Really, Fox News?

Worssssssst headline ever. You call this "journalism?" Neither do I.

Damn, I love Facebook.

QUIZ: They should call this the ass burger ...

A) because that is what your breath smells like after consuming.
B) because that is where it is going to end up after consuming.
C) both of the above

Praise the INTERNETS!

... because I love having a three-year-old tell me not to drink or copulate.

True story.

My Karen Walker Weekend

This weekend is going to completely suck balls. For some strange reason, I volunteered to be the cookie chair for my kiddo's Girl Scout troop. I am picking up 162 CASES of Girl Scout cookies tomorrow ("No, parents, I am not sure how the entire 38 cases of Samoas went missing. And yes, I have gained a bit of weight in two days. The two are not related.") and sorting them in our garage.

Then, we have to attend a surprise birthday party for our next door neighbor.

Tomorrow night, I have finish sorting through 833 old toys and outfits and iron, hang and tag them for the Little Treasures Consignment Sale.

Sunday morning, I have to pick up the kiddo from my parents and be back at the house before four first-graders are dropped off for the troop's very first cookie booth at the local Walmart grocery. (Bitches better let us set up inside the foyer. It's supposed to rain and I will go all "Gorilla Mom" on their asses if they won't.) After dropping off two of the three scouts all over town, I have to return home, gather up all the consigment sale stuff and take it to the dropoff point across town.

Yes, that will be me eating Xanax and washing it down with vodka all Karen Walker-style.



(P.S. Sorry I haven't been around much. It's been really boring and I haven't had any rage issues to bitch about.)

Still fangirl-ing.

Yes.

Can I be a tween fangirl for a minute?

Absolutely LOOOOVED the SyFy channel's "Alice" two partner. Wentworth Miller might have a chance for survival since I am now officially stalking Andrew Lee Potts. (Sorry, Wentworth. It was bound to happen. Get another series and we'll talk, kthxbai.)

Really, Facebook?

Is this necessary? Facebook Ads, you suck.

Confucius say:

If you not find the book you seek,
You are probably at the…



(Thanks, Bridge!)

Magical Powers Do Not Make You a FREAK.

We're watching a completely horrible movie on the Disney Channel called "The Thirteenth Year." It's about a merman/boy (really, I guess since he's turned 13, he's hit puberty. I wonder, does he whack it a picture of a girl, or an angelfish?) who grows gills and fins and has to hid it from the public.

Bill & BooBerry are in a deep discussion about the fact that if Boo ever gets super powers, she's is to tell us RIGHT AWAY so we can A) become rich & famous or B) rule the world.

Meanwhile, Boo looks over at me and whispers, "Isn't that a dumb idea?"

Then they both look at me expectantly. WTF kind of family argument is THAT? Whose side am I supposed to be on? Seriously. My family needs to get some priorities.

ETA: Now Bill just flew downstairs and said, "I'd be showin' up at SPEEDO yellin, 'I am HERE, BAY-BEE! Forget Michael Phelps! I GOT FINSSSSSSSSSS! The only suit a real swimmer needs!" (He really needs to get a grip and realize these movies are made for 10-year-old kids. They don't have to make sense, honey.)

Thanks, Nyquil.

So, I'm sick with a cold, and in my Nyquil-induced sleep last night I dreamed that I was getting married to Lt. Dangle from Reno 911. And while I was in my wedding dress, I looked down and all of the stones had fallen out of my engagement ring. Because they were glass.

Do what you will with that little nugget of info. I won't be taking Nyquil tonight. That is one pretty f*cked up dream.

I found my Halloween costume.

Who wants to be a sexy nurse or an overplayed vampire when you can be:



Frank will fuck your shit up, yo.

Niagara Falls!

Yes, I know Pam and Jim got married on the Maid of the Mist, which totally steals the thunder from this post, but BooBerry, Bill and I spent four fantastic days at the Marriott Niagara Falls Hotel & Spa. Boo's room overlooked the falls, and we ate some great food.

Oh, and Bill and I celebrated our anniversary, October 6, there too. Happy Anniversary, hon. Guess I haven't scared you off yet!

Congratulations are in order!

Heartfelt congrats to Charmed and Dunnski Love on their wedding tonight! Let's party!

This ain't right.

SON: "Well, I upgraded Mom's headstone because we saved a pretty penny buying her casket at COSTCO."

DAUGHTER: "Oh, you got expedited shipping, right? Because she's dead and starting to stink up the joint."

SON: "Yeah, it'll be here by 5 p.m. tomorrow. I also ordered the flowers from COSTCO, too. Oh, and I picked up a lobster pillow, that toner cartridge Dad needed and some diapers for the baby while I was ordering."

DAUGHTER: "Sweet!"

Got a new car!

This ride is tight, yo*. Me 'n my homegirl Barbie take this shit to the Japanime convention and get ALL the boyz, yo.


* God, I'm such a cracker.

Pearl the Cat Enjoys Yoga - The Pearl and I Episode II

Pearl the Cat Enjoys Yoga - The Pearl and I Episode II

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Wedding Weekend!

I'm headed to Dale Hollow Lake this weekend as my good friend Shelly gets married to the love of her life. I'm reading in the wedding, but I've decided that in the middle of the ceremony, I'm going to walk to the alter and say:

"Yo Shelly, I’m really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but I had one of the best weddings of all time. One of the best weddings of all time!"

I'm gonna do it.*


* OK, in my head. I'm not THAT bad.

The Pearl and I - Episode I

My buddy Josh's new Web show has dropped! If you have 9 minutes and 10 seconds to laugh, check it out.

The Pearl and I - Episode I

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