerry watches Lazytown.